Photo Credit: Boone Rodriguez
In case you missed it, I’ve started a list about things I thought about marriage before I was married. I posted the first five HERE and the second five HERE. I’m including thoughts of my own, and a few from other married bloggers. Here’s the third part of the list.
Before I got married I thought that…
11. Married people forget about their single friends
I was 28-years-old when I got married so I had “lost” a lot of friends to marriage. Now, looking back, I wish I wouldn’t have given up on those friendships so easily. I can see now how marriage demands emotional time and energy, and my friends probably needed more space (especially in their first year) than they did when they were single.
It makes sense why the came “out” with a group less often, and always wanted to hang out at home.
But I also know as a married woman how much I need my single friends. They keep me grounded and give me valuable perspective. I am a better wife, and a better woman, when I have them. It isn’t always easy to maintain those relationships but I wish I would have tried harder.
12. Marriage makes you feel less insecure
Okay, this one is half true. Marriage does help you to get over your insecurities, but it doesn’t do that through constant affirmation, a stroking of ego and fulfillment of all felt needs (at least not my marriage). For me, it has done so by making my insecurities so pronounced that I couldn’t possibly ignore them anymore. It’s like the re-setting of a bone, or a needle in a wound to stitch it up.
It is healing, but it might hurt worse than it did before. It might have to get worse before it gets better.
13. Premarital sex ruins your sex life forever
I wrote the other day that sex before marriage has consequences in marriage, and I stand by that. In fact, I think I’ll write a whole post talking more honestly about how it has impacted me (my husband and I both had sex before of marriage, just not with each other). But the whole “premarital sex will ruin your sex life” advice made my wedding night terrifying.
I was worried our sex life was going to be doomed forever.
Guess what? It wasn’t.
It is more work than I expected it to be, and takes even more communication than I anticipated, but if you’re willing to put in the effort, sex can be really good and still get better and better.
14. Good Christians don’t question their marriages
Everyone says, “when you know, you know” when it comes to your spouse and I had this experience when I met Darrell. But I would be lying if I said there haven’t been moments, during our engagement, and the early weeks of our marriage where I would accidentally wonder: “This is really hard. Harder than I expected. Did I marry the wrong guy?”
Then, the other day I was having a conversation with my friend Nicole and she told me: “I think that’s normal.”
I guess it’s normal to wonder if marriage was a mistake, especially when we live in a culture that tells us God has “one” person out there we’re supposed to marry, and that marriage is all roses and lilies all the time. I’m so much happier when I realize that God doesn’t have one destination (one person, one school, one city, one husband) in mind for me.
He just wants to be with me on my journey.
15. I had to be a Suzie Homemaker (From Elora Nicole)
Before I was married I thought I had to fit into this role of Suzie Homemaker. Not that I don’t appreciate women who actually enjoy home-making in the typical sense, I just feared I’d burn every single dinner and we’d live off of box macaroni and cheese and pigs in the blanket. It wasn’t until after I got married that I realized my husband really loves to cook and I don’t mind cleaning up after him. We faced a few questions at first when family members would ask what I was making for dinner and I would laugh and say, “oh that’s Russ’ job.” A few even corrected me, telling me it was my job as the wife to care for my husband – since “he’s so stressed out when he gets off work he needs to relax.”
We knew what worked best for us. Now, I’m so glad we stuck to our instincts. A few years ago, Russ followed through with a distant dream and completed his education as a French chef. It seems so simple – fitting into the perceptions of society. I just can’t imagine where we would be right now had we convinced ourselves everyone else was right even when we knew it was wrong for us.
Question: What about you? What expectations do you (or did you) have for marriage? Are you married or single?
This one’s my favorite. Thanks, Ally.
I’m so glad. You’re very welcome. Thanks for reading!
Ally,
This is my favorite out of the series thus far. I’m proud of these posts for the transparency in it all. More importantly, for being open about the ups and downs of ‘Christian’ married life.
I’ve been poking married people around the blogging community to be more transparent and I ask the deep stuff (sometimes, okay, most of the time .. personal stuff) because I think it’s important. It’s not because I’m nosy or trying to pry it’s because I think we have sugar coated Christian marriage. When things go wrong or sour in a Christian marriage, the condemnation and judgement start flying. I think it would lessen the blow (on some level) if married couples acknowledge the area in their marriage where they struggle and are open about it so it’s less of a shock later down the road.
Also, this helps lessen my fear of marriage. It keeps my perspective fresh and the fear tends to dissipate.
