Is it true that a man has to pursue a woman? Or is that just one of those things that Christians say?
How do we know that this is the right thing to do?
Where does it say it?
In the Bible? Okay, so what verses? Can we list them here?
And if it is true, what exactly does that look like for a man to pursue? Put some flesh to that word. As in: helpful, concrete examples.
Is it wrong for a woman to ask a man on a date?
Or, okay, fine. Not wrong. But is it best if she doesn’t?
What happens if she does?
I hear lot of stories with examples of the man knowing first: “She was the one I want to marry” (then he convinces her)
Or sometimes I hear stories of the couple knowing simultaneously… but not as many stories about the woman knowing first.
Tell me a story like that. Does anyone have one?
If the man is the one who pursues, what is the woman supposed to do?
Wait? Okay, that’s fine. But… anything else?
What does it look like for a woman to “make herself available” or “be inviting”?
Are the rules of dating the same for everyone?
Guys – if you could have a female audience for thirty seconds – and you could tell them anything you wanted – what would you like them to know?
I know my own answers to these questions. I want to hear yours.
Ready. Set. Go.
Very good questions!
I don’t think there is biblical ground for this action in particular, but is rather a rereading of patriarchal societies without the arranged marriage element. We live in the first era where regular marriage is a marriage of personal choice, not communal decision.
Dating, therefore, is tricky to evaluate biblically with any amount of confidence. If in this area, we want to be biblical, we need to have our parents set up our marriages. However, the key is attempting to be God honoring in who and how we date. We don’t date those of different faiths, nor do we date in a way that leads to sin (both can be easier said than done!)
So, the only reason a woman should allow a man to be the aggressor is for his ego–not necessarily the best of reasons.
Matt, you made three really important points in my opinion.
First, “dating” is not a biblical concept.
Second, “the key to dating is attempting to be God honoring in who and how we date.”
And finally, that all of this is easier said than done.
Good stuff. Thanks for sharing.
Ah, pulling a Ruth. I know a woman who landed an amazing guy who I deeply respect by initiating all of their initial interactions. I don’t think this always works, but I’ll tell you what happened and why it worked this time:
I think several female commenters have noted how attractive it is for a guy to be passionately involved in something, to work hard. Well, this guy was so dedicated to studying Biblical Languages to the point that he had no social life, but nearly had a masters while the rest of us were wrapping up our bachelors. She was the one who always saw him in the library, or heard him speak in class, and came to him and insisted that all this studying without any recreation wasn’t healthy, so she made him do things with her.
He was a passionate man, but open to correction. Perhaps a little shy, he certainly wasn’t going around chasing women. She liked what she saw in him and also saw a way she could serve him. I think it worked because he wasn’t the kind of guy who would even have girls on his radar unless they put themselves there.
(Hit post too soon)
I think the open to correction part is important to note as well, because when a girl asks a guy out, there will probably be this little implicit voice in his head that can read the invitation as an accusation as well. ‘Want to go for coffee?’ can become ‘Why haven’t you asked me out to coffee?’. A man who is open to correction can take that and respond with initiative in some way. A man who is not open to correction feels like his pride has been wounded.
Makana – thank you for telling that story.
Honest question: which of those two versions is the ego-bruising question: “Want to go for coffee?” or “Why haven’t you asked me out for coffee?” Or, are you saying it doesn’t matter how she asks – that he’ll always hear it the same way?
I would recommend never actually saying ‘Why haven’t you asked me out yet?’ Any relationship that starts with nagging is going to head nowhere good.
Even if a girl asks nicely, there can be a felt silent accusation of inaction because the cultural expectation is the guy will initiate. The question of ‘Why haven’t you asked me out yet?’ is something that sneaks in implicitly because of cultural conditioning, even if the girl doesn’t intend it. His response will be a function of his character and his comfort with transgressing cultural norms.
I think it could be said smilingly in a loving-induced joking way. Which is still to say, it should otherwise be avoided, and I couldn’t agree more with your comment about nagging.
Also, great story.
in another life i used, “so are you going to ask me out or what?” as well as, “my boyfriend and i just broke up, you can ask me out now.”
both worked.
oh, i also proposed. we’ve been married 18 years.
