Photo Credit: Gwennypics, Creative Commons
I’m also guest posting for Alece Ronzino over at Grit and Glory today about what happens when god doesn’t give you what you ask for. Don’t forget to check out that post as well!
Most of you know I just moved.
It wasn’t just just around the corner kind of move. It was an across-the-country kind of move. And it wasn’t for the first time in awhile, but for the third time in one year. If you couldn’t tell by my use of italics, the whole thing has been a little bit overwhelming.
One of the most difficult things about moving so much is feeling like you don’t have friends.
If you’ve moved a bunch, I’m sure you can relate. It isn’t that you have no friends. There are plenty of people around, and you are friends with them in a surface-deep way. But the long-standing friendships that used to sustain you and reassure you you are known and loved are so far away.
And it’s not easy to start and build new friendships that go as deep as the old ones.
I’ve thought to myself on so many occasions: “I just want like-minded friends.”
Like minded people are awesome. They make us feel good about ourselves because they’re just like us. They give us this unspoken reassurance that it’s okay to be who we are.
I’ve also been thinking lately that my search for “like-minded” friends might be a little bit unhealthy.
I think it might be keeping me stuck.
A few weeks ago I was on the treadmill and caught part of The View. In the past I haven’t watched the show because it tended to raise my blood pressure, all the arguing and sharing (loudly) their differences of opinion. But that day, on the treadmill, I had a new thought. It went something like this: I want friends like that.
I want friends who will disagree with me — vehemently — and still stick around to be my friend.
I want friends who think differently than I do, so I don’t get stuck in my same old ruts.
I want friends who challenge me to think in new ways, or about new ideas.
Like minded people are great, but if all my friends are like-minded I think I’m missing out on something important.
The problem with “like-minded” friends is they don’t require us to think critically about our lives, or to engage conflict in a healthy way. In order to be friends with people who are different than me I have to listen, to learn how to avoid fighting without being pushed around by what everyone else thinks.
Being around people who are different teaches me to have good boundaries.
All of that is much easier said than done, right?
If I’m only friends with people who are exactly like me — oh, heaven help me when life forces me to be in relationship with people who are different. When I have to work with someone or do ministry with someone or just ride the bus with someone who challenges me, argues with me, pushes back on things I say, or simply has different values.
I’m sunk if I haven’t learned to set healthy boundaries in safe, loving friendships with people who are different.
And come to think of it, people are never as “like minded” as we think they are. In fact sometimes I wonder if this term is just a something we’ve invented to make ourselves feel good. Aren’t we all different from one another? Aren’t there are as many differences of opinion as there are humans on this planet?
If I think my friends are totally “like minded”…
I have to wonder how deep and authentic those friendships really are.
Maybe it would be good for me to have some friends who aren’t like-minded, and to admit that many of my friendships are probably already that way.
What do you think? Are your friends like-minded? To reply, click HERE.
Allison,
But, I agreee, we need to understand and experience love at a deeper level. If Jesus tellls us to love our enemies, yet, we seclude ourselves with only those who are like-minded, we shall never have the blessing of loving beyond our own limits.
The only time I have been tempted to throw something at the TV is the few times I watched The View.
Thank you Kandace! I like the words you used: “living beyond our limits.” I think our limits are like rubber bands. The more they’re stretched, the wider they become.
This is so good. Of course I can’t help but notice you moved to Minneapolis, right? That’s where I live
Welcome!
The challenging part about this is that we are socialized to be around those who are similar to us: college educated people are usually friends with other grads etc… However, I’ve found that like you, being friends with those who are different, especially in different seasons of life, is important to me. My mentee who is 15 and the older, sweet, ministry leader at church who is in her 50s can both teach me valuable lessons.
I went through a challenging friend breakup in the fall, the hardest words I tried unsuccessfully not to take to heart were “I just can’t relate to you.” It hurt me on a human level. I wish somehow she would read this post, and realize how we truly are all different and how knowing people different from us is important to our growth as Christians.
I’m so sorry to hear you lost a friend — especially with that explanation. I would have felt so alienated by that. I’ll hope (and pray) with you that she comes to understand the value of friends who are different, as much for her sake as for yours. Friends who are different add so much value to our lives!
Thank you for reading and sharing your story.
