Meet Preston Yancey. He is a senior at Baylor University studying Great Texts of the Western Tradition with a focus in medieval monasticism, literature, and theology. He spends time getting lost during long walks on the beach, sneaking into monasteries, and keeping a blog at SeePrestonBlog.
In my twenty-one years, I have been rejected by a number of women. It has never gone well.
Chernobyl had fewer casualties than some of these rejections.
One time a girl took off to her car like an Olympic runner who had been set on fire, while I had barely finished the phrase, “Go out somet—”
Another time a girl simply set our dinner table on fire, overturning a candle, preempting my ability to even broach the question. She could tell I was about to and she was prepared.
(I may have fabricated a few things here. Technically Chernobyl wasn’t as bad as people made it out to be.)
So when Ally was gracious enough to ask me to guest post and inquired if I would consider writing about how women can practically and graciously turn down a guy, my numerous rejection stories and I were more than happy to accommodate.
I feel that I have been blessed with these series of awkward and sometimes tragic scenes of being turned down to turn them back into something useful. A simple word, if you will, on how a man would like to be treated when you’re not interested in him. (Hint: setting something on fire, yourself included, is definitely not something I encourage or recommend as a long term solution.)
Really, it boils down to this: recall the training of kindergarten and learn to use your words.
Women have this fantastic and sometimes terrifying ability to communicate volumes of information with a well-turned phrase or slight tilt of the head. Amongst other women, the translation of these small acts into the paragraphs that they mean is generally smooth and without scribal error.
Men do not think this way. The translations go awry. Frequently. Especially when we’re asking you out.
In this mode, we’re pretty zeroed-in on our target. It’s best that we receive simple, concise directions. Basically, be honest with us. Or honest enough.
If you’re only interested in us as a friend, that’s fine. Say that. And I mean, say that. Tell us directly that you want to only be friends with us. That simple.
If you can’t ever imagine dating us in any context whatsoever, soften the blow by simply saying no. And I mean, say no. Say no and either end the interaction or wait for him to retreat.
- Do not try to soften the blow with a spiritual, existential narrative about the crisis of your being and the state of your soul.
- Do not explain how you feel called to just not date right now, that God is working things out in you.
Why? Because you just told me, as a man of God, that He is going to change your mind one day and I’m going to be the guy who helped make the change. You may laugh, but the first long-term, more than one year relationship I had with a girl was this exact scenario.
So unless that’s true and you see it being with the guy who just asked you out, don’t give away unnecessary details.
Unnecessary details equate to false hope. Without fail.
What you think is being nice is actually kind of mean. Worse, it’s far too often the route taken to avoid what is perceived as awkward.
Want to avoid the awkward situation? You can’t, but you can be a productive member in it.
Use your words, make complete sentences, and kindly say no. If it’s a man who just asked you out, the likelihood is he is either going to shrug it off and the two of you can go on being friends, or he’s going to need some time to recover from putting himself out there and being turned down.
You may have to keep him away from matches to avoid setting himself on fire.
That’s how we work. We’re simple creatures, created first so that once the base was figured out, the real art could begin in Eve. Treat us kindly by communicating frankly.
And stop, please, trying to make yourself feel better.
Why would I even say that?
Because if you’re honest with yourself, the reason you want to explain to the guy why you said no is because you don’t want to feel bad for hurting his feelings. If you really cared about his feelings, you wouldn’t give him an explanation that he has to endure, standing there while you give him a number of reasons why it wouldn’t work or maybe will work in the future when all the poor guy wants to do is move on. Or hit something. Or both.
And you’re not letting him do that.
Resist the urge, at all times, to make it better for him. Because it won’t. At best it will give false hope, at worst it’s patronizing.
There’s nothing worse than the girl you were crushing on trying to make it all right by turning into a version of your mother tending a wound. No thank you. It’s not only humiliating but also probably not what you want to be doing either.
The result is always an uncomfortable, non-consensual, unromantic, several-other-words-that-begin-with-a-negative-prefix exchange of pleasantries and vague descriptions of how nice, funny, or soon to meet the right person the other is. Avoid this at all costs, even if it does means setting yourself on fire to resist the temptation. At that point, all hope is lost.
The blunt, horrible truth is that these moments are awkward. They just are.