This is an area I have fairly strong opinions of. Not to say they are necessarily correct or set in stone or doctrine.
Should a man pursue a woman? Absolutely. Is this biblical? I believe so. I can’t think of a specific verse off the top of my head, but the entire Bible tells of Jesus’ relentless pursuit of his bride. Paul compares Jesus to man and the Church to the woman. Dating isn’t marriage, but it is a foretaste. If a man doesn’t pursue in the beginning, when will he start? Not sure it’s necessarily a sin. There’s no verse saying, “Thou shalt pursue if thou art a man.” But you shouldn’t eat a lawn mower either.
I think a woman can place herself in a place to be asked or can even ask a man to show his cards. I’m a fan of Mark Driscoll, though I know many are not. I do find contention with things he says from time to time. Here is a video clip of his answering this question: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hluo9nyHBSs. I agree with it.
Chris, I like what you said about dating being the precursor for marriage. The picture of leadership (which I’ve written about before) can’t just start out of nowhere on the wedding day. The tone is set in a dating relationship.
Plus, I think women want to be pursued. We’re perfectly capable of doing the asking, but we’d just rather not. There’s something romantic about a man coming after a us and I don’t know many women who don’t genuinely want to be romanced.
Thoughts?
One thing I have noticed and talked about for a long time is simply the fact that life confirms truth and this is another example of where the Christian World View just makes sense.
Case in point:
A GUY can get rejected, told he is ugly and that he is not wanted and then some how win the girl and brag about it the rest of their lives. We all know couples like this. Have you ever noticed how the guy does not live in insecurity? He was told no eight times and wears it like a badge of honor. These relationships are secure and that is needed for success. The woman here knows this man loves her!
On the other hand, if a GIRL pursues a guy, or asks a guy out, or even subtly makes this first move there is a real danger. Even if the guy is happy about it and says yes the first time and then things go from there, I believe there would be some level of insecurity that could never be answered. The woman would have in the back of her mind the simply question of, “would he have chosen me if I did not say something?”
Of course not every situation would be exactly the same, but the principle points to how different we are. The guy can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would never have chosen him in a thousand years, but he won her over and that is such a great story, and yet could see a woman ever loving that role?
You know, I have never met a single guy who was unaffected by the rejection they have received in their life. But I have met tons of guys who have acted like they weren’t. They had to, because if they expressed their pain they wouldn’t be men, right? Furthermore, any girl telling men they are ugly and unwanted doesn’t deserve a man. You don’t just bounce back from that. You develop coping mechanisms. Misogynistic ones. Because men want to be desired too, and one way to lessen the sting of comments like that is to dehumanize the people making them.
Guys don’t like rejection, girls don’t like it either. Several women have pointed out how they feel they have been silently rejected when they aren’t asked out. We all feel the pain of rejection, and it’s not like this system where guys always ask is really sparing women of it. People go on and on about how different men and women are, but I tell you, I didn’t even begin to understand or respect women until I realized that they were humans too, and what we had in common was a hundred times greater than what we didn’t.
I’ll agree with you to a point, Makana. No one likes rejection, that’s for certain. I do think guys are more easily able to compartmentalize things though, allowing them to be less affected by rejection. Perhaps this means guys are better suited to be doing the pursuing, or perhaps it means women are better suited to learn from it. Hard to say.
John, that is may be true. But my point is that the margins of that difference are smaller than most people think. Everyone compartmentalizes, it isn’t necessarily a good thing. If men are on average, say, 10% more able to compartmentalize, does it make sense that they then bear 100% of the risk of initial rejection by always being the ones who ask? What about the man who doesn’t compartmentalize much?
I’ve actually always heard men are generally more fearful of rejection because they feel the need to “measure up”
Being one who pursued my husband in a sense, I’m not sure there’s any particular way that it needs to be done. I also feel like it’s a little unfair- growing up around all boys- to expect them to 1) know HOW to pursue us and 2) be responsible for all pursuing.
There did come a point in my “crush” on Taylor when I had to stop placing myself in his path and allow him to come and ask me out (finally!). Perhaps that’s where he began the pursuit, but I think it’s just as important for women to seek after the kind of guy they want before and after a relationship starts.
