At the end of the first night of The Loveology Event, after my pastor John Mark had just spent four hours unpacking biblical definitions of masculinity and femininity, I gathered my stuff to start the long walk back to my house. As I packed my things to leave I overheard the guy sitting in the row behind me turn to the girl he came with and say,
“I bet we’ll get to the good stuff tomorrow night…”
His comment made me chuckle a little bit to myself, but it didn’t totally surprised me. Discussions of masculinity and femininity aren’t the really “juicy” topics of conversation when it comes to relationships and dating. And while they usually do include answers to the questions that we’ve been asking, they’re also generally, in my experience, the kinds of answers that are either really convicting or really confusing.
But what we can’t miss is that we can’t have a discussion about relationships, dating, romance, sex, marriage or love without first having conversations about masculinity and femininity.
Why are the questions of masculinity and femininity so important to discuss? Here’s what I think.
- We’re all really confused about what it means to be masculine or feminine. We get the most mixed messages about what this looks like (I hesitate to say “from culture” but I can’t think of a better word…). You may be thinking to yourself, “I’m not confused,” but the very fact that you don’t recognize your confusion reveals just how confused you are. I’ll talk more about this later.
- Being male and female – equal but different – is part of God’s design. It is the first thing that God talks about after the creation of human life in Genesis, and the entire foundation for the most important human covenant relationship presented in the New Testament.
- Ignoring God’s design is the fastest way for us to become dissatisfied. If you ask me, confusion about masculinity and femininity accounts for many of the most disturbing issues we face in dating, marriage, love and sex – issues like abuse, rape and infidelity.
Still, even though the concepts of masculinity and femininity are important, and even though John Mark did a great job of distinguishing what these concepts look like in real life (stay tuned, I’ll tell you about it) I can’t help but identify with the guy sitting behind me, at least a little. These topics are not the coziest topics for us to discuss.
I want to share the points from John Mark’s message, as well as some of the thoughts that are still bouncing around in my head since I heard him speak. But before I do, I have say one thing: This exploration – what I write here – is not meant to be an exhaustive, or an unbiased, one. My perspective is mine, which means a couple of things.
First, it means my perspective is distinctly feminine.
I’ll be honest about this, and I’ll admit that it is only half of the picture, but I will also unapologetically assert its importance. In fact, I really believe we need more female voices in on this conversation – especially in the Christian community.
Speaking of Christian community, I am a committed Christian.
Most of you know that. I’m not sneaky about it. But I’m also usually pretty careful to present topics in a way that supports participation from all backgrounds and worldviews. In this case, my Christian worldview might appear more overt that usual. I hope that doesn’t discourage you. Even if you come from a different perspective or worldview that I do I hope you’re willing to add your voice to the dialogue.
And finally, my attitude is impacted by my experience…
I went on my first date when I was sixteen years old, which means that I’ve been in the “dating” world for nearly twelve years. I’ve had a lot of experiences in that time, some of which may be similar to yours, some of which may be really different. I’ll share bits and pieces of my story with you along the way (as I always do) but I won’t bore you with the gory details. My story is not the only story. My perspective is only one perspective. I need you to jump in where you can.
The point is: I need you to join the conversation. I can’t do it without you. It wouldn’t be very effective,or very fun.
What I hope is that the sharing of my experiences, biases, perspectives, challenges etc. will prompt you to think about your biases, perspectives, experiences, challenges too. I hope that my honesty will inspire a little bit of honesty from you.
And ultimately I hope that, at the end of the day, we are all able recognize that while God’s way is not always the easiest way, it is always the most satisfying, rewarding and fruitful.
So let’s get started.
What do you think it means to be masculine or feminine?
What does “culture” tell you?
What does the Bible say?
Where are the contradictions between Bible and “culture”?
Where do you feel yourself resist?
Oh, and does anyone have a less tired word for me to use than “culture”?
It’s interesting that this should be the topic as I myself have recently been examining women’s issues in the Church, in scripture, and in Christianity as a whole myself. I just posted an excerpt from a study on Genesis that presents the roles of masculinity and femininity in a largely foreign light – foreign, at least, to many western, Euro-American constructs: http://bit.ly/immioL. It’s an interesting study that poses interesting questions about what we interpret as “biblical gender roles” based on how we read the creation story.
