We all want the best wife or husband we can get.
I mean, dating is basically like spouse-shopping, isn’t it? You check people out, evaluate them from a distance, think about if they meet your needs, if they come with all the specific bells and whistles you were looking for. Then you make them a deal.
You know, tell them what you’re willing to offer.
Kind of like picking out an entertainment center.
The problem for me when I was single wasn’t that I wanted a good spouse (it’s good to want a good spouse) but in what my idea of a “good” spouse was, and in my assumption that a “good” spouse would somehow make me a good spouse too. I figured that if I found a guy who was attractive, and successful, and loving — meant that I was probably attractive, successful and loving too.
My idea of a “good spouse” has changed so much since I got married.
A good spouse is humble.
The person you marry is inexplicably connected to you (two really do become one) and like it or not, that means the way they act, the way they think, and even those ugly shoes they try to wear are connected to you. I think when I was single I thought this meant I should look for a man who had all of the “right” qualities so that I wouldn’t be stuck with qualities I didn’t like, or didn’t believe in.
Now I can see that humility is the most valuable quality in a husband.
More valuable than a man who wears the right clothes and says the right things, is a man who is honest about his faults, and is humble enough to change. Humility (more than good looks, or talent in the kitchen) is what makes me a good wife to my husband.
Humble people don’t alway stand out in a crowd (usually their the ones wearing the ugly shoes). They might not be the next guy/gal in the running for The Bachelor.
But humble people make the best wives and husbands.
A good spouse is a servant
This sounds really obvious, but a good spouse thinks about others before they think about themselves.
The problem is, as much as we believe this to be true, we don’t live in a world that celebrates servants. In fact, we celebrate independence, self-sufficiency do-it-your-self-ness. So not only are we trying to become more independent and self-sufficient, we’re also looking (maybe subconsciously) for a person who has those qualities.
When I got married I realized that all that energy I spent learning to protecting myself and fend for myself and “make something” of myself was wasted, if only because now I have to re-train myself to protect someone else before I protect myself.
When I forsake myself to care for my husband, I am a good wife to him.
When he covers me before he covers himself, he is a good husband.
A good spouse holds a good boundary.
I used to think that a good wife did whatever her husband asked her to do. I cringed at the thought because I’m fairly independent and always have an opinion about everything, so I’ll be honest.
I wondered if I would ever be a good wife to anyone.
The thing I’ve learned is that doing whatever my husband asks me to do does not make me a good wife to him. In fact, just the opposite. He is a good spouse to me, and I am a good spouse to him, when we can hold a strong boundary with one another.
A good spouse tells you (in love) when you are out of line.
The girl/guy who told you no when you wanted to push the physical boundary — that one is spouse material. The one who didn’t always bend and change to make you comfortable. Think about marrying that person.
It’s counter-intuitive, if you ask me.
People with good boundaries don’t always win popularity contests. They aren’t always the “nicest” people you know. But they fear the Lord more than they fear you, and that makes a really good spouse.
The qualities that you’re looking for in a spouse while you’re dating sometimes don’t seem to matter once you’re married. You both like rock climbing, or yoga, or you both voted for Barak Obama, or you’re Baptist or you’re vegan — whatever. People change. Life changes. And in six months from now, or six years from now, the qualities you thought you wanted might not be qualities you want anymore.
And the qualities you never thought would matter sometimes seem to become the most valuable.
Are you single? What qualities are you looking for? Are you married? What qualities do you most appreciate in your spouse?
My ideal spouse is a man that will put Christ first and be willing to follow wherever He leads.
Sarah — that’s great perspective. Keep looking for a man like that — they’re out there!
“A good spouse holds a good boundary.” Is a good one.
In high school I made a list of qualities I’d like in a husband. It was a pretty ridiculous list once I reread it. I stopped making lists. I figure I’ll know who’s right when I know.
Sarah — It’s true, you will “know when you know” (Even though I used to hate that saying when I was single, it’s really true… I get now why married people explained it that way)
Married here. I appreciate openness in my spouse. We can talk to each other about anything. It helps having that at those times I realize I’m not being as loving or giving as I should. Apologizing doesnt feel awkward because of openness. And of course, I appreciate that he is quick to forgive. Living with someone who isn’t would be incredibly hard. I guess I appreciate the traits that help things work when you do mess up… Cause we’re very human in marriage.
Shelly. Amen. Human in life and human in marriage. When we’re dating we idealize people (he/she is “perfect,” if only I could get a person like him/her I would be happy…) but even the most “ideal” spouse has real, live brokenness that shows up behind closed doors.
I just printed this and put it on my fridge! I loved it! I am a newlywed, (literally, just married a month and a half) and we have taken on a lot in our first few months. We are GREAT at communicating, but need work on allowing frustrations and stress to make us nit-picky with one another. I love your blog and your encouraging and king words! Thank you sister!
Jenny
Jenny — congrats on your marriage!!! That’s so exciting. I’m glad the post was an encouragement to you (fridge status, that’s a big deal!) Thanks for reading and sharing part of your story. Hope to see you around here more as your marriage unfolds, too!
Great post, Ally! I’ve been married for five years, and I’m learning pretty much all of this the hard way – as in, I haven’t been these things for my husband (and I thought I would be such a great wife). Such great reminders of the things that make marriage wonderful.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Michelle — awesome! Thank you so much for sharing.
I’m like you. I thought I would be a “great” wife because of things that I brought to the relationship (like being a good cook, or taking care of myself physically, or being willing to bend and flex to make my husband happy) but I’m finding out that none of the things I thought would make me a “good wife” really do what I thought they’d do.
Here’s to learning as we go! Thanks for reading and chiming in.
I really liked this post. I’ve never thought about boundaries as being that high up the Good Spouse List, (probably because I dont have them) but the more I think about it the more I agree with you. Like you said, it has to do with pleasing Gid more than man, which is, you now, kind of a big deal for a Christian. Thanks so much for your excellent thoughts and darn good writing.
Very thought provoking. This post seems to echo a concept that I have had to learn the hard way…that is, no matter how sincere and pure your ideas are, you may still be wrong. Given that I am an analyzer by nature, you would think that I would have that one figured out…lol.