Photo Credit: Rebecca812, Creative Commons
“Tell her thank you,” a mom is coaxing her little girl. The flush-faced four year old looks at the barista, who has just handed her a not-so-hot chocolate, beautifully whipped and drizzled. At four years old she is grateful for the treat, but also nervous. Nervous to speak, nervous of someone she doesn’t know.
“Tell her thank you,” the mom continues, but the little girl doesn’t speak.
Instead, she ducks beneath the counter, looks to her mother, tries to hide.
“Sorry,” the mom apologizes to the Barista. “We’re still trying to train her in basic social graces.
Basic social graces.
Hear me out. I’m not criticizing the mom. The mom was doing a great job of being a mom. She was teaching her daughter how to be polite, which every mom should teach her kids. But as I watched the mom, I got this familiar, uncomfortable feeling. Flash backs to another scene which had taken place, a few hours earlier, in the same location.
He was a regular customer. More regular than most, actually. He came in every day, sometimes multiple times each day in his expensive suit and vibrant tie. He was friendly, confident, always well-dressed and well-spoken. An upstanding citizen.
I was nice, like I am to everyone. I told him hello. I smiled.
I even asked him about his day.
But it didn’t take long before I started to notice that he didn’t treat me like the other customers treated me. He would stare for longer. Talk about his divorce, his dissatisfaction with his sex life. He would touch my hand for just a brief moment in the exchange of money. One day, while I was in the lobby, broom and dust pan in hand, he walked by and put his hand on the small of my back.
It wasn’t malicious. It was really subtle, actually. Most people could have passed it off as “no big deal” and would have told me to forget about it. They would have told me that I was blowing things out of proportion and that he was just being “nice.” I should just be nice back. I understand social graces. Plus, my whole job is to be nice to people and hand them coffee — isn’t it?
But suddenly, I didn’t want to be nice anymore.
In the weeks that followed, when he would come into the coffee shop, I would hide —
Just like the four year old girl, except for instead of ducking under the counter, I would retreat to the back room where I didn’t have to face him because, just like her, I knew that I was supposed to be nice to people, but I didn’t know that being “nice” didn’t mean letting someone take advantage of me. Being “nice” didn’t mean not trusting my instinct with a person.
Somewhere along the way I think I started obeying the Gospel of Niceness instead of the Gospel of Jesus.
Jesus was nice, but he was other things too.
Jesus confronted people’s brokenness, which doesn’t always come across as very nice. When Jesus met the woman a the well, for example, he didn’t avoid her brokenness for the sake of being “nice”. He got right to it. “Go call your husband,” he said, knowing very well that she didn’t have a husband. Even when she admitted she was husband-less, Jesus took it one step further and reminded her (as if she forgot) that she “had five husbands” and that the guy she’s with now wasn’t even her husband.
He didn’t sugar coat it, that’s for sure.
Jesus understood what I so often forget, which is that being “nice” doesn’t mean covering other people’s brokenness. If I cover a wound they have in their life, they can’t notice it, or feel the pain of it, which means they won’t turn to Him for healing.
That isn’t very nice at all.
Also, I think I had failed to realize that being “nice” doesn’t mean meeting every person’s every need. If that were the case, then the call to “niceness” would be an impossible call to meet. Even Jesus didn’t take on this responsibility — and He was Jesus. He often retreated from the crowds, who constantly “needed” something from him.
When I look back on my life I often see how it was actually the kindness of God that He didn’t meet every perceived “needs” I’ve had.
Just because someone has a need doesn’t mean that you (or I) have to meet it.
Sometimes the nicest thing you can do is to walk away.
Question: Do you feel like you have a tendency to be “too nice”?
Wow how I can relate to this story, about being younger and having my mother try to teach me social graces. Although, today I have gotten better, I am still very bunt. I cut to the case and often do it without thinking, which can be the downside because I could hurt someone without knowing.
It is really nice to see that someone else also see what I see when I see Jesus. He was nice to a point. I love that you wrote about that because I see that too but everyone else told me I am wrong.
Thank you so much for sharing,
Cody @Solemn Sound
Cody — it can be a little bit of a dance to find a balance between treating all people with dignity and respect, and at the same time holding a firm personal boundary. As my husband always reminds me, “Nice is nice, but the absence of nice is not mean.” I like that. It reminds me that I don’t have to swing from “nice” to “mean”.
Sometimes the kindest thing I can do for a person is hold to my personal boundary, even if it hurts them.
I’m sorry you had to go through that experience, Ally.