As Christians, we don’t make them any better. Having God on speed dial in our vocabulary means that we insert Him into every ordinary, common circumstance in ways that He doesn’t belong. He doesn’t belong in your rejection of a guy, really. And if a guy ever approaches you within the context of God being the one who told him that he should ask you out, and that’s his opening line: run fast, run far.
Because it’s a sign of our inability within the church—and a whole ‘nother post in itself—that we have lost are willingness to let some things just be uncomfortable.
Being rejected or having to reject someone is just that. If we can move beyond our need to make it better and not so painful, we’ll do fine.
It won’t be fun, but no one should have to set themselves on fire.
Use your words; be honest; be direct. Woman up.
Not only will a man appreciate you more for it in the long run but also it’s a mark of a mature, wise woman of faith and integrity.
Now keep your hands away from those matches.
Okay, guys, what do you think? And ladies, anyone else guilty of these offenses?
Hilarious and full of truth. Well done brother. Thank you for writing this.
Max, I agree! Thanks for your honesty Preston.
Coming from you, Max, I take that as pretty high praise. Thank you.
I don’t know, sometimes the truth really makes things ackward.
“You are just too good a guy, I don’t want to lead you astray.”
“I am just so close to you now, you are like my gay friend.”
“I would date you, I like you and all, but I really want to make out with this other guy.”
All three are lines girls told me at some point in my single days.
Ah! Matt, I apologize to you for those crazy reasons (excuses?) on behalf of women everywhere.
I agree with you Preston, especially the part about using God as a reason for rejection. I have received the “God Card” as a rejection. In very specific terms a young lady said that “God told me that you are not ready to date, right now” to which my immediate reaction was confusion as to why God had told her this and neglected to inform me. I would rather that she had just said “no” in that moment then say what she said (I would have loved a “yes”). Ladies the “no” is a perfect rejection response, if he wants more information he can ask the the follow up question of “why?” or he can just walk away. Give us a short, direct response and let us walk away with some of our dignity still intact.
I just want to highlight something you said to make sure all the women read it:
“Ladies the “no” is a perfect rejection response, if he wants more information he can ask the the follow up question of “why?” or he can just walk away.”
Thanks for adding this Mike.
Mike, I have had a very similar thing happened, so I know the pain my brother.
My awkwardness and I handled it a bit differently. I looked at her seriously, asked, “Really?” then added, “OK, hold on.” I closed my eyes and looked deep in thought for a moment, then opened them and said, with all seriousness, “Nope. I just checked with the Holy Spirit and we’re good on this one.”
She excused herself after that.
And what Ally highlighted out of that is EXACTLY right. Thank you for adding it.
Wow ive been convicted of giving excuses after saying no. Thanks this post definitely helps me to see things in a different perspective. Is it weird if I say ” thank you for letting me know but no” type of thing because I always say thank you and I’m not sure if guys see that as ” hope” -.-
Thanks for your post Preston…I couldn’t have said it better. In my opinion, you hit it right on the money. It’s hard to be honest sometimes, but in the long run it is definitely the most beneficial.
I’ll attest (as a woman) that it IS hard to be honest sometimes, but you’re right Shane – honesty is always the most beneficial approach.
This was very helpful Preston thanks! I’m definitely one of those girls who’s like “Oh, I don’t want to hurt his feelings! I can’t just say no, that’s mean!” but i guess I’ve got to just buck and embrace that awkward moment ahead.
Kelsey – it’s hard for me to be straight-forward too. But I guess if we expect guys to “buck up” and ask girls on dates, we have to be willing to “buck up” too, right?
Unfortunately, I am definitely guilty of some of those, but mostly in my younger days.
Now I tend to take the more honest approach and do end up being friends with a lot of the guys I have ‘rejected’. However, the guys I’m most straight forward with also tend to be the guys who come back and try again later. That’s when I resort back to the long explanation in the hopes that it will help the “no” sink-in. Any tips to avoid having to ‘reject’ the same guy more than once? Can I just not be friends with these guys?
I would say that the “friend” boundary can sometimes be more confusing for men than for women – but that’s coming from a woman’s standpoint.
Preston – any advice for rejecting a guy more than once?
I think it’s going to depend on the guy, honestly. I mean, if I get a clear “no” I’m going to take that as a permanent answer. Some might hear that as “not right now” instead.
