Photo Credit: apparena, Creative Commons
“I try to be fun and flirty” she told me, “because I know that’s what men want.”
She was explaining why dating had been so frustrating for her, how she felt like no matter what she did, the outcome was still the same, and I understood. She is fun — one of the most fun people I know — and besides that, I saw myself in those words. They might as well have been my words, leaving my mouth years ago and coming back around now, to remind me.
If I could turn around and shout into the past, back to that girl who wanted to be “fun and flirty” so men would like her, too, this is what I would say.
You don’t have to be “fun and flirty” to get a guy to like you.
Sure, maybe guys like girls who are “fun and flirty.” Actually, I know from experience they do. I’ve watched guy after guy fall for girl after girl who was “fun and flirty” while the quiet, introspective, or withdrawn girl — even if she was sweet and beautiful — waited to be noticed, wondered when her time would come.
But there’s a difference between acting “fun and flirty” because you think that’s what a man wants, and becoming the most fun and flirtatious version of yourself because, for the first time in your life, you feel safe and protected.
You can’t pretend. You can’t fake it.
You can try. I’ve watched a hundred girls do it. I have tried to do it myself, if I’m honest, But each time I did, I made a fool of myself — and each time that happened I swore I would “never flirt again,” and dug a hole deeper and deeper into myself.
It’s a sticky dynamic, I would say.
Once you get started, it’s hard to get out.
I would tell myself not to panic. I wasn’t missing a great guy, or a great relationship, because I wasn’t “fun and flirty” enough. A guy worth dating would see me, weather I was “fun and flirty” or not. “Fun and flirty” were not qualities I could muster up. They were a bi-product of something else.
I would have told myself to take a big, deep, breath.
Healing takes time. And you don’t have to be some finished product in order to get married. Marriage isn’t a reward for taking all the right turns or making the right decisions. Not by a long shot. A year, or two (or even ten) into my marriage, there would be days where I didn’t feel very “fun and flirty…”
And my husband would love me anyway.
And yes, I’m more “fun and flirty” now than I was a year ago. Partly because I’m learning (some from myself, some from my husband, and some elsewhere) that I am worthy, I am safe.
I am loved.
But along the way there have been lots of times — when I told him about the abuse in my past, for example — where I was scared and pushed away and sobbed and sobbed, barely able to get a single word out. It wasn’t “fun and flirty,” but he joined me, right there, in the middle of my journey.
And I joined him.
That’s what I would tell myself.
Do you think guys want girls who are “fun and flirty”? Have you tried to be that girl? To reply, Click HERE.
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your experiences in this post! It is so refreshing to read the truth about how relationships are not always a bed of roses, not like the ‘Disney myth’ that so many people are convinced by. As for being ‘fun and flirty’, I see the desire for such pretense as part of a bigger social problem where women are *expected* to behave in such ways, just to please men- with the implication being that we are only validated and accepted through the approval of men. It is a problem of gender inequality. A problem of female identity. A problem where women feel obliged to wear masks to hide their true selves, because we are constantly told we are only worthy if we look and speak and behave in certain ways. I sincerely hope there are men who value women for being true to themselves, and that have the confidence and self-worth to be the individual person God created them to be, not a personality clone the world expects them to be.
Hi, I don`t speak english very well, so I`m going to try hard to write ok.
I’ve always been the kind of girl who tries to be accepted, not only by men but by everyone. It is true that society gives the parameters of behavior, but I think sometimes it is something that goes beyond that. The absence of a parent in childhood can create a feeling of abandonment that makes you want to be accepted by all. This is what happened to me and what has so far struggled.
After reading your post, I realized I want to be the woman that God created, with the personality and character that he wanted to be from the beginning, not the woman that has formed as a result of negative experiences or the experiences that God never wanted to go through.
With the knowledge that the man who is destined to be with me will accept and love me as I am.
Maria, that is a very good point.
I too had an absent parent growing up which has left me with ‘abandonment issues’. I have sought the love and approval of others through every meaningful relationship in my life so far, due to my perceived lack of worth and my deep-rooted desire to be loved and accepted.