A similar situation that I can’t discuss here came to mind, and I’m currently employing the “hide” method. I really appreciate your reminder that Jesus was direct, sometimes at the expense of being nice.
Katie
Thanks Katie. I know how you feel. I’ll be praying for the courage you need to establish a swift resolution in the situation.
There was a man that was alone that my parents would help. He was usually invited over for holiday dinners because he had no one. When I was a senior in high school I worked at a gas station making pizza and he started coming in to get his lottery tickets. He would linger in the back near where I cooked and it started to get uncomfortable. I started hiding in the storage room until he left. I went off to college and whenever he talked to my parents he would ask about me. My parents would vaguely answer but he was never invited over again when I was home.
You can definitely be too nice. My parents were filling the nice role but I no longer need to be polite to him. They probably should have said something to him and maybe they did.
One thing that was really clear to me after this experience is that all relationships need to have boundaries.
Jessica — it makes it even more difficult when these people come into your personal space (your family). Bravo to your parents for noticing that there was an issue, and for helping you establish that boundary. Helps to create safety if you have someone helping you do it.
I’m sorry that had to happen to you, but happy to know that you found a resolution that included zero contact with this guy.
Boundaries. Yes. Good boundaries create great relationships.
Yes. Yes to all of this. I used to feel like I hd to be nice, even when I was rejecting unwanted sexual advances… and I let myself get caught up in an abusive situation because I was afraid of being seen as, well, not nice. I learned that being “nice” for the sake of being perceived as nice and denying that instinct that said “do anything to get out of this place” was denying kindness to myself.
I recently had a similar situation to the one you described at my own work. I gave him several chances to respect my boundaries, all of which he ignored. I reported him to my manager, and I feel so so lucky and blessed to have a boss who was completely on my side, who never suggested that it was my fault for being too nice (!) and inviting that kind of attention. I also told my coworkers so they’d understand why I was ducking out when he showed up. I ignore him as much as possible now and make it clear whenever he tries to accuse me of being moody that I don’t owe him anything. So thankful I have the freedom to do this!
always give boundaries, ladies, and if he doesn’t respect those, create distance! And tell people. You need someone to have your back or walk you out to your car. Let people in on it, and forget niceness; be kind to everyone, including yourself.
Wow, Caitlin. Thank you so much for sharing that story. I love that your boss was understanding, and that she didn’t blame you for inviting the advances by being too nice!
I hope others read your story and are encouraged to speak up and do their part to create safe boundaries for themselves in their own circumstances.
Thanks again for reading and sharing.
I think the danger of being too “nice” can happen in church. Every time we hear of another ministry that needs volunteers, it can be so easy to feel like we have to be the one to sign up…even though we might already be serving in 5 other places. When we overload ourselves, it becomes difficult to be “nice” to anyone because we can get so stressed! Setting good boundaries applies in so many areas of life.
“Just because someone has a need doesn’t mean that you (or I) have to meet it.” YES. Even in church. Thanks for the reminder.
Brianna — that’s such a good point. For some reason I think women, and Christian women especially, are extra vulnerable to this tendency. I don’t know. Maybe I’m making too broad of generalizations, but I just think that Christian women often buy into the lie that they should be involved in EVERYTHING at church, and that if “no one else will do it” they should have to.
If no one has the time, talent and resources to do something… maybe it shouldn’t be done at all…?
I definitely agree–I can honestly say I love my church, and often feel that if someone else isn’t stepping in to make something happen, I should. Saying “no” in the church can often be difficult, because it makes us (or maybe it’s just me?) feel like we’re letting the church or its programs down, and perhaps in doing so, ultimately letting Jesus down.
Jesus called us to serve, yes; but that doesn’t mean we have to serve everywhere, in every possible way. It gets hard to remember that sometimes though.
It’s not just you. I feel the same way!
Yes, I’ve definitely been too nice at times. Sometimes when I don’t even want to be! It just comes out so natural to be nice, that I find myself in situations where I wish I would have been “mean” or just really assertive- or just honestly be more like Jesus.
Like when an guy I felt uncomfortable around from church would ask me for rides, I would say yes to help out and be nice, but that only led to him thinking I liked him, and it got a little awkward, so I had to start saying no, or getting other men I knew to give him rides.
Jesus calls us to be bold, truth-telling, loving and wise, not “nice.” He definitely wasn’t nice when got upset and overturned the tables at the temple! Mark 11:15.
Lu — good points. I think setting firm boundaries helps clear up any confusion that might exist about our intentions, like you said.