The only way I can imagine asking a woman out after having been told no before would be if a significant amount of time had passed, and we’d become closer friends than before. But there’d probably have to be some pretty strong signals as well.
This is a situation where the distinction between boys and men is important. Men hear “no” and respect it. Boys here “no” and try to manipulate it. And these aren’t just wimpy, pathetic guys either. These are stereotypical frat bros who think a woman’s right to choose is between lipgloss or lipstick. (That’s not an abortion endorsement, by the way, it’s just for the sake of banter.) So when you’re dealing with a boy, in any form a boy might show up, you have to meet him as a woman. If he keeps asking, you keep saying no. And you know what? You actually don’t owe him an explanation. You don’t owe him anything. You are allowed to let no be no and if he can’t understand that then he’s not the kind of guy you even want in your life as a friend. Do you really want someone who can’t have enough integrity to honor your word being involved in your life? We ruin our chances of stable relationships when we lower the standard of dating to people we really wouldn’t be able to be friends with. If a guy keeps asking, cut the boy off. When you have a tumor, you cut it out, you don’t coddle it. An extreme example, but you have a right to your sanity. Help yourself out, draw a boundary, and agree to not cross it. Leave the boys behind. There are plenty of girls–read, girls, not women–who are willing to put up with them.
wowzers, man. what you just said right there is RIGHT ON. thanks!!
Wow. Good points, Preston! Thanks for sharing. I’ve always been bad at cutting people out of my life (read “feel guilty cutting people out”). I suppose that is something I just need to work on.
Is there a delicate balance between hearing and receiving “no” and being lovingly persistent in the right way? I know at least a few happy couples who have ended up together (think long, happy marriages) even though the woman said “no” at first…
Just wondering if there’s a delicate balance to strike here and how you men go about striking it…
From one bear to another…right on!
I recently had an awkward, “I can’t run fast enough” moment. I do commend her honesty and she did it with ease without being too informative, because I probably wouldn’t have believed any of it. All you hear is “No’ echoing and an explanation just sounds like, “No, no, No, NO, No, NO”.
At least I asked…and I’m happy with that.
Good for you, Bobby!! I really commend your courage. You asked and now you know the answer, which means you’re one step closer to “yes.”
Thanks! This information is being filed in the back of my mind to be brought to the forefront if/when such a situation presents itself. And what you have said goes equally for us as women in dealing with guys as well as for you guys in dealing with us women because reality is…women DO ask guys out. We don’t always just sit and wait for you to ask us. Whether it’s the “proper” way to do things I don’t know but I know it happens.
Here’s a question I have now: What do you do when you know someone has a super big crush on you…everyone knows it…but you’re not interested and they haven’t asked you out? Do you approach them about it and let them know that you know and aren’t interested at all? What if it’s making social situations awkward? Do you have a friend talk to them? Do you allow them to continue to “make a fool of themselves” knowing they are the subject of others conversations? I know what I would prefer happen if I was the one crushing but wondering what others think should happen.
Frankly, I think it’s a level playing field and more women should feel the freedom to ask a guy out. I don’t think it’s at all going against gentlemanly conduct or respect. I can still hold a door for a girl, even if she did the asking out. She can even pay for a meal from time to time! …but that’s a different rant altogether.
As for the crush situation, I have two thoughts. The first is this: you’re not helping him at all by trying to fix it for him. Either he’s going to learn how to man up or he’s not. If he does something that makes you uncomfortable, genuinely uncomfortable, then speak up. Beyond that, I’m hesitant to say you should say something or–saints preserve us!–have a friend do it. Why? One, we’re not kids on the playground playing gossip anymore. Two, and this is the big one, what if you’re wrong? I feel like there are enough syndicated, edited episodes of “Sex and the City” (which gives the most horrific life advice, but is right on this point) and poorly scripted romantic comedies out there to remind us that we’re not always right when it comes to suspecting someone is crushing on us, even if it seems “obvious.” This is especially true if the quorum who has determined that he is a crush is made up exclusively of women. All do respect, you all have a tendency of reinforcing one another with little room for objection.
Preston – I agree that sometimes we misread social cues. That’s an important dynamic to note.
Here’s another thought to add to the mix: Guys, we can’t give you a straight-forward answer unless you ask us a straight-forward question. If you ask me to “grab coffee sometime” that’s fine, but I’m not going to say: “No, I’m not interested in dating you.” I’m just going to grab coffee with you. Once you’ve made your intentions clear, it opens to the door for me to be clear about mine.
