Photo Credit: Anna Norman
I spent a lot of time thinking about marriage when I was single.
First, I was a single girl, which bought me at least an hour each day mulling over the idea of marriage. Second, I was in my late twenties, which mean that I had watched my entire friend group get married, made brand new friends, watched those friends get married, and made new friends again — so I was surrounded by marriage all the time.
Finally, I kept a blog about dating and relationships, which meant I was answering questions that required me to think about the dynamics of dating and marriage.
Regardless of all my mulling, marriage is different than I expected. In a couple of ways.
Over the next week I’ll be posting a list called “fifteen things I believed about marriage before I was married.” Some of them are from me, thoughts that have surfaced in the past nine months since I’ve been married, and a few of them are from my friends — other bloggers and thinkers who are also married, and also have valuable perspective.
I’ll share five each day.
Today, I’ll share four of my own thoughts and one from Emily Wierenga, the author of Chasing Silhouettes: How to Help a Loved One Battling an Eating Disorder, with Dr. Gregory Jantz. For more information about Emily or her book please visit www.emilywierenga.com.
1. If I could get a good husband, I would have a good marriage.
My husband is the best man I’ve ever met — and (surprise surprise) he’s not the perfect husband. You know why? He’s only been at it for about nine months, and this job has a learning curve.
The more I can learn to have as much grace for my husband as I have for myself in the learning process, the better my relationship will be. Good husbands (and good wives) are not handed to you on your wedding day. Good relationships are cultivated, with grace, compassion and gentleness over time.
We teach people how to treat us.
2. Good communicators have good communication.
When Darrell and I did our compatibility assessment in pre-marital counseling, we both scored really high in “communication.” It wasn’t really surprising to us. In fact, I think we felt pretty good about ourselves at that point. “Well,” I can picture us saying, “looks like we won’t have to worry about mis-communicating!”
Um, yeah. No such luck.
We mis-communicate just as much as the next couple. In fact, sometimes i think we’re so attached to the way we say things that we miscommunicate more than other couples. Either way, often when we discover what the other person thought we were saying, we’ll think to ourselves: How did you get that from what I said??
3. Things just work themselves out.
Things don’t just work themselves out. My fears or insecurities, our arguments, hurt feelings, misunderstandings — none of those things just “work themselves out” without intentional, honest conversation.
It’s not easy, but you have to do it. You get out what you put in.
4. Men want sex more than women.
I’m not sure where I got this idea that men are just sex machines, wanting and thinking about sex all day everyday, and that I would just have to get used to having sex more often than I wanted. Regardless where the idea came from, it has threatened to be really dangerous in my marriage.
If men only want sex all the time — why doesn’t my husband want to have sex right now?
Sex drive, I’m learning, has something to do with gender, but not everything. In fact, sexual desire is complex and nuanced. It has to do with mood, self-esteem, and how the relationship functions outside of the bedroom. It’s probably also different from person to person.
5. I could do life on my own (from Emily Wierenga)
Before I got married I thought I could do life on my own. Well, with God, of course, because that’s what good Christians do, but mostly, on my own.
I dated guys because they were fun but my mum always said I’d have a hard time getting married because I couldn’t submit. And, for the first three years of my marriage to Trenton, she was right. It was hard. So hard that I relapsed back into anorexia because I couldn’t get over the fact that my name wasn’t mine anymore and my bedroom wasn’t mine anymore and my body, wasn’t mine anymore.
But the thing that I had missed, in all of this pining for myself, was that I was never my own to begin with. And everything good in my life, including my husband, has been in spite of me, not because of me.
I am not my own. My body has never been my own. My possessions are not my own. God owns it all, and everything I have is a gift—including this love that I share, till death do us part.
So I am learning to submit. To a love so much bigger than me. And it’s so much better than anything I have ever known.
Question: Are you single or married? What are some of your thoughts about marriage? To reply, click HERE.
I’m single. And, actually, I was thinking something along these lines just yesterday. I have this misconception in my mind that when I find the right man and we begin a relationship (and then within marriage) that all my insecurities about my body, the way that I don’t communicate my deep feelings a bunch of the time and random other things will magically fall away and it will be like the movies….However, I know that this isn’t the case. In fact, to be honest, I will probably have to battle those things more within a relationship.
Thanks for the advice. I love your blog by the way!
Sara
Sara — thanks for reading, and I’m glad you like the blog! You’re right in thinking that insecurities do become more pronounced in marriage. You have someone rubbing up against your wounds all the time, which can be uncomfortable.
But the cool thing about marriage is that it does help you deal with insecurity, it just doesn’t do it in the way you might expect (I share this in one of my later lists, stay tuned).
I’m married and have been for 27 years. I know that sounds impressive to some, but it hasn’t been anything like I thought it would be. I thought marriages just happened. Two people said they loved one another and they got married and they lived happily (or at least contentedly) ever after. Unless one of them died, or went out their mind and asked for a divorce.
What I’ve learned is that marriage is hard work if there are only 2 of you in the mix. Years a go my husband looked at me and said, “It doesn’t matter what you want. (long pause). And it doesn’t matter what I want. It only matters what God wants.” And that changed everything. It took our egos out of things and reminded us that we married as 3. God is part of the this marriage and he’s in charge. And it’s a good thing too, because we could have really screwed up a good thing without Him.
Melanie — I thought “marriages just happen” too, and I’m learning that’s not the case. Thanks for sharing your 27-years wisdom with us!
Thank you for being honest and open about your marriage with your readers. Almost all the marriages around me leave me holding my left ring finger high out of anyone’s reach, but your blog is gives me an insider’s look at the realities of what married people struggle with. Granted, you and your husband are not the same as every married couple, but you are an example.