Your comment makes me think — It almost seems easier to be “firm” or “assertive” with a stranger than it does with a friend who crosses a boundary. Or a friend of a friend, someone in our church or social circle.
Why is that?
Good point. I’ve totally been there before.
It might be because we are scared to lose something. Or maybe because we generally like to be liked and saying “no” is a negative thing and doesn’t fit our schema of “getting liked”?
Definitely agree with this- and I’m really surprised you used the example of Jesus talking to the woman at the well to show he wasn’t always “nice.” Usually people talk about how he offended the Pharisees, called them hypocrites, etc. With the woman at the well, he acknowledged her brokenness, he didn’t try to cover it up- but he didn’t judge her for it either. Sooooo, we shouldn’t be “nice” in the sense of pretending everything is perfect and there is no brokenness, but we should be loving and accepting toward everyone, not judging them.
And don’t feel like you have to be “nice” to that creepy guy. That makes me angry just thinking about guys like that.
I think that’s why I like the example of the woman of the woman at the well — because Jesus isn’t outright mean, or angry, but he is firm and honest. That’s how I want to act toward people who overstep a boundary with me.
Yes! I’ve been figuring this out and having these conversations this entire year! I think it was Max Dubinsky who blogged that “we aren’t called to be nice.” And your story is such an excellent example of grace doesn’t include allowing people to disrespect us.
Thank you for being brave and for sharing, Ally, because it gives me more courage to do so in the future.
-Lindsay
Thanks Lindsay! Would you post a link to Max’s post you mentioned? I haven’t seen it but I’d love to read it.
Yes. I am so guilty of this. I was raised to think that ‘keeping up appearances’ and those basic social graces were being nice, and everything less than that was being mean. While I have learned as I’ve grown older that this is not necessarily the case, it is still difficult for me to really be honest with people if it could at all be construed as mean. As an adult who became a Christian at age 23, I have had a hard time with this because I want people to see Christ in me so badly. I know that Christ had good boundaries and that I am living more by what the church has defined as being Christ-like. I have been praying lately that God would give me the ability to walk away from certain situations. I lost a friend recently because I refused to abandon my beliefs about God and what He has done for me. I am coming to realize that, had I been ‘nice’ and not been honest about my faith when asked, I would have been living a lie, and friendship maintained out of a lie is no friendship at all.
Excellent post! This really spoke to my heart.
Julia — when you say, “I want people to see Christ in me so badly” I know exactly what you’re talking about. The beautiful thing is that we don’t have to work hard to get people to see Christ in us. In fact, the harder we work, the less Christ is visible in us. Scriptures say that when we boast in our WEAKNESS, that’s when He has a chance to display His Glory. That is the coolest thing I’ve learned since I started walking with Jesus.
Also, thank you for sharing part of your story with us. It’s really powerful. You’re a brave woman. Keep being honest with yourself and others.
Too nice? Of course. I don’t want to disappoint people. I try to squeeze too much pleasing others into whatever so I don’t have to deny them and maybe hurt their feelings. Just today I had to go to my boss and say, “Here’s the situation, please help me think through it.” She said, “I can be the bad guy. You can’t take a two week trip and make it three and a half weeks in order to make everyone else happy. You need to be healthy. The proposed trip won’t let health happen.” Such a weight was lifted.
I hate not being nice–especially to people I care about. Sometimes others need to be disappointed so I can be healthy.
Sheryl — thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It’s so easy to get caught in the trap of being too “nice” like you said — especially with the people we care about. The thing I’m teaching myself is that sometimes “caring” for someone includes being honest with them, even if it hurts them in the short run.
Oh yes, The Gospel of Niceness is so exhausting. I’m looking forward to saving my energy.
Thank you so much for this Ally. I’m sorry you had to deal with that guy, that definitely sounds creepy.
Being too nice is definitely an issue for me. I’ve wrestled with a twisted sense of guilt over this. Too many times I’ll hesitate to express disagreement with someone because it might not be “nice” or it might come across as “judgmental.” When I do express disagreement with someone, sometimes I’ll apologize afterwards because I’m not sure if I did it in a nice enough way. I’ve been told that I overapologize and that’s probably true. I feel like it’s difficult to tell when I should apologize for something, how to speak truth into people’s lives and just exactly how nice I can be without getting to the point where I’ve sugar coated the truth. Ally do you have any advice? Or any books you’d recommend that might be helpful?
The top picture of the four year old little girl is under my copyright and is not under a creative commons license. Please remove it. Thanks so much.