Thoughts anyone?
I agree Ally. Though for some of us guys, probably wrongly, it’s sometimes hard to make our intentions clear for one reason or another. I know I’ve been guilty of the “let’s grab coffee” when I really mean “I would like to take you on a date.” But you’re right, us guys shouldn’t expect a clear answer (or a clear reading of the intentions of the girl) until we are clear with ours. As Preston writes – honesty is the way to go.
Though I think Preston raises an interesting point in his comment about women asking men out. I tend to be traditional and think it should be the man who does the pursuing. However, some of us guys are a little quiet (or unwilling to take risks). I would personally think it really cool if a girl said to me, “I would like you to take me to dinner.” Then after the first dinner let me take it from there. But maybe that’s why I’m still single.
Interesting you should ask about women asking men on dates since that is the topic of my post tomorrow. Stay tuned. I’m interested to hear everyone’s thoughts.
“I would personally think it really cool if a girl said to me, ‘I would like you to take me to dinner.’”
I like that Robert, it makes her interest known, while putting the responsibility on the guy to act.
Ally – I’m curious now…and will be waiting to read!
My friends and I have had many conversations about whether coffee is just coffee. We’ve all been hoodwinked by the pseudo-date! I appreciate when a man makes his intentions clear from the start.
I think that coffee is a great way to get to know someone. If you’re a girl and a guy asks you for coffee it’s either because a) he’s interested in you or b) wants your advice on something.
Sometimes I think we get too hung up on what is or isn’t a date. I, for instance, invited a girl over for dinner last week and we had a good time. Was that a date? I don’t know nor do I care. I now know that I’m not interested in her romantically and we both had a good time. Given that it’s been over a week since then and we haven’t talked since, I think it’s fair to say that she’s got the message. I also think it’s fair to say that I can now be friends with her without weirdness (probably).
Then again, maybe I’m the only guy in the world who can ask a girl out for dinner without her thinking it’s a date.
Exactly right, Ally. If a guy hasn’t made his intentions clear, then it’s not a proposal for marriage. Coffee should and really can be just that. As men, it’s our responsibility to take the leap and make it more if that’s what we’re interested in. But if coffee’s just coffee, then there should be no confusion. If you’re on your fourth coffee and the guy still hasn’t broached the thought of it being more, you have two options: you bring it up yourself and risk embarrassment or delight; you ignore it. Agonizing over it does no favors for you and none for him.
Absolutely fair Ally. But I also have no problem asking a girl out for coffee to assess what kind of chemistry I have with her, especially if I have never actually had a significant one on one conversation with her. If I have fun talking over coffee I ask her if she wants to go on a real date sometime. If not, I wish her a nice day and continue on my way. No need to ratchet up expectations by laying all of the cards on the table immediately.
Agreed, Makana. Coffee is a totally fair way to go about getting to know a girl better.
Stephen (above) I cringed when I read your story about having your friend over for dinner, not because you did anything wrong (I don’t know her or your relationship with her) but because I’ve been in a similar position before where I’ve been really confused about a guy’s intentions.
You can’t assume that a girl (or guy) doesn’t have feelings for you until you have asked. And even then you can’t be totally sure. You set the tone in the relationship. The more clear you can be with her, the better.
Hi Ally,
I think I have been challenged in this area to be more clear in future as to my intentions.
The truth was that I didn’t know whether I liked this girl or not and after the dinner I knew that while I could be friends with her I wasn’t interested in her romantically. Maybe I am assuming too much in not talking to her about it.
I am pretty hopeless when it comes to relationships, so talking about these things helps.
-Stephen
I also think in some situations it is appropriate to ask him his intentions. Straight up. Sometimes we know. Sometimes we know what his intentions are and we know we don’t want to go there. In these situations, I think the easiest way to not string him along but also not blow him off as a person is to after a coffee or two, ask: What are your intentions? No mincing words; direct and to the point.
Both times I’ve had to do this we were able to move forward as friends or simply acquaintances rather smoothly. One of those times I even got a phone call from my then college minister saying how respectful he thought my approach was and so forth. At any rate, this sort of idea is still firmly in the vein of being honest… kind, but direct. (Rudeness and tactlessness under the guise of honesty are not okay.)