Honestly, I feel a little frustrated with these types of discussions, largely because I find that Christians in America have not taken the time to learn about – here’s the dirty word – our own culture. We do not seem to distinguish between our faith, our faith tradition, our cultural tradition, and our own personal preferences. We do not understand that gender roles, for example, are very different from, say, gender identity, sexuality, and sex – let alone concepts of masculinity and femininity! We take a misrepresented passage in Ephesians and decide that there are “gender roles” divinely inspired from the dawn of time. I don’t actually see a whole heck of a lot about gender roles in scripture, and I’ve NEVER read anything in scripture that talks about the essential nature of masculinity or femininity, only that the ha-adam, or human creation, is made in God’s image. There isn’t even any clarification in scripture anywhere as to what THAT means, let alone what it means to be male or female,
I’ll close with this note: Even the concrete physical differences we associate with being masculine and feminine are not as hard and fast as we would like to believe. The fact is that there are those who are born without genitalia, with undistinguished genitalia, and with both sets of genitalia. There are conjoined twins who experience their siblings gender and sexuality as well as their own. Would you like to talk about what masculinity and femininity means in these kinds of contexts? These do not even begin to address the traditional differences we often see in the male and female brain that, frankly, occur on a continuum rather than dualistically. In other words, SOME men have high levels of testosterone. Some men’s testosterone levels are more comparable to WOMEN. Furthermore, it is the amount of testosterone that changes the brain structure of developing infants – which means that some men’s brains have a physiological structure more similar to women’s brains, and vice versa. What makes a person masculine or feminine in these cases, when they don’t have the physiology or the stereotypical traits?
Just some thoughts. Thanks for the opportunity to have a voice on this subject!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here, and for pointing us toward your thoughtful post. I just visited, and wanted to say – above all else – that the role of female leadership that you are describing and embodying is absolutely essential to the work of Christ in our world. We need more women who are willing to step into roles of leadership and influence.
I agree that we often misunderstand the teachings of scripture because we read it through the lens of our own culture (and we don’t take time to understand the culture in which it was written) but I also believe that, if we are thoughtful about it, and prayerful, scripture will open our eyes to truths that transcend culture (for those of us who have grown up steeped in the ambiguity of postmodernism, that in itself is a difficult “truth” to grasp…)
You said, “we do not distinguish between our faith, our faith tradition, our cultural tradition, and our own personal preferences…” and I think you’re right. I think we have to be careful that we don’t let our fear, confusion, hurt, or negative experience (or sin nature) dictate our understanding of God’s commands and promises.
And yes, this is difficult and frustrating. But I really believe that if we care about doing it God’s way, if we believe that His way is the best way (and I do) we have to be willing to admit two things. First, we have to admit that truth exists. And second, we have to admit that discovery of that truth might not be comfortable or convenient.
Again, thank you for sharing. This issue is a difficult one. I hope you’ll keep reading and adding your thoughts to the conversation!
These questions are have proven very difficult to answer! It’s possible that there are general definitions along with definitions that are more unique to each of us. Here are a few of my thoughts.
Masculine to me means: A confident presence that demands my attention. A man who lives in love. To me, this transcends attitude, affecting the man and his lifestyle entirely. A man is physically stronger than me, takes care of the body God gave him, and takes care of the Earth God let’s him live on. As you mentioned in a previous post, he knows, “I can do it,” but also knows, that he can do it (not better, but) easier.
Feminine to me means: I would have thought this would be easier to answer considering I am a woman, and I enjoy being so. However, I am terribly confused when it comes to masculinity and femininity! I suppose this comes from culture. A culture where the men don’t often demand taking care of the women in their lives. I’ve grown up knowing that I should do everything for myself because nobody will do it for me. Example: In my past three moves several men have offered to help, all have bailed last minute. Events of this nature make me more rough and thick heartened than the feminine ideal calls for. I am educated and speak my mind, though I have often felt that in Christian circles this is unfeminine. I am a natural encourager and nurturer, but have learned to concentrate this energy where it is deserved and reciprocated. That tends to be in relationships with confident females. I guess where this rant is leading is simply to say, that I find being feminine around men to be very difficult because I don’t trust that they will hold up the masculine end.