Now aged 26 I can reflect upon my experiences, and have learnt that people-pleasing and wearing a mask of being ‘fun and flirty’, or whatever else, is a dangerous and unhealthy way to behave. Relationships have to be built on firm foundations, with truth and integrity. Wearing a mask is not a firm foundation, it is a lie.
God liberates us from this unhealthy mindset, and helps us to grow into the people he intended us to be. If we seek His will in all we do, he will make our paths straight. (Paraphrased from Proverbs 3:6).
Thank you for sharing your insight that we are not defined by our negative experiences, but can be transformed and sanctified by the redeeming power of Christ, if we choose to be.
That’s right! No hubiera podido decirlo mejor
During this morning I was thinking of how the enemy tries to make you believe those lies about yourself, “abandonment issues”, “nobody is going to want you”, “you have to do something to please the rest.” I have seen these lies in the boyfriends I’ve had, all have made me feel less than I am.
Great post, Ally!
I have talked to lots of friends that have tried to change into the type of woman they think the guy they like looks for, and I’ve done it myself, but to no success. I think we forget that people can tell and sense when one is not being genuine, and that is not attractive.
I have to say though, that for me, I have tried to do the opposite of the “fun and flirty” girl. I am loud, outgoing, fun, and have a big personality. I went through a phase last summer where I thought “If only I can be a calm, quiet, mysterious woman like my friends that are getting boyfriends and getting engaged are, it will happen for me.” I actually tried to talk less and keep some opinions and thoughts to myself.
The thing is, that is not the woman God made me into, that is not the type of woman I am ever going to be. I am learning to embrace the woman I am and finding confidence in that, and more importantly, learning to find my worth in Him, not in finding a guy who will like me for a watered down version of myself
Ally,
This ironically ties into the post I wrote today about relationships: http://laurenhardy.com/remembering-the-i-in-relationship/.
I had a similar discussion with a five-year-old the other week. She told me she needed to put makeup on because that’s what her preschool boyfriend liked. She was afraid if she didn’t wear it, he wouldn’t think she was beautiful. I told her she was beautiful just the way she was, and I truly hope she was listening … because it’s true.
We should only worry about living up to who God intended us to be, not pleasing others by presenting a fake version of ourselves.
Thanks for another great post!
So true!
Good post but my experience has been the opposite. In my Christian circle, most of the women I know who are married are really “nice” and quieter than I am. I’ve felt since high school (I’m 26 now) that quiet, less opinionated girls get dates and husbands. I make friends easily and I’m kind but I’ve often thought my outgoing personality is a turn off since I’ve hardly dated and only had one boyfriend. (Not by choice. I was not waiting for the One to come along for sure.) You’re point about just being who you are and not faking is right. Even for the naturally “fun and flirty” type!
I have gone to quite a few weddings these past few years, and I have been friends with so many couples. I think at this point there is no one description of what sort of women men want to marry, at least not among my friends.
Men tend to like women who relate in a way similar to how they relate, which also seems to be what women like. Both sexes are prone to put on a show to attract the other, and both generally fail at it.
You will never be more attractive than when you are fully yourself. The most beautiful people are those who are most able to be themselves.
‘I’ve watched guy after guy fall for girl after girl who was “fun and flirty” while the quiet, introspective, or withdrawn girl — even if she was sweet and beautiful — waited to be noticed, wondered when her time would come.’
I am the quiet, introspective girl, and I really needed to read this today.
Thank you!
Great piece!
I used to have the opposite problem- I am very outgoing and gregarious and often flirted with men because I could. I was in the wrong. As I’ve matured I’ve been careful about what nonverbal messages I am sending to men. After all, 90 percent of our communication is non-verbal. I have been on the other side of it where men have flirted with me and I’ve found out they a) had no interest in dating me or b) had a girlfriend/fiance. Quite hurtful to say the lease. I am pretty convicted on this subject; I basically believe flirting with people who you have no serious interest in dating is deceptive. I don’t want to be that woman. And you’re right, the right man will be interested in my heart- not a facade. It feels so good to be ourselves!
and it looks like I can’t spell, oh boy! *least
Aw, this was a actually nice post. In concept I would like to put in writing like this moreover – taking time and actual effort to make a very wonderful article?- but what can I say?- I procrastinate alot and by no means seem to get some thing accomplished.
mk purses