I don’t know about you, but for me, “high maintenance” is about the worst insult you can give me. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about the image that comes up when you say those words that just makes me want to gauge my eyeballs out.
I’m thinking How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days…
That’s what I’m thinking when I think high maintenance.
Lately I’ve been wondering if, in my effort to be, well, not that, I’ve let the pendulum swing too far, to the other end of the spectrum. Especially when I was dating. I liked to play the “don’t act too interested, don’t-call-too-much, don’t-let-your-cards-show” game. And now, looking back, I realize that it didn’t make me low-maintenance as much as it just made me really confusing.
Even now that I’m married, I think I’ve carried some of these habits over with my husband. It shows up in different but similar ways.
Like not asking for help when I need it, not admitting that I’m wrong.
Like my tendency to arrange my life so that I don’t have to depend on him for anything.
I can’t tell you how many conflicts we have that end with me, blubbering, like an idiot, “I just don’t want to be a burden to you!”
Finally, the other day, he said, “Go ahead. Be a burden to me. I dare you.”
The thing I’m learning is that, when a man loves you, even your most outlandish request doesn’t seem like that big of a burden to him. In fact, I watch my husband come alive when I make requests of him.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating for selfishness, or saying you should be a spoiled brat.
I wasn’t raised to think I was a princess and I’m not a fan of the “buy-me-a-pony-or-else” kind of attitude.
But here’s the hard truth about relationships. They take maintenance. Believe it or not, you take work to maintain. You do. So does your significant other. And if you try to be too low-maintenance, one of two things will happen.
The first option is that you’ll grow resentful. You’ll pour everything you have into what you’re building — because that’s what relationships take, all of your resources, your assets, your energy, your time — and you’ll get nothing in return, because you didn’t ask for it.
You’ll burn out. You’ll feel tired and angry and resentful.
Or, you won’t feel any of those things, but your relationship will wither and die.
You won’t invest anything (after all, why should you? You’re not getting anything in return) and your relationship won’t flourish, won’t deepen, won’t grow. Relationships don’t maintain themselves. They take maintenance to grow.
Either way, when you pretend like you don’t have real, practical needs (for human touch, respect, love, gentleness, affirmation, etc) those needs don’t get met, and your soul starts to suffer.
What are you so afraid of about needing maintenance anyway?
Are you scared that you aren’t worth it? That you won’t get it? That you’ll be rejected? That you don’t deserve it? The truth is, you don’t.
But that’s the beauty of real love. It gives freely what you don’t deserve when you need it the most. You don’t have to earn it. Can’t, in fact.
Real love delights in giving it to you.
So go ahead. Be more high maintenance. I dare you.
This was SO me. Hindsight is always 20/20! He wanted to be NEEDED. But my independent personality didn’t need him. I wanted him but I didn’t need him. High Maintence used to equal clingy to me. But if I would have thought about it, the bible uses that exact word (cling) when describing what marriage should be. Great post Ally!
Sara — that’s so interesting. I’ve never thought about the connection between “cling” and “clingy” before. Thanks for bringing that up!
As usual my dear – BINGO!!!! Just love being able to read what lessons God’s growing you through – and thankful that there’s someone I can relate to as well. (it’s like you’ve crawled inside my mind and know how I’m thinking and feeling!) I can be quite the independent little cuss in an effort to be the polar opposite of a pony wanting princess – TOTALLY WRONG mentality. I NEED Alex to help me carry my burdens as much as he NEEDS that from me.
I love true love – the way God intended it to be. <3
Thanks Cyndi! I love what you said about me crawling into your mind and heart, too. I think that’s what happens when we’re really honest about our brokenness — we realize that we’re not that much different from everyone around us.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
Great post.
I’m like you one of the biggest insult someone can give me is calling me “high maintenance.” Eventually I came came up with, what I consider to be, a great comeback. “I’m high maintenance, but it’s not my choice.” I realize I’m playing up my disability when it’s not always the best idea, but it totally takes the wind out of someone’s sail.
Sarah, haha, that’s funny. Thanks for your comment.
Real love delights in giving it to you. — this.
Thanks for this post, Ally! 
Thanks Tina!
This is wonderful. I wish I would have read this 5 years ago when I started a cycle of thinking my self worth was caught up in what a boy did or didn’t do for me. It caused an endless amount of pain and doubt. But I have a God who has rescued me and is slowly showing me the truth. And I have a man who pushes me to respect myself and ask for what I need even if it’s scary. Great post Ally!
Brittany — thank you so much for sharing a part of your story. You’re not alone in that. God is rescuing each of us, in our own way. God is showing me the truth, too. It’s a difficult and exciting journey, that’s for sure.
I can soooo relate to this! I have also had to learn the hard way to ask my husband for help. I was trying so hard to be a fully capable independent woman that my husband felt I didn’t need him. One night during a fight about this very issue, he asked “What’s my role? If you don’t need me to do anything, then what’s my role in our marriage?” It really struck me and I have been trying to let him fulfill his role as my helpmate. Although this is extremely hard for me, realizing how it fills him up as he helps me is helping. Good luck!