Thanks! I was just curious what others thought on this…you’ve all expressed what I thought too. It came up in conversation the other day with someone and they thought something should be said. I disagreed…because of the “you just never know” factor! How awkward would that be if you were wrong?!?! Or maybe they DID have a crush but have since moved on….eep!!
I ditto Ally on the need to make your intentions clear. I once had someone ask me out 5 times before they really made it clear it was a date they were looking for…5 times they showed up to the predetermined destination only to find I had invited all our friends to join us. Don’t be passive about it. Be honest & frank about it. We appreciate it and it prevents situations like I have mentioned!!
Yes, yes yes. Boys vs. Men. Men ask a woman on a date, boys play around with activities.
Fist pump!
I was pursuing a courtship-only girl. I told her after work one day I would like to be more than friends. She told me she would get back with me. Two weeks she came to me, and said the answer was no, and didn’t say anything else. We went on with life just as normal.
This was my favorite rejection I’ve received. There wasn’t a reason or an excuse.
Brian – that is so interesting! Any other guys like the simple response, sans explanation?
yes
I kind of said this earlier, but yes.
Being clear when saying no is so important. I once asked a woman out and she said she was busy that night. So I asked her out for a different night. She was busy again. I asked her when she might be available, and she finally said that she wasn’t really going to be available. Only after this final answer (and a few moments of confusion) did it finally dawn on me that she was saying no.
Maybe I’m particularly dense and the first “busy” would have been a clear sign to most guys. Maybe simply having more experience asking women out would have been enough. Either way, a clear “no” would have saved us both the awkward couple of minutes.
John – I think you were right in assuming her “busy” meant “busy.” In fact, I admire you for that.
I think we need to get the message (as women, particularly) that the only way to say “no” is to actually say it. And I actually appreciate the bravery it takes for a man to be persistent until he gets the answer he’s looking for.
I’m grateful that John took “busy” to mean “busy” at first!
It’s annoying when people use “I’m busy” instead of “no thank you!” As a woman with a full life and full schedule, I worry more that I’m not available enough for dating than “too available/desperate.” If I say I’m busy, I actually! Because of this confusion, I try to be as clear as I can and say that I AM interested in hanging out, even if we have to schedule something a week in advance.
I’m curious to hear what others say about this! Do you say you’re busy when you’re not? Men, how do you pursue when a woman has a full schedule? Is that an attractive quality or a frustration?
This whole thing just makes me feel guilty. And probably because I know I’ve done a number of those thing wrong, many times.
I just recently put a friendship on hold with a male friend of mine because we weren’t direct and honest and now we’ve stepped on each other’s toes. We’ve never had great boundaries (which I can only admit now in hindsight) and he went and got engaged-in-a-hurry with a girl I can’t stand. I thought maybe if I just ignored him, remained civil and “adult”, it would all blow over and I would move on. He, on the other hand, had no idea what in the world I was up to or how I felt. (How could he not know?!)
There was a lot of yelling, a lot of ugly words said. I think it made it worse that I felt it was ridiculous that I had to tell him what had happened w/ us. (I know, I know.. I’m a girl. We don’t think the same.)
It was my mistake. I can take my portion of the blame now. It hasn’t been the easiest way to learn things about yourself or relationships.. but.. C’est la vie.
Thanks for the reminder to be honest, Preston!
I love the honesty in your comment, Kate. And trust me – you’re not alone. Learning how to communicate openly and honestly is hard, and it’s a journey. Thanks for sharing with us what you are learning! It resonates with me and I’m sure it does with other women too.
I’ll echo your thanks to Preston for the reminder and the challenge. We needed it!
Great post, Preston! It’s in my nature to want to make things better for others but I learned several years ago that that urge does not apply in dating scenarios. Since then, I’ve avoided a lot of headaches and awkwardness. This even applies to when you’ve gone on a date and decided you’re not interested. I don’t want there to be questions on either side so if I know I’m not feeling it, I let them know.
I love that you are a guy who asks girls out. I wish this wasn’t the exception to the rule in Christian circles but it often seems that way. If I was still in a young adult group, I’d have you give lessons to the guys my age! It does take guts to ask a woman out so I am glad you haven’t let these rejections stop you.
Thanks for your honesty Leigh! I also admire Preston’s boldness.
