Creative Commons: FaceMePLS
In case you don’t know the “correct” answer to this question, let me catch you up. If a woman ever asks a man (or another woman for that matter): “Do I look fat in these pants?” The answer, without even looking, is no. 100% of the time.
Isn’t it?
That’s what I was taught (by culture, experience, etc) growing up. Maybe you were too.
The objective, I think, is to prevent injury, which is is a good objective I guess. A woman is insecure about how she looks in a particular pair of pants, or in general, which leads her to ask the question, “Do you think I look fat?” and the emphatic “no!” silences her insecurity and calms her anxiety, at least for the moment. It seems like a nice thing to do, doesn’t it?
It’s why I’ve spent most of my life being obedient to this rule, and expecting others to abide by it too.
But the older I get, the more I wonder if this strategy is really helping anyone.
I’m not just talking about women and pants, by the way, I’m talking about all kinds of things. How we talk around difficult subjects rather than speaking directly to them because we’re worried about how the message will be received. We don’t confront close friends or family members about damaging habits in their life — smoking, over-eating, porn — because we’re worried about how they might respond.
We’re trying to be nice, I think, but is it working?
Especially when most of the time, instead of confronting them, we end up gossiping about them (or thinking judgmental thoughts about them) behind their backs. Being nice is a nice thought, but what about being honest?
What does the Bible have to say about these things?
The word “nice” in the dictionary is defined as “pleasing; agreeable; delightful; amiable” and by that definition, I’m a really nice person. But does God ever implore us to be nice? I’m wracking my brain, thinking through the New Testament, trying to remember what, if anything, the Bible has to say about being nice.
I can remember verses about being humble, treating one another with love, even a verse in Galatians about how kindness is a fruit of the Spirit. But nothing about making sure you’re nice to everyone, all the time.
Jesus wasn’t even “nice” all the time.
Jesus did, however, tell the truth. He valued truth. It is by truth we are sanctified (John 17:17); given the gift of the Holy Spirit who empowers us and encourages us (Ephesians 1:14); and are set free (John 8:32).
The problem with being “nice” all the time is that I wrongly assume responsibility for someone else’s fears, insecurities, and brokenness. It might seem like I am protecting them but instead, I’m just driving myself crazy trying to fix a problem that I don’t have the power to fix.
The wound of insecurity existed before me, and continues without me there.
If I am constantly taking responsibility for something that isn’t mine, I’m making the problem worse, not better. I’m stealing the opportunity for another person recognize the wound and to (in relationship with God) step toward real wholeness and healing.
No one wants to hear that they do look fat in these pants (for all kinds of reasons that could constitute a post of their own) but truth, not niceness, is the path to freedom.
Isn’t it?
Question: Have you ever told someone that they do look fat in those pants (or the equivalent)? Do we have the kind of relationships that allow hard conversations?
Awesome stuff!
Thanks Jayson!
Love this post! We better have the kind of relationships that allow hard conversations or we can’t grow. If I ask (man or woman) if I look fat in a pair of pants, I hope they tell me honestly. If I didn’t want to know, I wouldn’t have asked.
Sundi — that’s exactly what I thought! As hard as it is to hear the truth sometimes, the alternative is that I walk around in really unflattering “pants” all the time. Haha
Speaking the truth in love is so hard! I’ve only found myself in that place once and it ended in tears for both of us. However, 6 months later the entire situation had changed for the better and it was amazing to see how powerfully God had worked when I felt there was nothing I could do to steer this person back onto the right path.
Louise — wow, that sounds like such a hard circumstance. To me, it never feels good to share the truth when it creates a rift in the relationship. But like you said, painful circumstances reveal our weakness so God has an opportunity to heal our hearts. It’s a gift, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Thanks for sharing your story.
This is really good. I have very few (but amazing!) women friends as a result of this issue. It seems to me that women prefer to feel good than to be honored with the truth. I absolutely hate being lied to- about anything. It communicates to me that you care more about your own comfort than you do about allowing more light (truth) into my life.. It makes me feel insecure and unloved… So I do my best to always be truthful. The best way I have found to stay motivated to do this (in awkward situations), is to always fall back on Love. Is telling the truth to this person loving them? (Yes.) How can I wrap this truth up in love? (“speaking the truth in love”..)… I find that people respect and value that about me, and I often have the privilege of being trusted by individuals who find it difficult to trust. There is so much safety in Truth (Truth founded on Love)..
“There is so much safety in Truth founded in love.”
That’s such a great way to say it. It’s such a safe feeling to know the truth. Thank you so much for reading and sharing.
I’ve always thought that the answer to that question is, “You are as beautiful as always.” Or some variant, as long as it’s heartfelt. Not only does it potentially avoid trouble, but it also addresses the deeper question that I think is hidden below the surface.
That’s a great point..
That’s a great response! I love it.
I like your point, but I have to say that the “truth” in this situation is not telling someone they might look fat in the pants, but helping them see the societal roots of that dysfunctional insecurity. We are all beautiful because that’s how God made us, and we’re not made ugly because some person or society says we don’t look like we “should.” I think that fits into the category of speaking the truth in love. Sorry… I’m just not excited about the analogy you used.
Shelly — I get your point and you’re right, but this is also a sticky topic because, while there are certain unrealistic expectations placed on us by our culture, and those unrealistic expectations lead to unfair insecurity, there is also the reality that some of us don’t take care of the body we’ve been given…
Learning to take care of our bodies, without being obedient to the unrealistic expectations of society is an individual process — one between me (the owner of the body) and God — but one that can also be enhanced with the value of community, inviting others to tell us the truth about ourselves.
Also — on a practical note, there are some pants/clothes that are just not flattering, would you agree?
“The problem with being “nice” all the time is that I wrongly assume
responsibility for someone else’s fears, insecurities, and
brokenness. It might seem like I am protecting them but instead, I’m
just driving myself crazy trying to fix a problem that I don’t have the
power to fix.”
Really well said.
I think the only thing I would add is that our pursuit of the truth must be tempered by humility in regards to our ability to know the truth. The trick about telling someone they look fat in those jeans in distinguishing what is your subjective opinion and what is objective fact. One guy’s fat is another guy’s luscious.
Makana — that’s really true. Perspective is everything and there’s nothing more irritating than someone who perpetually assumes that their perspective is objective fact, when really it’s just their subjective opinion.
Thanks for adding that.
I have been posed this question a couple of times, and I have to admit – it’s a tricky question to answer. The answer is highly dependent on the person who’s asking the question or you’ll risk hurting feelings. I certainly agree that being truthful is far better than being nice, especially if being nice means being a liar. Being truthful should always be shown with a lot of love and respect – and I think that’s the key.
Shalom — I totally agree. Speaking the truth in LOVE is the tricky balance.
“…I wrongly assume responsibility for someone else’s fears, insecurities, and brokenness.” This is one of the best things I ever learned in counseling!
I don’t think this is the greatest example, especially for guys. It’s all about the context. It’s not that a woman can’t appreciate honesty, but she likely expects the man in her life to make her happiness the #1 priority.
Other contexts, such as if an overweight person asks whether they should eat another bowl of ice cream, present a better opportunity for honest confrontation. As Eccelesiastes says, there’s a time for everything. It’s a matter of reading the cues, or finding a good opening for presenting truth.
Since the sword of truth is a weapon, we can easily hurt people with it.