Photo Credit: Claire A1980, Creative Commons
I was a young teenager the first time I heard the passage read at a wedding rehearsal dinner.
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
1 Peter 3:3-4
“You are that woman,” the speaker told the bride
And it wasn’t hard to tell she was right. I remember thinking, even the way she sat in her chair, the way she lifted her glass to her mouth, the way she turned to her soon-to-be husband and brushed her lips against his face. Everything about this woman was gentle and quiet.Those images have stayed in my consciousness since then, and they’ve collected a thousand others to go with them.
And as they’ve gathered, they’ve collaborated, even ganged up on me at moments, trying to convince me that I was somehow not a good “Christian Woman,” or that God loved me less because I wasn’t particularly gentle or quiet. I would watch other women from a distance, the way they barely made a noise as they walked, the way they so carefully linked words together as they spoke so everyone around them felt cherished and honored, they way they were kind even when someone offended them.
And I would feel this deep insecurity rise up
—this horrible growing anger at a God who wanted me to be gentle and quiet, but had made me fast, loud, passionate, a little rough around the edges at times.
I let this anger drive me away from God for a long time, telling myself that either he didn’t exist, or I didn’t want anything to do with him if He was the kind of God who played tricks on his victims, Lording his power over us until we drowned in our own powerlessness and guilt. But even in my distance from God I wanted what Peter was talking about in that passage. I hated myself for wanting it, but I wanted it.
Why am I not gentle?
Why am I not quiet?
Why am I so unkind?
Then there was a period of time where I resolved to come become that woman.
I had come back into relationship with God only a short time earlier, and part of that, I decided, meant being the “woman” He wanted me to be. With his strength, I could do it. I was convinced. So I gave it my best shot, tried to quiet my rambunctious spirit, or slow the speed of my ideas.
I tried to silence my opinions before they came out in the wrong way.
But it didn’t work. Instead, I disappeared into my efforts, letting insecurity take me by the throat and steal my voice. I was gentle and quiet on the outside, but on the inside I was full of fire and noise and pent up anger about my situation. If God loved me, why didn’t he want me to be myself? And if there was a way to become more gentle and quiet, why was he hiding it from me?
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more uncomfortable, I got married.
There are so many wonderful things about marriage, it’s difficult to add them up. I could make a list, but that list would be inadequate. It would just be words, and words would fall so short of the beautiful struggle I enjoy with my husband.
But if marriage doesn’t wake up your insecurity, make it scream at you in protest, I imagine nothing will.
I wish I could say that marriage showed me that being gentle and quiet didn’t matter, and that my husband loves me “just the way I am.” But if I said that, I would be lying. In fact, my husband is like a mirror to my dysfunction. I can’t ignore my harshness in marriage, the way I could when I was single, because he shows it to me.
Not with his words, but with the way his face looks when I am harsh with him.
I am loud (literally) when I wake up early in the morning. I make coffee loudly. I close doors loudly. All while he is trying to sleep in. It’s hard to ignore the truth about yourself when you live with another person.
In marriage I’ve tried all of my old strategies to escape the shame of my shortcomings — hiding from God, first, and then coming home, trying to pretend I’m exactly like him. I’ve felt angry for expectations like gentle and quiet, ones that feel impossible to meet, and I’ve also felt desperate, for Him to help me be a woman who reflects the very nature of Him.
I’ve given up. Again and again and again.
It is there, in those moments when I give up, that God whispers to me the one thing that quiets my shame. You are not an accident, daughter. You are a purposeful and beautiful reflection of My personality and light. And it is there, in the fullness of His love, the pressure is off. I realize I am more gentle and quiet today than I have ever been, and that He is teaching me what it means to be kind, not as much with His words as with his extravagant provision and love.
He’s not mad at me, even when I fail to be gentle and quiet, but he is flushing out the grit and grime over time, humbling me as I do life with Him.
And for now, that’s enough.
Question: Are you a gentle and quiet woman? Do you know someone who is? To reply, click HERE.
I honestly think too many evangelicals use that passage as a patriarchal and legalistic tool to make women shut up and stay in the kitchen. Evangelicals have a weird habit of preaching grace and practicing legalism at the same time.
BTW, have you read “A Year of Biblical Womanhood” yet? You should!
Travis — I haven’t had a chance to read Rachel’s book yet. I’ve heard good things, though. Thanks for the suggestion!
