“Sometimes it feels like love is really close to hate,” she said.
She was a young girl, newly married, talking to me about how often she fought with her husband. “It’s like one minute, I can’t contain these gushy feelings for him and then the next second… I want to punch him in the face.”
I nodded, even though I didn’t fully understand what she meant. I wasn’t married at the time. I wasn’t even dating anyone. Love is close to hate? I thought to myself. Aren’t those two things supposed to be opposite?
That was four years ago and since then, I’ve thought about those words a lot. I’ve thought about them as my dating relationship became more serious, when I met my husband, during our engagement and especially, now that we’re married.
Today, six months into marriage, I get it. I’m not confused anymore.
I understand what she meant.
I love my husband. More than I can explain. But there’s also something about him. Not him like he’s a bad guy or something, just him — the person who knows me the best, who sees me at my worst, who has a first row seat to my brokenness — that gets under my skin.
It’s not a bad thing. In fact, I’m finding that it can actually be a good thing. If I look at it in the right way.
Here’s the way I’m looking at it lately.
I’m starting to wonder if the spectrum of love-to-hate isn’t a straight line like I thought it was, where “love” (as in the gushy feelings I feel for a person) and “hate” (the I-want-to-punch-you feelings) exist on opposite ends of a long, straight line. I’m starting to wonder if the line bends, and love and hate (at opposite ends of the line) are right next to each other, at the top of a circle?
Go with me on this.
I’m starting to wonder if God does this on purpose.
The other day my husband said, “God gave you to me on purpose,” and I asked him why he thought that. He said, “Because, you teach me more than anyone else could ever teach me. That is, if I’m willing to listen.”
I wonder how many things God has tried to teach me through my husband that I’ve completely missed because I wasn’t willing to listen.
What I’m learning through all of this is how to live my life “palms up.”
I got the idea from a book I recently finished called Love Does by Bob Goff. He writes a whole chapter about this approach to life. He says that sometimes we think we’ll get the most out of life with clenched fists, but that when it really comes down to it, clenched fists not only get us into trouble (think about the posture of fighting) they also prevent us from receiving blessing.
My husband and I have decided to intentionally take this posture to life, to our marriage. We’re putting our fists away. That means anytime we start to argue, either one of us can call a truce by saying these two words: Palms up. Then, literally (no, I’m not joking) we have the rest of our conversation with our palms pointed toward the sky.
Go ahead. Try to fight with someone when you’re sitting that way. I dare you.
You won’t be able to do it.
Like Bob Goff suggests, there’s some special connection between the posture of our hearts and the posture of our bodies.
Here’s the thing. I don’t think that this is just marriage advice.
Think about it. In Matthew Jesus gives his Sermon on the Mount and he teaches people, “You have heard it said to love your neighbor and hate your enemy, but I tell you love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you.
A few verses later he finishes with this zinger: “If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?”
What would our life look like if we lived “Palms Up”?
What would happen if we loved our enemies as much as we did our friends? What would happen if we prayed for those who persecuted us? How much would we learn about ourselves, and the heart of God, if we always (even when we were “right”) took the posture of humility?
How quickly would we usher in the Kingdom of Heaven?
What would happen if, when we felt like hating someone, we decided to love instead?
After all, the two are right next to each other. All we have to do is turn around and face the other direction.
Hello Ally –
First off, so glad you’re back! I discovered your old blog about a month before you signed off, and it is a joy to be back and reading your work.
Also, loved this article. I am not married, but I think I am beginning to learn this in relationship too. Even with my roommate we sometimes walk this thin line.
But I thought of an alternate title for you — “Palms Up: Hands Down the Best Thing I’ve Done for my Marriage.” Haha, you know you want to embrace the pun. Let yourself do it.
Haha, thanks for the laugh Scotty. You win the catchy title of the day award. Love it.
Thanks for reading! Good to be back.
I’ve started using this approach when I’m in meetings that could turn ugly. When someone is talking and sharing their vision, I try to flip palms up instead of shaking my fist and telling them why they are wrong.
Slowly but surely, it’s working!
Caitlin, that’s awesome! Did you read Love Does too? Or did you just come up with the idea on your own?
I read Love Does.
In Revelation 3:15 God talks about wishing that we were hot or cold. Every sermon I’ve ever heard has equated this to faith, but I wonder if God didn’t intend for it to apply to a lot more. Being hot or cold, our heart is involved in something. We’re passionate about loving or hating something. The spew-worthy position of lukewarm means we’re completely disengaged from our hearts. This, I think, is the key. God wants our hearts to be active and engaged. It’s easy to make hot water cold or cold water hot, but the water has to be running to even start the process.