I love my friends, for the similarities and the things we can agree on such as faith, unlimited 4g phone plans and how we vow to never call the guy first no matter how much we’re crushing on him. Yet, I have to agree, it is really our differences that make us the best of friends. I think when you can love and respect a person for who they are despite how different they may be, you open the door to new ideas and can really learn to appreciate others and make it easier for them to open up and appreciate you. I feel like I have the perfect friend for everything in my life. Some are artsy, some are scholastic, some are comedians and some are spiritual yet all are different and none are like me. I thank God for that because if we were all the same none of us would be friends… Trust me.
I agree so much with this, Ally! I have struggled with adult friendships a good deal over the years. As much as I don’t want “we’re the same, you and I!!” sorts of friends, I have to admit I can get irritated with the differences often times, too.
This is something for me to always work on. Thanks for the challenge and encouragement!
I hope you guys make some deep, solid friends in your new town! <3
This hit home w/ me! my question is what if your different friends are TO different? ,in respect , what if that relationship is not quite in line w/ your walk w/ GOD? mine was a tough break up, but, after all of our years as best friends when God started convicting my heart & bringing me back to his heart & calling me to really examine my life, it wasn’t pretty, so as time when on things got harder & harder w/ us…language, as in bad,,topics of disagreements that I know God would not want & ultimately came down to making a choice, and I’m sure you know who I chose.; now I was told,that as long as I didn’t try to force my beliefs then-ok, but ,as you can imagine -not good., no huge fight just left it alone-I always, put out an olive branch, but, all I hear is “…you think I’m soulless…”" I understand, the hurt and it was a punch in my gut,but, in the end I gave it to God and stayed on my knees in prayer. , that was almost 6mths ago & I’ll never stop reaching out, but really how far do we accept such differences, as far as ..living your faith… instead of , just saying I’m saved? It can be a very slippery slope. if I compromise my testimony,for wanting to try to please people., I don’t even know if this makes any sense to anyone,but me..I just know when there are to many differences ,we put our relationship w/Christ @ risk & I, suppose I am not willing to do that. I love her ,& always will and will always be here for her, but I have to trust God ,on this , he has put many wonderful, like-minded people in my life, but yet we are different enough, and I am realizing @ this very second I’ve had enough Drama in my life and I thank you,Lord for giving me Peace. We will all ultimately have to deal w/ all kinds of differences in this world, so trust me if your bored and feeling unchallenged, ask God to put people in your life to spice it up,don’t lean to your own understanding-take it from someone who doesn’t miss all the fussing. Thanks for listening and hopefully this will help somebody in a similar place I was . God bless & thanks for the outlet . Feels good& FRUITFUL! PEACE!
I sometimes think the same thing, that persons who are are not like minded would push me beyond my comfort zone. I’ve also come to realise, that if this the only reason for wanting different friends then that’s a bit weak of me, in wanting others to push me to where God wants me to be. We should have all types around us and be iron that sharpens each other .to achieve purpose.
Yes, but we are weak and God knows it , like I said he has put many DIFFERENT people in my life, it’s a pleasure that they are like-minded because we can still agree to disagree, help each other w/ our different points of view, which in God’s divine wisdom helps keep each other on point. I volunteer @ a ministry center in one of the worst parts of our city and I come across so much heartache and sadness and have formed relationships, but ONLY , after prayerful thought,w/ the Holy spirit’s direction, do I proceed on further, I learned the hard way and paid heavily , for thinking I knew better than God.;in turn his rewards for being obedient have been much needed wisdom,joy, good friends and so much more, but one of the best is the pure peace that he promised. I am NO better than anyone else, I’m just a child of God, doing my best to fulfill his command and bring souls to our Lord & Saviour, help people in need , by giving food, an ear to listen, a hand to hold, a shoulder, a hug or anything that may help ease their situation. God put me there and HE pushes me out of my comfort zone,yet into his, so I don’t rely on anyone else to do it for me , I did that for way to long w/ not very good fruits, he picked me up , set my new course-some were ok, with that, some were not , but I can’t worry about whether or not my circle of friends are diverse enough- God determines who , what , when and how ; he gives us the CHOICE to follow his way, which can include different INTERESTS, but he has to be the CORE, for any successful Godly relationship; He is the root,we are the branches, w/out him they will wither. Thanks, again for the stimulating conversation- lively , fun & thought provoking God Bless & Peace