I know many very nice men. I know many very intelligent men. I don’t know very many men who have found purpose beyond religion. There are many men of God who are waiting for directions. Waiting for that perfect high paying job so they can marry a beautiful lady. All the while, they work at starbucks, have a killer record collection, and wonder why that lady won’t hit on them. I am attracted to men with purpose. Men who don’t want to earn money from a large corporation. Men who don’t want to build their own safety based on a company that makes profit by doing evil (example, FLOW, Tapped, Food Inc, etc..). I want a man that is educated in the world, and does not want to be of the world, therefore builds a life, a carreer, and lastly a family, on faith. Working for corperate America (to me) is not masculine, just safe, and cowardly. Once you start the rat race, it’s nearly impossible to bail. I’m saddened to see so many young, single men trying to get in.
Being green is popular, but not everyone understands what it means. Through my journey in holistic nutrition, I have learned more and more about loving and supporting my community. The connection to the Bible is easy and clear to me, but I’m afraid my biggest nay sayers have been Christian men. As a Christian woman, it would be wonderful to meet a man who is understanding of my passion, or even ahead of me in the game. That would be incredibly masculine. That would be a man I want to follow.
My views are different than many, but, maybe similar for many. I don’t know.. I hope any of this makes sense.
Natalie, as I’ve been writing I’ve found that it is actually more difficult to write about femininity than masculinity. I wonder why that is…?
Also, I like what you said: “I find being feminine around men to be very difficult because I don’t trust that they will hold up the masculine end…” This is my experience too and it fits nicely with what is coming over the next few days.
I would argue: Femininity inspires masculinity, masculinity inspires femininity, and there is all kinds of fear involved. But someone has to be the first to act…
Keep reading & thanks for sharing!
Zeitgeist is a less tired word, but in turn you might get tired having to define it to people. It lends itself to nice rhetorical flourishes though. ‘Is it the spirit of the times speaking, or the Spirit of God?’
I’ve had this conversation about masculinity and femininity many times through the years, and its certainly worth having. I’m not sure its the right starting point for discussions on dating though. What I don’t hear affirmed often enough, both in the secular and Christian world, is that the differences we have as men and women are not greater than the commonality we share as humans. Instead of ‘In the image of God he created them, male and female’ we get ‘Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus’ or some Christianized version. We go from the core of who we are being the same image of God to being told we are aliens from different planets. Without exploring how we are similar, exploring our differences is simply alienating. I grew up hearing so much about how girls and boys were different that I was well into my 20′s before I believed that I could relate to women in any meaningful way. I went through a lot of my life feeling like dating was this process of cautiously finding common ground with something fundamentally alien simply because no one ever told me different.
Ms. Sparrow has pointed out that we exist on continuums. This is so important to remember. Looking back, it was making that revelation back in college that helped me begin see women as humans, not aliens. It also helped me to realize that I sat in weird places on many of those continuums. Through the results of some psychological inventories, I know that statistically I will likely have to contend with dating women who are less in touch with their emotions than I am. Which might not sound like much, but if you are dating a girl who bases her identity as a women on being more emotionally sensitive than a man it actually creates a lot of tension. Me being emotionally sensitive can make her feel like less of a women simply because she falls short on a simple binary test. Likewise, women who earn a lot of money can threaten a man who bases his worth on providing financial support. At least for us misfits, the grace that allowing yourself to live on a continuum provides allows you to be more fully and authentically human, which I have to believe also brings us closer to the image of God.
Here are a couple of brief generalizations about differences between masculinity and femininity (these don’t apply in every case, but are common): Starting with children, boys are rough and tumble and girls generally are less so. An example is the game ‘king of the hill’ – boys are figuring out their relative pecking order at an early age and competing with one another to be the leader. Boys are wrestling with and testing themselves against their dad as they grow up and essentially they are asking the question, ‘do I have what it takes to be a man?’ Girls are essentially asking a different question, ‘am I beautiful?’ as they show what they’ve learned in dance class or show off a new dress.