That’s just observation and my opinion, though.
I think what you and Darrell have is nothing short than amazing. I applaud you both for the beautiful way God has brought both of you together and continues to use your gifts in not just your blog, but in every facet of your lives. Married or not, you both are extremely talented and gifted and definitely an inspiration.
Thank you for everything!
“Also, this helps lessen my fear of marriage. It keeps my perspective fresh and the fear tends to dissipate.”
Julie — this is the best compliment you could have given me. I love being transparent about my marriage, but my biggest fear with speaking the truth is that it will make people more afraid of marriage than they should be. I’m so happy to know that isn’t the case.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Thank you SO MUCH for these posts. What a gift. I’m a single gal in my twenties, doing the whole college thing in Portland, and I know so little about what real marriage is like. We don’t talk about marriage expectations and failures to meet those expectations in the church often (hardly ever), so it is SO REFRESHING to me to have someone write about them, to let me know that there may be days when I wonder if I’ve made the wrong choice (if I ever get married), etc., etc. Thank you for giving a clearer picture of what’s normal, for helping to prepare those coming behind ya.
I really appreciate your honesty, sister! 
Danae — you’re welcome! I’m so glad they were helpful for you.
I’m so glad you wrote this series, Ally. I’m single, have been my entire life thus far and currently have no prospects, BUT that definitely doesn’t mean I don’t think about marriage (and perhaps means I think about it more, haha). Reading honest posts like this one help me remember that in no way will marriage be the end of any of my problems, and also that life doesn’t “start” when I get married. There is beauty in every stage of life.
Brianna — you’re right. There is beauty in every stage in life, and I think that we’re probably happiest when we embrace the beauty of every season, rather than constantly wishing we were living in a different season. At least that’s what I’ve found to be true for me.
I’m so glad you enjoyed the series! Thanks for reading and engaging.
You’re a very encouraging sister. Been reading your writing since your singles blog. Congratulations on your marriage. Please, pleeaase please… do consider writing on premarital sex. To be honest, I’ll be 32 in december and this oldschool true, love waits virgin getting alot of attention from attractive men that don’t know Jesus and all oid this postponement of relationship is starting to seem downright absurd to me. ESPECIALLY considering the stats that most evangelicals fell off this bandwagon. I have ro wonder why I bother…
Kelly — have you seen my e-book? It’s all about why Christian are still (or aren’t) waiting for marriage to have sex. It’s free, and you can get a copy on my website.
I will be writing more about it. I was 28 when I got married and I understand your dilemma more than you know. I will definitely be writing more about it. Hang in there. I do think it’s worth waiting. There’s another post coming soon that explains why.
Thanks for reading and commenting! Glad you find the posts helpful.
I’m getting married on Monday, so I’m really getting a kick out of this week’s posts. At this point I’ve read so many books about marriage and read so many articles that they all start to read together. It seems like there are so many things to remember right now and I know I won’t. I’ll probably be writing a ’15 pieces of advice I wish had sunk in before I got married’ blog post instead 6 months from now
But even in the midst of all of that chaos of getting a wedding going, its really nice doing it with someone who has your back. Its wedding planning has been a trial by fire team building exercise. Every day something goes wrong, some one falls short. Parents do strange things. Having my soon to be wife supporting me has made it so much easier. Single guys don’t often go into marriage looking for emotional support, but even before marriage I’m already seeing that benefit, even if it wasn’t something I was consciously looking for in a relationship.
And @Kelly. I’m almost 30, my fiancee is 31. We’ve waited, but it took a while to find each other. They are out there.
Makana — congratulations on your engagement and soon-to-be marriage! I understand what you’re saying about pre-wedding chaos. Totally get it. It’s normal. It gets better. And you’re in for the ride of your life. I’m so excited for you.
Whatever you do, just have fun. Don’t try too hard to remember everyone’s good advice. Just enjoy your day and your new bride, and your honeymoon, and everything that’s coming. Just have fun and enjoy.
If you don’t remember any other advice, remember that.
Congratulations again and can’t wait to hear back from you in six months
Hi Ally!
I’ve been on your blog almost allday – so addictive!! I love it – and I’m so glad I ran into it!! Your posts and your story is so inspirational and encouraging. I’m single and have been asking God for a husband for a while – but your blog has helped me gain some patience and put things into perspective.
I started blogging in July, so still kind of new to this whole blogging thing – but I’m loving it already and loving the fact I bump into so many new ones like yours! ^_^
Precious
http://www.livingasasacrifice.blogspot.com
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