So I agree – love and hate are a lot closer than we often think. Honestly, given this revelation knowledge (there’s your pun, Scotty), I’m kind of glad. While it forces us to be on our guard to make sure we don’t swing away from love, it makes it that much easier to swing away from hate.
Great connection to being lukewarm. I love that. Even if we’re facing the wrong direction, at least if we’re fired up, our passion can be re-directed to something positive.
Excellent Ally. Really good.
Thanks Lore.
Great thoughts here. My pastor used to say that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s apathy.
I love the visual of palms up. Awhile back I was challenged to write a sentence prayer and repeat it often throughout my day. My prayer was “Lord, ungrip my hands so I can hold onto Yours.” I love the idea of this applying not only to God, but to other people.
“The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s apathy.” That’s good. Now that you say it, I think I’ve heard it before but had forgotten about it completely.
Thanks for sharing!
I love this idea, Ally. Thank you for sharing so openly about the struggles you and Darrell face – even though we’ve been married for 3 years, Matt and I are learning a lot from you two. <3
Absolutely. I love being friends with you guys.
You’re so right about the connection between our outer and inner posture. So often, especially in heated situations, it seems impossible to just put on the right attitude. But we can will our bodies to assume a certain position, and it does help. At the end of a heated exchange, when the issue seems resolved but we still feel separate and wounded, or when we’re at an impasse, my husband and I join hands and pray.
“When the issue is resolved but we still feel separate and wounded…” What a beautiful way to put it. I have felt exactly what you’re talking about, but had never put those words to it.
And putting your hands together to pray is great advice. Thank you so much for sharing.
Just last night I took my boyfriend’s little sis out to coffee. She is 20 and her and a boy are kind of in the “courting” stages before dating. Two weeks ago she asked me what I wish I would’ve known before dating/what I have learned through it. I took the two weeks to really think about it. One of the biggest things I told her last night was that in past relationships, I’ve wanted to “win” or be “one up” on the other person and how I always found myself in little fights. But with her brother (who I’ve been dating 2.5 years) I quickly saw that I did NOT want to do that, that I wanted be equal with him and do all things in love. This is a GREAT post detailing that further! I love it.
Ashleigh Dean — I love that. That’s really good wisdom that will carry into your marriage. So glad the Lord is teaching you now! Thanks for sharing with us.
I’m SO remembering this for someday, thank you!! Come to think of it… this is probably great for any close relationship.
Hannah — yes, yes. Practice in close relationships now and it will prepare you for marriage!
This sounds awesome. I kept picturing you and Darrell sitting at the kitchen table palms up, having this conversation. In my mind I chuckle, its very funny, but also profound. Can’t wait to try it one some day! I will have to say though I’m very much a hand gestures, mime my thoughts type of person so I think I would really struggle to articulate myself.
It is a really funny visual. Sometimes we laugh at ourselves while we do it.
Also — it’s funny. Sometimes you’ll be sitting there with your palms up, and you’ll want to say something really snide, and your palms will kind of turn down for a minute, just before it comes out of your mouth… it’s amazing how linked the posture is to the direction of the conversation. Really powerful.
Just found your blog today! Great marriage tips!!! So so true! Glad I’m not alone
Charissa — awesome! Glad you’re here! Thanks for the comment.
I’ve always thought I was such a bad wife for doing that flip-flop of “oh my gosh, he’s the greatest thing in the world,” to “holy cow, why does he DO that?!” I’m so relieve to hear that I’m not the only one, and your explanation of those emotions makes so much sense. Thank you for sharing this. I feel set free today, and I know that if I focus on keeping my palms up, I’ll handle those emotions better.
Kelly — that’s awesome. No, you are definitely not alone.
Thanks for sharing!
Goshhhh Ally I love reading your stuff! Your such an amazing write lol … I never knew this was in you! You definitely have a HUGE gift!!! You inspire me!!! I can’t get enough! I want to keep reading!!! Can’t wait to read the rest of them!!! Love you your awesomeeee!!!!! <3
I love this. Loved Bob’s book, and think it is awesome that you are aware of this so early in your marriage. It often takes something major before people understand this. I love your writing, and think this is a great approach to life.
This revelation would save so many relationships… thanks for sharing…
I love this! I’m going to institute a palms-up argument rule in my home!