In sports, there is a difference in how males relate to one another and how females relate to one another. The winning Chicago Bulls of the 1990’s are an example of how guys relate. Supposedly, there was no love lost between Michael Jordan, Scotty Pippin and Dennis Rodman but on the court, they respected one another’s abilities and leveraged each other to win championships. Contrast that with the UNC women’s soccer team. Under head coach Anson Dorrance, they’ve been one of the most successful programs in all college sports. Years ago when asked his formula for success, he is reported to have said that understanding how females relate to one another is key. While raw talent is important, so is how much the players like one another. He thinks that a team of the most talented female players who don’t get along with one another will be beaten by a team of less talented players who like and get along well with each other.
Lastly the whole ‘love and respect” thing talked about by the Eggerichs is important too. God says husband love your wives and wives respect you husbands. Since God isn’t telling women to love and men to respect, it must mean that’s what men and women are naturally wired to do. Women are nurturers and men deal with others based on how much they do or don’t respect a person. Both women and men can be leaders, protectors, providers, nurturers, etc. but they are wired to approach these things in different ways and that’s not a bad thing. There’s an element in our society/culture which doesn’t want to celebrate those differences but chip away at them instead.
This can be a difficult subject, because it tends to look very different when addressed from a Christian stand point as opposed to a stand point from a different set of ideals or beliefs. As a Christian man, I feel that true masculinity and femininity comes out of searching for our identities in God, first. When we as individuals can begin to identify who we are, by grasping onto who Christ tells us we are, the masculine/feminine qualities that have been built into us can rise past the cultural and societal norms, pressures, or trends that can attempt to prescribe our identities for us. It’s of course no easy task to consistently look to Him to tell us who we are. While staying rooted in the word and in constant communication with God are incredibly powerful in helping understand what kind of men and women we are, they are not always easy practices! It’s convicting to write about, because I realize how often I look to be validated by sources outside of God. However, that is the perspective from an overtly Christian stand point. I feel the subject gets quite a bit more complicated when addressed outside of that perspective, because often self actualization and other humanistic approaches are relied upon to give direction and meaning, which can shift as often as the wind. God’s way has grabbed a hold of my heart and mind, not because it is the easiest, but because it has remained constant, steady and true.
When I was 14 years old I studied Proverbs 31:10-31. I did not grow up with good role models in my life of what it meant to be a Godly wife/woman. I believe all scripture is spoken into each person both male and female. The depth of how we understand God’s word is how each individual’s life will be directed. This chapter spoke into my young girlie heart. I watched many “christians” behavior contradict what the Bible spoke to me, so rather than gain my identity in what others lived or spoke I went to God’s word and formed my own identity. My personality, the way God wired me, even in the midst of great family dysfunction was to “do”. I loved reading the profile of this kind of woman in Proverbs. She is my kind of gal, a doer. She worked, she sewed, she ran her business, she did not have to work-out at the gym because her life was about moving, and she gave to the poor. “Lord teach me how to be this kind of woman”. I was not a quick study, but it was a profile that I could work the rest of my life at.
I can not speak about masculinity, but I can say it is a confident and honorable man who can understand the heart of the woman he is with, embrace who she is, and in a quiet strong way lead her to be better. I am married to that man today.
I was so interested to read about “feminine and masculine” because if how i think the masses have been fooled by their parents and leaders- ei priests, teachers what have you- that I thought I might stumble upon an interesting piece.
Nope.
The idea that God’s design is about a feminine role and a masculine role is so outdated and “cave man” like that I urge you to read up on how differently we in society treat men and woman thus create all the roles we are trying to be. This is why we have woman who say things like I am more masculine or men who are more feminine and then a group of people who feel that they are in the wrong body. People, including you, have grown up in religious house holds and have no idea what is what because nothing you are saying is based in science or anything real.
I could go on but feel it would be lost anyways on a person who identifies with organized religion.