I don’t disagree with you about the tendency of “evangelicals” to use scripture as a tool of control, but the more I wrestle with it, the more I realize, most people who who choose to manipulate scripture in that way aren’t evil, they’re just hurting. They’re acting out of their hurt, which doesn’t make them right, but it gives me compassion for them because I am like them in my own way.
The more freedom and healing I gain, the more I am able to pray the same healing and freedom for them.
a ha ha! so I’m not the only one?
Definitely not
I am neither gentle, quiet, or tactful.:) Unfortunately, my struggles run the opposite direction. I am a little too “take it or leave it” and could learn some balance in it being ok to tone down a bit. And in the middle of it all, God says He loves me and created me to be loud, but every now and then a whisper would be great. ha! Great thoughts here!
Hahaha, I love your less-than-quiet-and-tactful self.
ha! and i love you!
Allison — I’m right with you. I’m not sure if you follow my friend Emily Maynard on Twitter but her profile says something like “My heart is softening as my heels become more deadly.” I love that. God is softening my heart and teaching me that sometimes a quiet voice speaks volumes.
ooh! that is good! I will look her up!
This is a great article and the verse is a verse that has been difficult for me to understand as well, but this is before I did some digging, with my Hebrew/Greek study Bible (having a meek, gentle and quiet spirit) is NOT the same as having a meek, gentle, and quiet personality they are TWO different things. Having a meek and gentle SPIRIT is knowing what, when, and how to say things as Christian women. I am a very out-going person this is the way that God made me, but I also as everyone else is commanded to make sure that what come out of my mouth is positive and pure. I can be brilliant and have opinions it is all in how you say things.
Courtney — It’s a good point that the passage is talking about our spirit, and not always our actions, but I think sometimes our actions can be a reflection of the spirit inside of us. We are the only ones who can make that judgement about ourselves, though.
And yes, your point about “how” you say things is so important.
I’ll never be quiet and gentle, that’s my personality, but that doesn’t mean my spirit can’t be in the right times.
Sundi Jo — the biggest realization for me is that my “personality” is not set in stone. That’s an offensive perspective in western culture because we are so focused on the importance of self-discovery and sense of self. But I find that my temperament is often refined by the people around me, and by God’s work in me as I grow up in Him. It’s not a bad thing. I’m not “losing myself.” I’m actually finding myself as I grow and change.
I’m not opposing what you said. There are some things about you (and me) that may never change, and that’s okay. I just think we need to be open to the idea of change, even about something we see as “set in stone” as our personality.
I’m not quiet or gentle either. I’ve spent more time than I know trying to be that woman in that verse and trying to identify what that looks like in real life and each time I’ve failed miserably at doing that. I’m now content that God may not have made me gentle and quiet in the conventional ways, but He loves me as I am anyway. Thanks for that great reminder. God bless you, Ally! Keep writing.
Tara — glad the article was helpful for you. Here’s to letting God do His work in us, and giving up trying to do it ourselves!
I literally just had a long conversation with a wonderfully wise older woman about this very thing. Because she is all of those things–kind, considerate, gentle, godly–while I am brash, graceless, tactless, and oftentimes harsh. Sometimes I think I must be doing something wrong. Other times, I recognize where sometimes lacking in gentleness is okay. But what I wish I understood was how to balance being strong, outspoken, and graceless with reflecting godly characteristics. Vulnerability has never been my strong point and I overcompensate for that by being too much of the other things too often. Thank you for showing that those strong characteristics are not an accident, though.
Marie — I love timely intersections like that! I think God in his kindness sometimes teaches us through repetition. What we call coincidence.
“But what I wish I understood was how to balance being strong, outspoken, and graceless with reflecting godly characteristics.” When you figure this out, let me know
But I have a feeling that what you said about vulnerability is on the right track.
My best friend growing up was that quiet, peaceful, graceful girl. Her gentle self drew people to her like moths to the light, seemingly without any effort on her part. It drove me crazy! Because for every gracious word she uttered, I said something silly, inappropriate, or just something LOUD. During early highschool, I attempted to force myself to be more like her. I tried to be silent in a gathering of girls, shy and demure around the boys. It never lasted more than about 24 hours before my insides spewed out all over the place. I felt so defeated. I’m now 41, and a bit softer around the edges (in every sense!). Now I realize that quiet isn’t so much about volume, but about sureness of spirit. And, by the grace of God, I definitely have more of that than I used to.
Sureness of spirit. What a beautiful way to put it. I agree with you. The older I get, the more of that I get — the less I”m trying to prove myself to people, to protect myself, and the more willing I am to just love people and let God love me. Thank you so much for sharing.