“It’s just as important for women to seek after the kind of guy they want…”
Good reminder not to let our role as women be too passive. And that “pursuit” looks different for every couple. Thanks for sharing your story!
I sat with my husband on our first date and felt sick to my stomach. I “knew” I would marry him. I just knew it. So I rebelled. After three dates I told him that I was not the “dating” type. “Do not come into my space.” “My life is complicated.” “blah-blah-blah”. So we did NOT DATE about three times a week. We played tennis, golf, long walk, talks, lunches and dinners. He never came into my space. Never tried to put a hand on shoulder, hold my hand, no hug nothing. Darn it!!! What I had done in this rebellion. I got to know this man as a dear friend. How do I make the switch over? I struggled to get into his space. To be a flirty girl at the confused age of 36. My friend said just casually touch his shoulder or something like that. So during an evening when he came over to watch a move I did it. I handed him a drink while he was sitting. He is really tall,so sitting his knee came up high. I tapped him on the knee and said something stupid like ” I hope this is cold enough.” Later that evening (apparently he had picked up my “green” light) when it was time to leave he went to give me a hug, which I turned it into the MOST awkward side hug EVER.
The reality is that David did pursue me for three months with a huge boundary I set in place because after that first dinner I was scared and wanted to run away. But there was something so deep and so different, and there was a tenderness and caring about him that I could not run, but I had to stop any hint of “this being the one.”. Only thing is, in his gentle pursuit of me I did begin to really really like him and look forward to our not dating golf games, and tennis matches, and dinners out and long walks.
One of those lunches turned into a proposal of dating exclusively, which shocked me. He had not ever even held my hand and desired to date me exclusively. Wow, that was a shocker. Nine year later he is still that gentle soul, caring so tenderly for me. Just last night sitting on my bed, my daughter and her friend, both in relationships discussing what matters and asking if they notice that the young men in their lives are taking care of their hearts, genuinely pursuing that caring of their hearts.
That is the long short of a never ending love story.
Elizabeth, thank you for sharing your love story! We love to hear from the married folks out there.
nice, I always wonder how often this sort of situation arises and we men give up too soon out of respect or a feeling of rejection.
I am wondering if I am in this situation right now actually.
When I first re-met my husband (how we met the first time is a story for another time I suppose), I had no interest in pursuing further contact with him. He lived in Portland. I lived in California. He was not my type.
We, along with a mutual friend, spent an evening together in Portland in meaningful conversation about God, friendships, relationships, and various other topics. Our mutual friend was my ride to the airport to go home the following morning and had arranged for us to stay at my husband’s apartment that night. We were supposed to leave at 430 the next morning and I was pretty surprised when my now husband said he wanted to come… My ride was heading straight home to Seattle from the airport so my husband coming meant waking up very early on a Sunday and driving his own car just to see me off… then go back home.
While at the airport, he insisted we exchange phone numbers in case I were ever in Portland again. I knew that wasn’t gonna happen but I did it anyway. He closed his phone without saving my number but I had successfully saved his number in my phone. Didn’t matter, though, since I would never use it. I’d just delete it later…
Over the next week I thought about this guy way more than I should have and finally sent him a text saying something like, “Hey it’s Kellen. Just wanted to say I hope you have a good day.” Super girlie of me. I felt as though I were pursuing him, even though I wasn’t really interested in pursuing him. But since I wasn’t interested in pursuing him, I felt that it was ok for me to go ahead and pursue him.
Almost immediately I got a text back saying, “Thanks! I hope you have a good day too. Can I call you tonight?”
Wasn’t expecting that. But since I wasn’t interested in pursuing him or him pursuing me, I saw no harm in a phone conversation… which ended up lasting 2 1/2 hours.
So after 6 more months of neither of us pursuing each other because neither of us wanted to be in a relationship–let alone a long-distance one–but still talking and/or texting several times per week, me visiting him once, and him visiting me once, we finally admitted that we were interested in each other.
So we started dating.
