Photo Credit: Boone Rodriguez
In case you missed it, I’ve started a list about things I thought about marriage before I was married. I posted the first five HERE. I’m including thoughts of my own, and a few from other married bloggers. Here’s the second part of the list.
Before I got married I thought that…
6. Fighting was bad
Bad relationships have lots of fighting. Good relationships have lots of kissing. Right?
Here’s the deal. Fighting is necessary. A woman I respect told me that before I was married, but I didn’t believe her, probably because I wanted to live in la-la land where my husband and I would never be mad at each other ever. “Fight with your husband,” she told me. “Fighting is how you build unity.” Now, I believe her.
Fighting is good, as long as you fight with ground rules.
7. You’ll never love your husband more than you do on your wedding day.
I heard this from so many people before my wedding day it’s hard to count. “Soak in every moment. You’ll never feel more love for your husband than you do that day.”
Honestly, it scared me a little to think about that as I stood at the altar. I thought: Okay, this is it. This is the most love I’ll ever feel for my husband.
Don’t get me wrong. I felt love for my husband on our wedding day. Everything was fresh and sweet and new. But if this was the most love I would ever feel for my husband, it also made me a little nervous. As I held his hands and looked into his eyes it was like I also thought, “Wait, who are you?”
My love for my husband grows and deepens every day. Each day I wake up and look over at him and have more appreciation, more respect, more love than I did the day before.
8. A good wife looks like _______.
I worked so hard to be a good wife. I approached it kind of like I did school — I was the annoying kid in the front of class always asking questions that didn’t really matter and trying to be the first one to figure out the answers, reading ahead in the text book.
One day, Darrell just looked at me and said: “Stop trying to be such a good wife. I just want you.”
9. My husband just wanted to be happy
In my worst pictures of marriage, I assumed that it would be a constant wrestling match for happiness. I would have my things that made me happy; he would have his. He would make sure he got what he wanted, and I would have to make sure I took care of myself.
Marriage has been a slow waking up to this reality: Wait, you really want me to be happy?
I’ve watched a few football games with my husband, but he’s watched at least double the number of Gilmore Girls episodes with me (shh, don’t tell him I told you). He doesn’t even like frozen yogurt, but we go at least once a week because he knows how much I like it. I mentioned I didn’t love the decor in our house, and a few days later he sent me shopping to buy a few new things.
My husband really wants me to be happy.
10. I wouldn’t get depressed anymore (from Renee Johnson Fisher — Devotional Diva)
Since I struggle with anxiety, I naturally assumed it was related to being single or would stop as soon as I got married to my incredible husband. Wrong. You can be lonely and depressed in marriage too!
It just feels differently and is a constant reminder to make God #1.
Question: Are you married or single? What are some of your thoughts about marriage? To reply, click HERE.
Marriage will enhance, exacerbate our character faults and attributes as will as the other half’s too. Just look at Adam and Eve, they had it made.
That is true.
A couple of lies I believed:
That my husband would fulfil all my needs. I married really young, to someone I had known from age 12. He was my best friend. But not long before we got married he started work as a sound engineer – the hours were round the clock. We didn’t do marriage prep as a result – and I still had all my fairytale notions about marriage. I struggled with this ideal, believing that he would be my everything right from day one – but he had no chance because he basically wasn’t there at all! Poor guy – I gave him a lot of stick over this one… God had to teach me that He will always be the only one who can fulfil all my needs – that I shouldn’t be looking to my husband to do that.
That my husband would ‘complete’ me. All of a sudden everything would be perfect because I had found my soul mate. Yes there are times when it seems that we are completing / complementing one another – we serve the church in some areas together and work brilliantly as a team when we do. It’s great. But it’s also true that opposites attract and there are parts of me that grate on him and vice versa – and some of my interests are the opposite of his – we don’t complete each other in those areas at all! Again, a partner is not there to make us ‘whole’ – we are a whole person whether single or married!
Claire — such good words. Thank you for being brave enough to share part of your story. You’re not the only one who felt like marriage would “complete” you. No matter how many times I was warned, I think there is still a sense of expectancy that comes along with marriage, an expectation that another human being could never possibly meet.
I always thought 6 was true. Coming from divorced parents & lots of other relationships that ended that way in my mind fighting leads to the end of a marriage. It wasn’t until I lived in a community that I learned it’s how you fight that makes a difference, not a fight in itself. It took me a while to engage in a fight and not feel like I was going to destroy everything in my path, although I can do that too.
Sarah — so good. Question for you. What were some of the “ground rules” that you established for fighting while you lived in community? I’m just curious. Thinking of writing a post about it.
We didn’t have clear rules but after you get to know people you know what lines not to cross. Like I said “I’ll go with the majority” for months, just so I wouldn’t cause a fight (they caught on and would make me get involved) We also had “check ins” with an area director who could help us though stuff if we needed (which we did). We use to do this thing called a “fist to five” when it came to a lot of decisions. I can email you more details on that if you want.
I have never married, but was slightly surprised to find that I’d harbored pretty much all your preconceptions at some point in my life.
“One day, Darrell just looked at me and said: ‘Stop trying to be such a good wife. I just want you.’ ” What every wife would like to hear, I’m sure!
Lucie — it’s crazy how these preconceptions sneak up on us, isn’t it? We think we have a realistic perspective of marriage, but then…
It’s humbling, which is a good thing. Marriage is awesome.
#9 is one that always gets me, too. I’m always braced for disagreements or having to fight for myself, but Matt is the one that always steps up and reminds me that he cares for my well-being, and I don’t need to beg. I’m the one that really needs to work on compromising and letting my actions speak louder than merely saying to him, “I want you to be happy.” Marriage is a humbling experience.
Bethany — “Marriage is a humbling experience.” Amen. Sometimes I think about how badly I wanted to marry a “great” man, and now that I have a great man, I sometimes feel inadequate next to his selflessness, servant’s heart, capacity for loving me in spite of my flaws, etc.
My dad always says that, like it or not, most couples deserve each other. I like that. Helps me balance my perspective of myself and my husband.
I’m not sure I believe that fighting is necessary, even for building unity. Maybe my husband & I fight wrong. Unfortunately, we fight all the time. And it’s not bringing us closer together. Ground rules or not, fighting brings out the worst in us.
Denise — I think I would have to better define “fighting” in order to make my point here. I don’t mean screaming and yelling. I mean disagreeing, and disagreeing well. Fighting without ground rules can definitely do more harm than good.