Christian guys get a reputation for never asking out, but I think their job is sometimes harder than we give them credit for. We reprimand them for never asking out; but we’re also suspicious of guys who ask out too often.
What advice would you give to those guys in your young adult group if you could have them as a captive audience now?
That’s a good question, Ally. I know it can’t be easy to be the Asker but it seemed like the majority of the guys in that group were paralyzed. They would talk about how they wanted to date and get married but never followed through. I don’t think they should ask out every single girl they know but it seemed like they could have asked someone. I guess my advice is not to overthink it. A date is a date, nothing more. If you find someone interesting, then go for it. If at the end of the date you realize you’re not interested, that’s fine. No risk, no reward and all that:)
Preston is right, honesty is the only way to go, and details really aren’t necessary. But I’d like to suggest something more for the particularly brave.
I’ve had it happen more than thrice that a girl would tell me that they weren’t ready to be in a relationship at this stage in their life only to find out 6 months down the line that they had just gotten engaged. The exaggeration here is only slight. In a situation like this, as a guy, I can’t really know for sure if the girl just didn’t want to date me or if this ‘not ready to date’ phase in girls actually passes really quickly. It’s hard to trust women in general when you feel like you are being habitually lied to. So those little ‘its not you, its me’ lies that ‘let him down gently’ can really poison the well, making him think that he is fine but women are crazy. In contrast, the women in my life who have treated me like I would be someone’s husband some day have been honest about my faults. An honest answer with no explanation is better than a white lie, but also be open to the possibility that your honest opinion of him, told gently as a true friend, can be a powerful blessing in his life, and a caring, merciful gift to the future women in his life.
I was in a very similar situation once Makana. Years ago I was having coffee with a friend and she made a statement along the lines of “I just want to be single right now.” Within a year, she was married to a guy from our church. Nice guy, and they make a good couple, but it didn’t exactly make me want to trust her after that.
I will admit that I am incredibly guilty of doing all of those things. As someone who is rather “selective” of who she dates, I’ve found myself in a number of awkward “no, thanks” situations. I certainly understand the need for honesty, and I’m glad you’ve outlined so clearly why it doesn’t help a guy when us girls beat around the bush.
That said, I have certainly spent a sleepless night or two obsessing over rejecting a guy, and have felt incredibly guilty for turning him down and knowingly causing him hurt. This usually happens no matter how I say no.
I do think it’s admirable for guys to have the courage to ask girls out, obviously! I would be lying to say that I am always flattered, though. When I have had male friends ask me out, my reaction is to feel a little angry that he put our friendship on the line because of his feelings. Is there really a way to say that that ISN’T cruel and crushing?!
I truly think this is a fantastic post and agree wholeheartedly that honesty is the best policy, but I hope guys understand WHY we feel the need to do these things. He at least knows what he’s getting himself into in advance. It wouldn’t hurt to have a little sympathy for the girl who is taken by surprise, and unwillingly gets put in an awkward position where she has no choice but to be “mean” and say no (assuming she is not interested, we usually say yes when we are!) It’s hard for us too!
Thanks for this, Robyn! I want guys to hear what you said in your second paragraph:
“I have certainly spent sleepless night or two obsessing over rejecting a guy…”
Guys, know that no matter how bad we are at communicating, we ultimately don’t want to hurt you.
!!!… A girl did NOT set your dinner table on fire. If she did, WOW. talk about avoidance issues.
Anyway, this post was really helpful and eye-opening so thank you!
actually, question: what if you tell a guy that you’re not interested in seeing him anymore after two getting-to-know you dates, and he calls the next day wanting to know why? is that a different situation than saying a simple “no” to a first date? how do you NOT try to make that less of a blow on him? it took enough courage and awkwardness to call and tell him you weren’t interested in any further dates…
not that this happened..
I think the honorable thing to do here is tell him the truth. But don’t feel obligated to tell him on the spot. There is nothing wrong with saying ‘Give me a little while to figure out how to say this well, I’ll email you later.’
I like this suggestion by Makana (this is a trend I’m noticing). I also think there are times when it is equally appropriate to respectfully decline giving any reasons at all, asking him to respect your decision without needing to know why. These instances are probably more rare than not, and it is important that our motivation is as other-oriented as possible. (This is equally true when men are rejecting women.)
Great post.