About 3-4 months into our dating relationship it was still bothering me that I had initiated the pursuit with my text. While one could argue that he started it by coming to the airport, I figured this didn’t count since it was a one-time event and wouldn’t necessarily lead to anything. I felt that my text, which was the intentional initiation of a private conversation, counted as the initiation of the pursuit.
That’s when I found out that in the week that I spent debating whether or not to pursue this man I wasn’t interested in pursuing, he had already called our mutual friend to get my phone number (silly phones not automatically saving numbers we type in) with the intention of calling me but had not heard back from him prior to my text.
So, there. Yay! He wins the pursuit initiation battle.
But, then again, I still texted him before he called me. So did we pursue each other at the same time? Either way, we’re happily married and expecting our first baby. A girl.
I’m not really sure where I sit on this whole thing…I know that some guys find it a real turn-off if a girl asks them on a date. I know that others don’t really mind. I’ve asked a guy out for coffee before but every time it’s been a casual request and the nature of the evening (date or just friends) was determined by them (through conversation about it!). I don’t really have an issue with asking a guy for coffee…especially since generally speaking it can go either way at that point – relationship or friendship – however I have learned the hard way that after I do that, leave it to him to make any further moves…allow him to lead things in teh direction he’d like them to go (assuming I am okay with that direction!!). There is great reassurance in that. Sure anyone can ask a person to hang out for an evening of conversation but if the relationship is going to go towards something more serious, I feel it has to be him that leads it there, with appropriate encouragement from me. Like someone else said…you don’t just suddenly learn to be led (or lead) the day you say your vows…it begins in dating.
But initial contact….well….I think it’s really very much dependent on the two people involved. In light of the fact that we apparently can be rather scary to approach sometimes, it’s maybe not a bad thing for women to break the ice at times…but what do I know?!
I’m 31 years old, and I’m more confused about dating in this point of my life than I ever have before.
Is it right for me to commit to be in a romantic relationship with a girl when I have no clue I will marry or not. I want to give my heart to only one girl, and I don’t want to giver her a heart that has been used and abused.
Good question Brian. Being in a similar spot I’ve been asking the same questions.
Hi Brian,
Your post prompted two responses in me, because I’ve felt the same thing about not wanting to give my heart away to anyone before my future wife. Hopefully this helps, but I can’t claim to be any less confused about dating than you, so, you know, grain of salt and all that….
First, why do you want to commit to a romantic relationship? Don’t think I’m suggesting it has to be “The One” before you’ll commit, because I’m not sure how I feel about that myself. I’m just wondering what about this particular girl would cause you commit yourself to a relationship with her if you’re unsure she’s the one you want to marry.
Second, I love the thought of being able to present your heart to your future wife as something unspoiled by hurt or betrayal. But my honest response here, is that it’s just not possible. Sure, you may never fall in love with anyone but your wife. But living life to the full in a fallen world means making ourselves vulnerable on a regular basis, and occasionally taking a hit for it. I think it’s how we respond to those times when we are hurt that will have far more impact on our marriages than avoiding them all together.
I’ll try to keep this simple: Date her until you know if you want to marry her or not. Don’t worry about romance, start with compassion. Romance will come when you realize it is the most compassionate thing you could do for her.
You invest your heart into a lot of things. Many things break them. Good things. Your kids, your friends, your family. All can break your heart. The heart is a muscle, it gets stronger when you use it. You don’t guard your heart by not investing it, you atrophy it.
good call. I actually kind of don’t like the idea that going out for coffee is a date. or maybe I place too much weight on the word “date” but I like to hang out and interact with a girl a few times in groups and one-on-one before I can decide if I actually want to take her on a “Date” and pursue. Part of my reason is that if you decide the connection you feel is just friendship, and nothing more then things can get awkward to “go back” and just be friends.
I figure that you only know dates are really dates in retrospect. Do what you want and figure out what to call it later. I guess I’m an agnostic dater
I took a “History of the Old Testament” class once that really brought to life parts of the Bible that I never thought I’d get much out of. They key was understanding the context of everything. One of the things that has stuck with me the most from that class is the placement of the nation of Israel. It took a while, but God finally placed Israel right where He wanted, geographically speaking. Because of the nature of the world at the time, trade routes for all of the eastern world went right through Israel – God placed His chosen people right in the way of everyone, where they would have the most impact on the world, even though they were small in size.