I have been dating my best friend for almost a year and a half. Circumstances before that limited us to close friends for three years. While he is the kindest, funniest, most patient man I have been met, my fear is that I can’t do marriage, that I am not strong enough to love him for a lifetime. Fortunately, God is the one in control, not me!
I really appreciate your blog and am looking forward to the rest of this series!
Marcie — thank you for being honest here and sharing part of your story with us. You’re not the only one who is “holding your ring finger out of anyone’s reach.” I like the way you put that.
I’m glad I can share part of my story and hope that it helps.
Marriage is harder than I thought it would be, but it’s also better. Our generation is so afraid of marriage, and rightfully so, but I wish I could help people see that we’re more scared than we need to be.
Hope you keep reading and commenting. See you around again soon!
I am single… I so badly believe that if I find a good man that I’ll have a good marriage. It’s something I really didn’t think about until I saw that. I’m in the honeymoon phase with a guy right now and I’m worried about that ending. Like there will be a point where I wake up and everything is terrible. We are working really hard on communicating well and stuff like that… I never take for granted that I know exactly what he means
Sounds like you’re in a good place with your boyfriend. Try to take the relationship one step at a time. While you’re in the honeymoon stage, enjoy it, because you won’t feel like that again — but don’t worry too much about what comes next. In my experience, seasons all have purpose, and when we think something is “terrible” it often (NOT ALWAYS, but often) has more to do with our perspective than our circumstance.
I’ve been married to my brown-eyed-handsome-man for 35 years. We got married as “babies”. i was 19, he was 20. Three kids and one son-in-love later, we’re still committed to making our marriage work. That’s what I’ve told all our kids, and anyone else who will listen. Marriage is a commitment…to God and to each other. Yes, there will be days, maybe weeks when it’s that commitment that keeps you right where you are. Sometimes there are days when being single is appealing. However i am married and i choose to stay married to this man, besides I do love him.
Practical thoughts here re: sex… sometimes it will be more of a chore than bliss. i.e. when the stressors of raising kids, financial concerns and life in general happens. Like in life, there are ups and downs.
Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly frustrated with my hubby, I am intentional about looking for the good things about him. It helps change my focus. I started writing little notes on Facebook that spill over to my blog. I call it ” I married a good man”. And then I tell why I am feeling that. It’s good for me and good for our kids to hear.
Now we are in the empty nest time of life and really enjoy it. We’re learning and experiencing the reasons why we were attracted in the first place as we are intentional to spend time together.
He took us to Hawaii this summer…it was amazing. We felt and acted like those teenage kids again…and fyi…the sex was great too. : )
Oh this charming husband of mine is a pastor and usually has these 3 points in his wedding ceremony… 1. commitment 2. communication 3. Christ. Practice all three he tells the couple. It will make a difference.
opps…sorry for the novella.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us!
Very insightful article. I’ve been married going on 23 years and am still learning what works.
It takes some adjustment, doesn’t it? Each new season brings new challenges. Congratulations on 23 years!! That’s an accomplishment.
For the majority of my life I thought I’d stay single (as in a not married aspect) but as my friends have gotten married I can’t help but have a thought here and there. The older I get the more I think “this would be easier if I had a husband” whenever something comes up when I could use some help, no matter what that entails. Sometimes I’m right (I think). Other times the last thing a troubling situation in my life needs is another person involved!
I wish more people would be honest about marriage, like it is hard, at times. It can’t be sunshine and rainbows all the time no matter who you are (right?)
Sarah — I wish that, too. I hope to bring some honesty to the conversation here on my blog. I want to be open about both the difficulty, and the beauty, of marriage. It’s dishonest to leave out either part.
Number 2 made me laugh! It’s so true!! “How did he get THAT from what I said?” One thing I’ve learned is that I have to make a choice to believe the best about my husband. When he says something, I have to tell myself to ignore the voice in my head that is saying, “He doesn’t want what’s best for you, he is being prideful, he’s so stubborn and that’s why he’s not listening to me…” That voice gets louder and louder the longer I choose to listen and believe it.
Marriage is all about choices…I just have to remember that I DO have a choice! A choice to love, a choice to believe the best, a choice to serve, a choice to either enjoy the moment, thanking God that I have someone to live life with, even in the hard times, or to go the “easy” route, drowning in my marriage because of that voice, those lies, the evil one who is trying to conceal the TRUTH.
Tabitha — our miscommunications are so silly sometimes, but we still get so worked up over them. It’s always funny later, but rarely funny in the moment. Sounds like you get that.
Thanks for saying that marriage is about choices. You’re really right. “You do have a choice [to be nice, to forgive, to not get the last word... etc.]!” I’m going to remind myself of that from now on.
One of my misconceptions was that I would be able to do it all. When I was single, my life was well planned out, everything was organized, my living area was always clean, and I generally got done everything I needed/wanted to. I just assumed that would continue when I got married. I have had to do some adjusting on what I need to get done versus all the things I want to get done.
YES!!! If I try to make my house (or my refrigerator) look the way it did before I was married, I would constantly be cleaning, shopping and cooking. Even then, I still wouldn’t keep up.
It takes an adjustment to figure out how to make two people fit into one living space — both of our values, and also our brokenness. But for every one thing I have to “give up” I get so much in return.
It’s so crazy how you are able to express everything Katie and I are feeling. This is the stuff we talk about ALL the time. You have a way of identifying it so clearly. Thank you for this. You guys are awesome!
Thank you, Tony. We really love you guys and we’re SO going to miss being close to you in Florida!!!