Everyone always loves to tell you to “Be Yourself.”
If you’re going on a date and you feel really nervous, people will tell you to just “be yourself,” and everything will work out great. Before a job interview, or while you’re writing a cover letter, people will give you all kinds of advice about how to address your soon-to-be-boss as ma’am or sir, how to show up early, but not too early, and how to wear something that doesn’t look like it came out of the dirty laundry.
But ultimately, they’ll say, just be yourself. That’s the most important part.
Lately I’ve just started wondering: What if when I”m just “myself” I happen to be really irritating or annoying? What if I’m generally pleasant and friendly, but in certain contexts or under certain conditions I do this one weird thing [fill-in-quirk-here] and it makes everyone really uncomfortable — should I go ahead and keep doing it?
After all, I am just being “myself,” right?
The idea started in the context of other people, if I’m honest.
It makes sense. I’m used to myself, after all. My quirks and idiosyncrasies are normal to me. I’ve grown up with them my whole life. But every once and awhile I would meet a person and think about how he/she was really loud, controlling, talked too much or too little, should be more assertive, or should learn to know when to keep his/her mouth shut and I would think about what I would say to this person if he/she were going on a date.
“Be yourself, except… don’t do that one thing where you interrupt people in the middle of their sentences.”
“Be yourself, except… don’t say mean things about her friends, or gossip behind your friend’s backs.”
Then I got married, and the mirror turned on myself. I am not a quiet person. I take myself too seriously sometimes. I enjoy arguing. I’m competitive. I like my hangers perfectly spaced apart in my closet.
Sometimes I can laugh at the ways I’m different than my husband.
After all, I’m just being “myself,” right? Other times when I zoom out of the situation, and look at it from a different angle, I feel like telling myself, “Be yourself, Ally, except for that one thing you do with the hangers. That’s annoying.”
“Be yourself, Ally, except for how you think you’re always right.”
At the end of the day, though, I don’t think that “Be Yourself, except…” is really about behavior modification. If it was, there would probably be a million lists (or, at least equal to the number of people I know) of behaviors I could modify. One thing I do annoys my sister, another thing irritates my husband, a third hurts the feelings of my best friend.
Instead, this is what I’ve come to. This is my mantra lately.
Be yourself, Ally, except… be humble.
Be aware of the impact your “self” has on others, and be willing to have compassion for them, even if your behavior won’t or can’t change. Be mindful that your identity is not a fixed, unalterable thing (thank God) but a Spirit that is constantly being challenged, shaped, refined and changed.
Be willing to listen.
Be willing to admit that you don’t have it all figured out, and that your needs, your sense of self, don’t trump anyone else.
Step back, take a deep breath, look across the table and say, “Be yourself, except…”
I love this. I find that when I’m being my true self, people laugh at me. It’s the way I laugh, the way I dance, the words I choose. I’ve come to accept it and even anticipate the laughter when I’m laughing so hard I inhale and it almost sounds like something from the snort family.
For me, I probably need to be myself but not be so hard on myself.
Katie
Katie, yes. That’s awesome. I’m learning (in my old age) that the quirky things about people — the ones that usually make others laugh — are also usually the most likable. We don’t want everyone to be exactly like us. We want them to see us, and care about us, but we don’t want them to be exactly like us.
Thanks for sharing.
This is such a great reminder- I’ve been living at home in England for the past 2 months with my family who put up with all my quirks. However as of tomorrow I will be living with 4 American girls who may not necessarily be quite as understanding, and we may have some hiccups with culture clash. Good to remember to be graceful and bite my tongue at times!
Louise — ah, yes, living with roommates (like getting married) can often be like a giant highlighter for our idiosyncrasies. Just be yourself, except… be humble, and I bet you’ll create deep long-lasting friendships with those girls. There’s nothing like the bond of roommates. I’ll be praying for your transition!
Thankyou
. It was actually a fab answer to prayer as my accommodation plans had fallen through 3 days before I was due to move to Paris…total nightmare!
Hey Ally, thanks for your thoughts! This really tracks with what has been going through my mind for the last few months or so. I’ve gone through phases in my life where being myself has been enough for people to like me. And then I’ve gone through phases where even with my best intentions, I seem to offend, hurt, and anger everyone around me. So I’m learning about humility, grace, and just loving people and looking past their ugliness because really, that’s what I want them to do for me.
Michelle — sometimes it’s hard to figure out who’s responsible for what. Like, am I just being myself, and you’re being insecure — that’s why you’re so angry with me? Or, do I need to take another look at my actions, and learn to be more sensitive? I wrestle with that balance too. The conclusion I’ve come to is actually from scripture: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” James 1:19
We can’t keep from offending everyone, but we can make people feel loved, important and cared for, even in our (and their) brokenness.
yes and amen.
i just got unengaged to someone who would always say to me, “just be yourself”…and i thought that i was…? (i mean, i’m almost 35. i’m probably as much “myself” as i’m going to be at this point in my life, you know?)
wait. i think that takes it to a different level.
anyway. yes. and thank you.
xo
Mary Kathryn — Even though I think we keep growing into our “selves” our entire life, it doesn’t sound like your fiancee was doing a very good job of acknowledging the beauty he saw in you and calling it out. Part of the problem with the “be yourself” advice is that you can’t really command someone to “be themselves.” Being “ourselves is usually a product of a loving, caring environment.
Ending a relationship is so hard, especially an engagement. I’m proud of you for doing what you knew was right, even if it wasn’t easy. Praying for you in this hard season.
I love how you said that! “Be yourself, except … be humble.” That is so powerful. Totally takes the focus off of self and puts others first.
And I am so with you … thank goodness our identity isn’t “fixed” where we are right now. The shaping and refining may not always be easy, but becoming more like Him through it all is more than worth it!
Emily — absolutely. Well said.
I love how you remind us that we’re not incapable of change and that God is always at work in us. I think one thing about myself that I really struggle with and that I tend to impose on others is this cynicism that people cannot change, that the things that are broken cannot be fixed, so I just keep on breaking them. I know my faults and the faults of others and I often feel powerless to change them, believing that everything is inevitable. Thanks for reminding me that with God, WE are possible and capable of change.
“cynicism that people cannot change”
I struggle with this, too. Funny, though, I don’t have the same cynicism about myself. I guess because I can’t control the change process in others, or even their desire to change, it seems like it’s more of an impossibility. But if God can change me, he can change others.
Bethany — I get stuck in that rut, too. I was listening to a podcast this week about prayer, and the pastor was talking about how our prayers have the ability to change the hand of God, and I started feeling really convicted about how little faith I have in that area. I just assume that what’s going to happen will happen, and I should just figure out a way to survive inside of that reality. Thank goodness life isn’t like that, but I have to keep reminding myself again and again that this is the case, and to press forward with energy and conviction (and optimism).
Thanks for your thoughts, as always.
Great mantra — humility covers all the bases.
Before trying to fix anything yourself, see if the eye glasses are under warranty. If they are, the problem is already solved: take them to wherever you got them and demand a replacement. Not all warranties cover accidents, so be sure to check before demanding a replacement. Also note that by doing the repair yourself, you are liable for all damages, and can damage your glasses further rather than paying more for the fix.