This is largely unrelated I suppose, but the point is, I believe that if we’ll just go where God wants us, we can’t help but be ideally placed for God’s purpose for our lives – including finding the spouse He has for us. Does a man pursuing a woman vs. woman pursuing a man really matter in that context, when we’re both pursuing God? By simply being where God wants us, isn’t that a form of “being inviting”?
Which is kind of a cop-out answer I guess. So, uh…I don’t know?
I really really appreciate this point! And it not only reminds me of the OT but also the NT; Jesus was born when Rome was a power, meaning His gospel could spread to the rest of the world much more easily than before. And I mean, if God knows how many hairs each of us have and knows when a sparrow falls to the ground, obviously He cares about our lives and can and does orchestrate our lives.. But! Does that mean soulmates exist? Or is it rather everyone has a few people that could be God’s best for them?
And thank you ally for this post!! it’s been something i’ve been dying to discuss (slash read discussions about) for awhile now!
Oh I have got to chime in on this one! So girls asking out guys and guys asking out girls. Let me tell you, being that pretty much my entire life I’ve been that “Guy’s Gal” “One of the Guys” type of girls…I’ve always been the one to pursue to the guy. Which I gotta say, although I’m independent and a go-getter…no way, not for me…I’m tired of it. I’m ready for the guys to man of (sorry to offend anyone) and come after us. I can remember having conversations with my best guy friends about it, that would of course tell me how fantastic I was and how happy I would make someone…blah, blah, blah (I truly am grateful for the wonderful men I’ve had in my life)…but I always felt like that pursuit…that responsibility, was a weight too heavy for me sometimes. Over time I acquired the strength to carry it better, but I still feel that a man’s innate masculinity carries that burden naturally. Maybe I’m talking gibberish. Oh well!
When I first saw my husband, at Portland Community College, I thought he was so cute! But I sat in the back of the class and he sat in the front, so he didn’t notice me. A few days later I saw him at church. So I went up and introduced myself. And the rest “is history.” I did NOT make the “first move” by introducing myself. I was simply helping him to know that I existed. He did, shortly after, ask me out on a date. I think that if you like a guy, it’s okay to make yourself known. Women, don’t push yourself on a guy. You will save yourself heartache and disappointment if you had found out he agreed to date you only to be nice. I think that in the Bible, it is obvious that men are leaders, so let him lead. Do not make the habit of leading the relationship. That said, if you like him, talk to him. If he likes you back, it will make it easier on him to ask you out.
Anna: that’s exactly what making yourself available means. Some guys just don’t notice or are aware of who’s noticing them. We’re slow sometimes…
Agreed!
I’d like to raise a question to the concept that the man usually knows first that a woman is the one he wants to marry. I got engaged less than two weeks ago, and there was a long period that she was ‘sure’ before I was. Although I did very much act as the pursuER in the relationship,it took me longer to know she was the one I wanted to marry. Here’s a common order of events from my point of view:
1) He notices her, and likes her, begins pursuit.
2) She responds and reciprocates attraction
3) She falls in love to the 100% mark, and knows she wants to marry.
4) He realizes she is the one he wants to marry, and makes the move.
I think once women start falling in love, they fall COMPLETELY in love quicker than men do. That’s why by the time men pop the question, it’s usually an unequivocal YES (or no.) The woman has already made up her mind by the time the man does. I think that’s because women are naturally better relationship evaluators than men are.
Hi Jake,
Very interesting discussion point—and congrats! on your engagement.
While your observances here are certainly true for many women, they aren’t true for all women. I’m not even sure it would be accurate to say that it is true about most women, or women in general.
Lots of factors come into play:
–Personality: Contemplative women and analytical women, for example are people who need time to think through things carefully, and often cautiously. They don’t fall in love quickly or easily. Some women are just as commit-aphobic as all men are accused of being: some because of personality; some because of…
–Circumstances: How deeply has she been hurt by men in the past? It will certainly affect her ability to fall in love, that is to say, trust a man completely.