Chelsea — I have had such similar conversations with my husband! Sounds like we’re not the only ones. Thanks for sharing part of your story. Appreciate your comment.
This is something that took me years to learn.
I was raised in a ‘women need to be seen, not heard, and do try not to be a burden’ society.
Thank goodness my husband is the opposite of that. He wants to be helpful in all he can be helpful, just like I do for him.
Fernanda — I’m so glad that your husband is helping you to heal from that twisted thinking! Thanks for sharing your perspective.
This was a beautiful article! We guys do need to be…well, needed! When a guy loves you, don’t him have to fight to be a part of your world or prevent him from working along side you!
Stephen — thanks for being the only guy to jump in the conversation so far today! Women need to hear from men more often that we’re not a burden to you, that you actually like serving us. Thanks for speaking up today.
This really struck a chord with me. I’ve never been concerned with being high maintenance; people have never described me that way, and I’ve never considered myself in that way. But, I’ve always been afraid of needing anyone. It’s not because I consider myself independent, either, but I strive for it so that I don’t have to burden anyone. I’ve never been in a real relationship, so this doesn’t apply (but still presents its own issues), but I’ve seen it in friendships. If I believe a friend is too busy with her own issues, then the last thing I want to do is burden her with my own. I’m willing to be there for her, but I’m not going to push my own stuff on her.
Kelly, thank you for sharing so honestly. I’m glad this post has you thinking. Learning to trust people, and allowing yourself to need them, is a process (a process that includes forgiving them when they let you down). It’s difficult — but it has made my relationships so much more rewarding.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I recently ended a relationship that was high maintenance for me and I required nothing in return. While this hurt me beyond description, I love what you said about not deserving love. It is so true. God first loved us, and His amazing true love is completely undeserved.
Next time I get into a relationship or date, I’ll remember to require some maintenance. I think sometimes we try not to let people help us because it means we need them.
Jess — 0h yes, I have been there before. Even having the courage to end the relationship (it sounds like it was you who ended it) demonstrates a willingness to need “maintenance.” It’s like, “Hey, this is what I need, and I’m not getting it here, so we need to part ways…”
I’m proud of you for doing that. I know it isn’t easy.
Thanks for sharing.
From one formerly fiercely independent gal to another, thank you so much for this article! 30 years of doing it on my own and rarely letting myself be vulnerable to deep relationships, has made me realize that I have a lot to learn about how to be real with people. I’m so grateful that our loving God is able to melt the walls of a hardened heart and show me that life is so much richer and fuller when you have authentic relationships even if there is the fear that the hurts will also be deeper.
Krisin — I am so thankful for that too. God has used my husband in a BIG way to uncover the ways that I used my independence as a cover-up and was resistant to close relationships. Before I was married, it was way too easy to blame it all on other people (I still try to blame it on my husband, but he knows better
)
Came here from #lifeinhashtags. Dude has a great blogroll. In other words, I really like this. It’s so true. We cannot, and were not meant to live as individuals isolated to do life alone. Great thoughts.
Thanks! Glad you liked it.
Ally, one of my favorite things that my husband Clayton tells me is “I need you.” Though we agreed not to make “to-do” lists for each other, I know how valued he feels when he can do things for me that I could do for myself, but not as well or easily. And he is amazing about leaning on me for emotional support, and valuing me for what I bring …comfort when a dear aunt died in a house fire, when I reach out to the women in his family to connect them to our children, when I nominate him for a board of directors role he might not pursue alone.
Thanks for your reminder how we are allowed to be dependant on each other and serve men in our lives as women and girlfriends and wives.
We linked to this post from 4wordwomen.org last Friday in Friday faves – I know our readers live your voice.
Betsy — that’s awesome. My husband says that one of his favorite memories with me is when we were visiting his parents and getting ready to leave, and I left my suitcase at the top of the stairs for him to carry down. I actually felt a little guilty, because I thought I was being lazy and not pulling my weight. But he loved it.
Thanks for sharing part of your story! And thanks for the links. I really appreciate it.
Beautifully written… thank you for sharing. Truth is, for most of us men, when we really love someone, we actually want them to ask for our help… it’s how we feel validated, the good part of our ego kicks in and its one of the very important, very basic things that makes us feel wanted/needed… in a strange way, we find our worth and value in being that “provider” if you will, for lack of a better word. It does make us feel special. The relationships I’ve been in where the lady made it clear my help was neither asked for, nor required, I was always made to feel “less than”… strangely enough, the few times I was directly asked to do something, by that time I really didn’t even want to bother or take it seriously… bottom line: We love being there to “save the day”… it’s part of being a man…
I really enjoyed this piece, both lighthearted and serious at the same time. Thanks for sharing…
Wow. This post is ME to a T and I’ve been fighting for so long to change the “I don’t need anyone” attitude. I am SO guilty of totally rearranging my life so I don’t need anybody’s help. A huge part of me feels I’m not worth it…and that’s very hard to admit out loud!lol But I know this is killing me because the resentment builds up and it’s the root of the unexplained anger.