Sureness of spirit…love that.
Thanks for this post, Ally!
Lately I’ve been coming up against a lot of things in my life lately which have been brought up by a new relationship. All of the sudden I am seeing how selfish I am and how often I consider others (not as often as I’d like to think). Alone, I’ve been able to convince myself that I am sweet and gentle and considerate. This is easy to do for short periods of time, but it’s not flying with someone who spends time with me regularly. This post reminds me that all my prayer and beating my head against the wall is making a difference, be it ever so slow.
“He’s not mad at me, even when I fail to be gentle and quiet, but he is flushing out the grit and grime over time, humbling me as I do life with Him.”
I love this.
Cara — thank you for sharing. You are NOT alone. I’m right there with you. Let your circumstances teach you, rather than shame you or frustrate you. You are so dearly loved by God.
I’m so glad this post resonated with you.
I notice how all men are smart enough not to chime in, lest they get themselves in trouble… I think I’ll try to be smart as well, lest I remain single for a looooong time…
Thanks for reading, Georgio.
Wow, the line “But if marriage doesn’t wake up your insecurity, make it scream at you in protest, I imagine nothing will.” is SOOO true. I never knew how insecure I am until getting married 15 months ago. Thanks for your insightful posts.
Skylar — you’re welcome! Thank you for reading, and commenting. It means a lot.
NOT AT ALL! I am loud, not gentle, passionate, determined, speak my mind toooo often, etc, etc.
I have felt the exact same way! I remember looking at Michael asking him why he married me because I was the worst person he could of chosen to be a pastor’s wife.
One of those passionate, loud comments I made:)
Thanks for posting!
Ruthie — I would never have guessed that about you! Well, at least I’m in great company
I think you make a wonderful pastor’s wife, and all kinds of other things — writer, friend, etc. I’m sure Michael thinks that too.
beautiful post! and it really reminds me of both Anne of Green Gables and Jo from Little Women. the way i connected with them because i didn’t “fit.” it has taken a long time to be ok with that.
LIsa — I LOVE those characters, probably because I identify with them too. Thanks for that addition.
Agreed. In first grade my teacher made me sit in the corner for talking too loudly and expressively. I was completely baffled about what I was doing wrong, it’s just the way I communicate! But I think the pieces of my spirit the Lord wants to refine, the ones he wants to be more gentle and quiet, are the ones that perform out of restlessness and insecurity. The ones that need attention, affirmation, and validation, and are constantly buzzing to find it. But the extra expressive parts of me? I’m pretty sure he loves those.
Kelly — I’ve definitely been one of those who “perform out of restlessness and insecurity.” The Lord is working it out of me as I grow up but, I agree, there’s a difference.
And I’m pretty sure God loves our personality, too!
Great post, Ally! Looking at the gentle and quiet women, I too have found myself confused at how I was “overlooked” in that department. Being outspoken and bold, I have yearned for those qualities. As my walk grows, I have a different perspective and appreciativeness on what He’s given me. In certain situations or conversations, I can hear Him whisper for me to be still and rest. Knowing He didn’t give this gift on accident, I ask Him to help me use it properly so that it can aid to growing His kingdom and glorifying His name.
I found this a year or so ago, and I just love it and wanted to share:
“God made you in such a way that when the people of the world are sitting, you’ll be standing. When the world is standing, you will stand out. When the world stands out, you will be outstanding. When the world dares to be outstanding, you will be the standard.” – Unknown
I trust that He will continue to soften you and refine you – all for His glory! Keep shining
Melanie — thanks for sharing! Glad to know you’re with me on the journey. Appreciate your words.
Oh I am not quiet. I am hardly gentle. I knew from a long time. I was always the one with the harsh truth. After meeting James though, my voice (tone) is softer. I now say please and thank you waaaay more. I know it’s God’s plan. God is making me a women. His women with his ways.
Cody — isn’t it so strange how men soften us? I would have thought it would be the other way around, like I would have to be “stronger” or more bold to stand up to my husband. But I’m finding that’s not the case. I love how God is using my husband to humble me and slow me down.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Great post, Allison. Love the wisdom you keep bringing to the conversations the Church is experiencing right now.
Thanks for reading, Sarah. And for commenting. I loved your post yesterday about sharing the truth versus living it (living love). Your voice is shaping me and mine, too. Keep it up.
Oh mercy. Me, too. I’ve longed to be THAT woman-but then I remember that God makes all things beautiful in their time, and maybe I already am.