—Social scripts: Women are socialized, generally, to exhibit and nurture dispositions toward Hollywood romanticism. But this is not healthy or good in my opinion and leads to all sorts of relational problems, like not being able discern between being in love and actually loving; in other words, it stifles their ability evaluate their relationship properly.
I know of many men who knew before she did. I know a few women who knew before he did. And usually the one who knows and the one who is unsure find each other.
“Are the rules of dating the same for everyone?” No. Everyone is different. People are complicated. And yes. A very small handful of rules are the same for everyone because people are people: dating rules, such as say, prohibitions against extramarital marriages (sex), can be summed up by the same rule that sums up all rules: love, Other (God) and other(people)-orientation.
Has anyone thought about the idea that maybe “pursing” can happen from both sides? I know earlier someone talked about “God pursing his bride” but aren’t we also called to “pursue” God? And would a relationship work better if BOTH parties were pursuing a deeper relationship?
How scandalously egalitarian of you, Adam. I like your style.
1. if a man doesn’t have the balls to ask me out, he’s not a man i want to date.
2. if a man doesn’t know i’m interested, i have issues expressing how i feel.
ohh, #1
That is a very concise way of looking at it and I like it! I agree wholeheartedly with #1 and I know that I have had trouble with expressing how I feel/making a man aware of my interest/sticking my big foot in my mouth when trying to express interest and failing badly. lol
can girls break the ice? sure. why not?
do guys also like being pursued? yep.
dating is messy. and scary. and kind of fabulous.
living every day in fear of doing or choosing the wrong thing will only lead to fear of the right thing. dating has to be a bit daring no matter who asks who out.
you just have to remember that a date does not equal a relationship. or even an emotional tie. it’s a date. it’s a chance to start exploring conversation or whether you both like pizza and/or Harry Potter.
This question got buried in the comments from Preston’s Guest Post, but I still want an answer!
Men (or women) how do you pursue someone with a busy schedule?
It’s annoying when people use “I’m busy” instead of “no thank you!” As a woman with a full life and consequently, a full schedule, I worry more that I’m not available enough for dating than “too available/desperate.” If I say I’m busy, I actually am! Because of this confusion, I try to be as clear as I can and say that I AM interested in hanging out, even if we have to schedule something a week in advance. I’ll make the effort to rearrange if I can, but dating isn’t my only priority in life…
I’m curious to hear what others say about this! Do you say you’re busy when you’re not? Men, how do you pursue when a woman has a full schedule? Is that an attractive quality in the could-be-the-girl-of-your-dreams or a frustration?
I’d say scheduling things out ahead of time is probably your best bet, Emily. Because while a man might like to pursue you (and you might enjoy being pursued), there’s going to be some frustration if he can never catch you because you’re too busy. If you’re willing to rearrange things as you’re able though, I doubt that’s a problem.
Here’s my take on a person with a busy schedule: it doesn’t matter. If I’m attracted to you and want to spend time with you, I’m not going to give up pursuing you because it takes some effort. On the other hand, even if your schedule is wide open, it makes no difference to me if I have little interest in getting to know you.
Emily, at a certain point, if you are too busy to date, you have to ask yourself if you are too busy, period. I got to the point where I had to step back from some of the things I was doing with my church because I realized that even though I wasn’t currently dating anyone at the time, I wouldn’t have time to if I did meet someone I was interested in.
If I feel like I am on the bottom of a girl’s priority list I move on. Its a matter of self respect. I’m not interested in girls who are only interested in a relationship when it’s convenient. But on the other hand, if you tell me that you’ll try to change your schedule for me, that’s a green-light. Because frankly, I’m busy too, and if I’m the one doing all the flexing I start feeling exploited.
I learned this one the hard way. I did all of the pursuing at the beginning of the relationship thinking that maybe if I made the first move, then he would man up and would be romantic, lead us spiritually etc. It didn’t happen and now I find myself super frustrated in the relationship and am thinking of ending it if he does not start stepping it up. It is difficult to be the woman in the relationship and I certainly don’t need to be the man as well! I have learned a lot though. I know now I want a strong, Godly man who is going to want to be with me for who I am. Throughout the course of the relationship I pretty much had to beg my boyfriend to spend time with me because he was so busy and now I see how wrong that is. I will certainly make myself available to a man I am interested in, but in terms of pursing, I think it is best for him to do it!