I’d say that the worst possible response is not a bad excuse but silence. Not knowing where you stand is so frustrating. You don’t know whether to hold out hope or not.
Truth be told there is no good way to be rejected, but there are less painful ways. The least painful way is “sorry but I’m not interested.” Or perhaps “I’m actually a lesbian and if I was going to convert back it’d be with you but that’s not going to happen.”
Silence is bad, but it’s worse when she never answers her phone until finally she picks up and berates you for not being able to take a hint. That way you get wonderful ambiguity for a bit and then you can be belittled and made to feel stupid for pursuing a girl.
What about when the silence goes the other way? When a nice girl accepts a nice date with a nice guy, has a nice time, verbally agrees that it’d be nice to hang out again, and then…nothing.
Guys, is it that hard to send a text or call or just say, “I had a nice time with you, but I don’t think we’d be a good match.”
Silence is a terribly rude form of rejection (though effective, yes), no matter which way it goes.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I think when the nonverbal “no” is clear enough, a man should withdraw his pursuit. Of course, there’s always that hope to wait whether she’ll change her mind, but maybe we (men) should give ourselves and the women a little bit more time.
Thinking about the “should you keep asking even if she says no” question, there’s a lot to consider. I’ve had a handful of experiences with this in a couple of different ways. One time I asked a girl, she said no, but we went on being friends. A few months later, she rather coyly asked if I remembered asking her out. I said yes and she said I should ask again. So there’s a situation where waiting and willing to be friends without necessarily expecting more meant more happened. But the longest relationship I had with a girl, so far, was because I did in fact pursue her. She was unsure about it at first — not about me, but about dating, having not had too many good experiences. So her no was met with my deal: we wouldn’t make it dating, not yet, but we’d hang out together and see. A month later, we were dating and dated for a little over and year and a half. But there are other times when asking again and again is desperate and foolish, when it’s clear that you’re not pursuing her but trying to make a debate case for yourself as to why she should say yes, you’ve just become a used car salesman of yourself. And that’s tragic for both of you. If you want to date her and you think that her no wasn’t a real no, that there is something beneath it, then pursuing from a distance is best. Get creative, be lighthearted and funny about it (the above mentioned girl and I had developed a running joke about how Christian dating was so intense it was like marriage, so before I asked her out fully I made her a cake that said “Will you marry me?” on top of it). But if she says no after that and makes it clear she’s not amused, it’s time to back off. As for girls, you could help us out with the communication. Keeping coy and cheeky for the sake of flirting is on one level kind of hot, on another level torture. Give us a break now and then and drop a good hint or woman up (I’ve made it clear that I think women have a right to choose their dates too) and turn the tables. It can be pretty … “cool” to be in a power play with a strong, independent woman, who wants to be pursued but knows how to make the chase fun. We as Christians have a lot to learn about the fun of dating.
Preston,
Thank you for this post! I have always struggled with saying no and have in fact ended up in horrid situations because of it. Your comments and the follow up conversation is very helpful as I try to navigate this world of relationships!
wow. i really appreciate your honesty. and i must say that i agree with everything you wrote here. now that i stopped to think about all of it… thank you.
SO TRUE!!! Had some pretty painful experiences before with that whole avoiding the simple truth stuff. This might sound weird, but I just got rejected by someone recently that I totally fell hard for, and she gave me the simple truth answer–it really helped. Unfortunately though, I did mention once that I felt led to pursue her. Totally true, really, but if it ever happens again, I think I won’t mention that. Wasn’t trying to use it as “leverage” but it totally could come across that way.
This is a great post. I really wish my girlfriend would have read this… She tried waaaay to many tactics and multiple God cards and phrases like me being “on the backburner FOR NOW” and “I don’t want to martyr you” and “I need to explore God”, and “It’s not you, it’s me” all at the same time. She could have just said, “You started speaking in tongues and I’m a Baptist and don’t believe in that so you’re a threat to me. I can’t deal with that.” It’s taken me 4 months to figure out that me praying in tongues was the only legitimate reason.
My plea to girls: find one sentence to break up with a guy. We won’t puzzle over your million details or anything. Yes, we’ll be crushed, but our hearts will be broken for a lot less time if you don’t give us any hope to try to patch it up with. And remember this: It’s all but impossible to “just be friends” after being in love. That doesn’t work out so well.