Courtney — YES! And only as it settles in how beautiful he thinks I am do I become more and more beautiful in Him. It’s a strange thing, what God’s love does.
Andy and I laugh all the time about how I NOT gentle and quiet I am, but it’s true that I am much kinder and softer even after just 5 years of marriage. It’s all about the position of the heart. “I realize I am more gentle and quiet today than I have ever been, and that He is teaching me what it means to be kind, not as much with His words as with his extravagant provision and love.” So right on.
Megan — I love that you said it’s all about the position of the heart. I think that is so true. Some of the boldest women I know are gentle in spirit and heart.
Thank you for reading and sharing!
I struggled with God over the opposite for a long time. Not speaking up enough and being too quiet when I needed to stand up for myself. There are two sides for that “personality” kind of growth and maturity:) I think we all appreciate balance in our interactions. People, or spouses, that won’t be too hard on us in their tone and responses, but also people that will be secure enough to be assertive and open. So God helps us too shy types too.
Vero — that is so true, and so important to hear! Thank you for sharing your side of the coin. I pray courage over you as God challenges you to step out and share your voice.
Blessings to you, and many thanks for speaking up.
This is absolutely beautiful. It’s so, deeply good to be reminded that God really knew us before He made us- we aren’t a mistake, and we don’t have to become better all on our own.
AMEN!!!
Thank you for being so open and honest, Allison. I’m not quiet and gentle either! And this expectation that I should be mild and meek also caused me to turn from God all these years. I’m so thankful for your blog! It makes me feel less alone and capable to do life with God. Also, I read your e-book and found it so helpful and encouraging. For the first time I’m dating a Christian man, who intends to wait until marriage. As silly as it sounds now, I wouldn’t have understood that or been able to date him if I hadn’t read your book! Thanks, Allison!
I have a similar narrative to yours: I quieted myself thinking it was the “godly” and “right” thing to do. In doing so, I nearly lost my ministry, my marriage, my soul. Not exaggerating.
I came back to when I had a supernatural dream in which I was acting like myself–my free-spirited, funny, bold self!–and Jesus was there delighting in me. It was one of the most provocative shifts in my faith and my life. I woke up stronger, bolder, less afraid.
In the year and a half since the dream, I’ve seen the literal restoration of my ministry, my marriage and my soul.
The lesson here is not to take one passage from the Bible and prescribe it to all womankind. It’s unhealthy and naive to do so. It creates churchy clones instead of unique creations of God, made for such a time as this.
Thanks for this post.
Hi Ally,
I know exactly what you mean.
I used to be, and at times still am quite opinionated, loud and brash. A few months ago I read that same verse about the “unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit”. I wanted to be like that, so I tried it.
It felt awkward and so unlike me. I tried and tried then I gave up. I was like “Hey God whats up?”. And He (being awesome) lightly spoke and I got the gist he was telling me “That’s all I wanted, was for you to give up and realize this is something I want for you too, but you had to first realize you can’t do it on your own.”
I started to become more gentle and quiet spirited. Not because I am gentle and quiet spirited but because I started to take upon God’s spirit of being at peace and being kind and gentle. It does feel unnatural at times, but I’ve found that having a quiet spirit and being kind and gentle can actually have a lot more powerful effect when trying to share an opinion or thought with someone.
By loving God he has humbled me and shown me how to be more like Him, and while it is difficult and often times very unnatural feeling, it is so freeing. It seems kind of paradoxical, but by simply loving him he reveals to me the truth and the nature of all these commands that he gives to us. I’ve realized it’s all actually quite simple. Follow the first and greatest commandment “To Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, body and spirit” and everything will flow out of that.
Blessings to you Ally and thank you so much for sharing. You are such an inspiration!
Sincerely,
Jasmine
I love this! God created you boisterous and opinionated, but he balanced you out with intelligence, grace, and a love for articulation. You inspire thoughts, conversation, and action. It’s impossible not to love you!
Hi Allison, I stumbled upon this article through different clicks on the internet and I am so blessed by your post. Everything (up to the being married part) is EXACTLY on the dot to how I’m feeling. This might sound weird but I’m so happy that I am not the only girl who is loud and energetic yet tries sooo hard to be that “gentle woman of God” I have tried so many times create this “gentle” temperament that was doing me more harm than good. Thanks so much for writing this and for being so honest. I appreciate you, and I know God is doing wonderful, WONDERFUL, things in your life!! xoxo