Laura, thanks for sharing your story. It’s helpful. I’ve talked to so many guys who say, “Don’t start by chasing a man or you’ll be chasing him your whole life!”
I just finished reading a book call The Surrendered Single by Laura Doyle. I highly recommend it. It is not a christian book but the principles it outlines are totally within biblical standards. It talks about the differences between men and women and that is what drives argument about who should pursue who. As a woman living in this day and age and culture we are used to be strong and forceful in our work lives, even being leaders among friends and in the church but God commands women to submit to their husbands. This books takes that principle further saying that women should surrender and receive what a man has to offer during a dating relationship. It allows for the man to step up and the right guy will appreciate and love the respect you have for him and want to make you happy, which hopefully means marriage at the end of a successful courtship.
As a christian woman who is honouring my desire for a godly marriage I cannot recommend this book enough.
Just found your blog via my friend’s FB post…love it…
So, I have an example for you! I met my boyfriend – God willing, soon-to-be fiance – in January, at a friend game night I hosted (with intentions of setting other people up, along with two co-conspirator girlfriends of mine). Somehow, I got into a conversation with my friend who said she’d dated him and he was “weird.” I took her at her word and thought nothing of him after that, even when we had two more monthly dinners in the following months…why would I be interested in someone my trusted friend called weird??? But, at the last dinner, on the last day of April – I had almost not gone due to a coworker’s birthday party being that day, but I skipped the birthday – something hit me as we were talking. He was everything I’d always been looking for! Yet, I couldn’t mesh that with the knowledge that my friend had dated him and called him weird. As I drove home, he was on my mind the entire time. I had felt convicted by God, a couple of years back, to finish reading straight through the Bible…so, that night, even though I’d started a new Bible plan, I finished those last nagging chapters from Revelation that I hadn’t finished last December…just in case. The next day, at church, he was still there, stronger than anyone had ever been. I prayed a lot that day, and was completely convinced God was clearly telling me – God rarely has spoken a word of truth to so directly to my heart, so this wasn’t an everyday occurrence – that I was going to marry him! But wait…wasn’t he weird??? I called the host of the dinner party from that night before and she let me know it had been a mix-up, a misunderstanding on my part – our other friend had dated a different guy, not my (now) boyfriend! So, I realized I really wanted to see him again, and soon!!! So I sent out a FB invite to several people to go rock climbing and – yay! – he accepted. Turns out, that next weekend was my birthday, too. So, as we were hiking around finding a spot, he casually mentioned it was also his birthday…on that very same day…and I learned we were exactly a year apart, to the day! I didn’t take that as a confirmation from God, but a really cool part of what I believed was our unfolding story. (I was really trying to rest in the promise I believe God gave me, and have peace in knowing it was going to work out, but to let God make the details of that come together.) My BF was secretly hoping I’d invited him to climb with my friends and I again, but thought he didn’t have a chance with me, he later told me…ha ha. Little did he know… So, yes, I invited him the next week, and a few weeks after that. We went on a camping trip together which was when he says he really first thought I maybe liked him. :) After that, we went climbing again together a few times, and, finally, maybe three weeks later, as we was dropping me off…I mentioned we could hang out and watch a movie, if he wanted. Apparently that struck a chord, so, when that happened a second time, he brought up what “we” were “doing,” what we wanted, whether it was friendship or something more…which was hard for me to say, because I still didn’t realize that he felt the same…maybe I should have realized just by the fact he was asking…and two days later we talked more about it and were dating. That was two months ago, and, this weekend, we’re driving to my parents’ house so he can ask my dad’s permission to marry me! It has been fast, but it’s been very confirmed by God and we are both very sure. We’re also 29 and 30, so hopefully old enough to be making an immature decision. :) We’ve already met each other’s parents and our friends and family all confirm they support us.
So, to answer your question, I don’t think I pursued, but I definitely made myself available and, yes, I “knew” before he did…before we even had a first date! That’s an amazing God for you!