Photo Credit: hobokengrace, Creative Commons
It was the last day of my senior year of high school and I was about to part ways with a friend who I wouldn’t see again for almost ten years. As we hugged goodbye she said to me: “Ally, in all the years I’ve known you I’ve never known anyone to be angry with you. Not one person.”
Her words were telling.
I was a leader, but a quiet leader, the kind who leads with influence over control, compassion and kindness over intimidation, and loyalty over justice — which all sounds really sweet until you start talking about boundaries. The part of the story you couldn’t have seen, without a better view into the situation, was that no one hated me because I wouldn’t let them.
I’d hate myself before I’d let anyone hate me.
I’d rather be unhappy than disliked.
Fast forward a bunch of years and I have better “boundaries” now than ever. I’ve learned to say no, to talk about my “feelings” and not to commit to things just to make other people proud of me, to keep them happy. At least I thought I had.
Hadn’t I?
So how come, this past week, at STORY, I felt such a well of freedom bubble up when Bob Goff told me that it was okay to quit something. “These things over here” he kept saying, “the ones that give you life and make you the best version of you, keep doing them! But these ones over here,” he would move to another part of the stage, “quit those things.”
Jump the tracks, he kept telling us.
Later, when he signed my copy of Love Does I told him that the most powerful thing that he had done for me, through his book and his message, was give me permission to be who I was. It’s like he was saying, “Who cares who hates you! If they hate you for being who God made you to be, they never really liked you anyway! Forget about them!”
Not everyone needs an excuse to dismiss people, but if you’re like me — addicted to the approval of others, so much that you’ll give up whatever it takes (your car, your couch, your first-born) to get just a second of relief — you do. That’s what an addict does.
I don’t want to be an addict anymore.
Do you need permission, like I did, to just be you? Do you need permission to break free from the expectations of those around you? To disappoint the unrealistic expectations you had for yourself? Do you need permission to do what you love? What energizes you? Do you need permission to jump the tracks?
Let me give it to you.
Here you go. Here it is.
Go do what you want to do. Stop trying to figure out how everyone is going to respond, and just do it. I promise it will feel scary. Your voice will shake. You will feel awkward. People will dislike you. In fact, you will likely watch looks of disappointment fall over the faces of those you love when you tell them that you can’t be responsible for their happiness anymore —
When you tell them you don’t want to be a doctor, or that you’re not going back to school, or that you can’t keep making excuses for their bad behavior. I don’t know your specific story, but I know this: This world needs who you are.
Not the pretend you, the real one.
Question: What stopping you from being the real version of you? Why haven’t you quit?
Welp. This was kinda the most perfect thing ever.
Savannah, that’s awesome. Glad it was helpful for you!
My fears about not being liked/accepted, and about wanting to do the wrong thing hold me back. So often I wonder if what I want is out of God’s will or contrary to it in some way. I need to rest in Him more, I think, so I can better sense where He is leading. (I really liked the tuning fork analogy Bob Goff used in his book.)
Michelle — you’re not alone. I like what you said about not wanting to do the wrong thing. My fear of failure holds me back maybe even more than my desire to be liked… although I feel like the two are probably connected.
The thing stopping me from being the best version of me is……me.
I need to let go of the me that I’ve kept around because I believed God couldn’t make a better me (the one I desire to be) out of me.
Jason. Yes, what a great way to put it. What is it going to take for you to get out of your own way?
“oh you know. just working on worrying more about making myself into who God created me to be instead of wondering what other people think of me. most difficult thing ever. why can’t i just know and be secure in it and never have to think about it again. buh.”
posted this on facebook a couple days ago, so this is perfect. thanks, ally. for being awesome and for not being afraid to write whatever God wants you to.
Jess — wow, sounds like this came at just the right time. Here’s your permission to be you, to make mistakes, to learn along the way. You have it. Now what are you going to do?
I am a people pleaser at heart too. I felt like my everything (happiness, stuff, time, money, relationships, opinions) was always on the line for the sake of someone else. I had thought I was being selfless, offering up whatever I had to make other feel happy or content. While there’s a healthy spirit of that which still lives in me, someone told me once that the best thing you can do for the world is get closer to Christ and make sure your cup is full. My full cup includes proper rest, spiritual health, good relationships, time spent well with things I love, and yes, expressing myself to others even when it’s opposed or awkward. It has taken me awhile to realize I am responsible for other’s happiness-yet by being who I’m meant to be, God will still pour joy into others through that.
Kristin — it’s exhausting to live for other people, isn’t it? And exhausted people are miserable people — not nice people, not encouraging people, not a blessing to anyone else.
Great points. Thank you for speaking up.
Ally, this post just reaffirms everything the God is doing in my life, and everything He has been teaching me. Thanks for being an encouragement through writing.
That’s awesome, Yessenia. It’s a blessing to share my story. Honestly.
As a chronic people-pleaser, I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. thank you!
So glad, Esther!
While I have developed better boundaries over the years, I constantly struggle with the fact that my parents have a different idea of what they want my life to be like (constantly suggesting various career paths, etc., almost trying to live vicariously through me). This is one reason why I’ve moved so far from home, because I don’t want their opinion to always be in the back of my mind influencing me. For example, when I decided to go to a Christian grad school, they hated that idea, and while I still went through with it, I have always felt as though they disapproved. Your words have opened my eyes to the fact that I am still not free from people-pleasing. You have given me permission to be myself and to rest fully in Christ’s unconditional love.
Julia — I can totally relate. It is literally an emotional burden you carry with you everywhere, even if you distance yourself from the people who have unrealistic expectations for you. I’ll say this. The best cure for getting rid of the “baggage” of those expectations is just to take the leap and speak out against them (ex: I can see it’s really important to you that I ______ but I’m not going to do that.) There are no baby steps to get there. Picture yourself on the edge of a cliff over deep water. You just have to jump. Not a little bit at a time. All at once.
Like Bob Goff says, it’s not arrogance. It’s just resolve.
My husband says that whatever you feed lives, and whatever you stave dies. So start starving unrealistic expectations you have for yourself, and the ones other people have for you. Don’t feed them. Not even a little bit, or they’ll keep coming back.
Does that make sense?
Ally, you are so right. I need to rip off the proverbial band-aid, step out in faith, and assert myself in such situations. I like the sentence that you use because it conveys this resolve while being respectful. In our culture, it seems to me that many people, myself included, have been taught to challenge others in an aggressive, often disrespectful way, rather than to be strong in what they believe and live it out in an assertive and bold, though not aggressive, way.
I read Goff’s book, and this particular chapter on quitting stuck with me. I have things that need to be quit, but instead of axing them I’ve been pondering, wondering, and being frustrated as hell. Your post was a kick in the pants.
I wrote a list of the things that need to go AND today is the day. Thanks.
Tyler — that’s awesome! Go do it. Then come back and tell us about it. I’m sure there are other people reading who have things they need to quit, too.
Ally, I wish we could spend more time together in person. I want to know if we’d be the kind of friends who finish each others’ sentences or drive each other crazy because we’re too similar. Today you’re taking parts of my heart and using them to speak to other parts. I needed this right now.
Thank you!
Katie
PS: I’m going to need for the next two hours to pass quickly because I’ve decided what I’m quitting tomorrow. After all, it’s Thursday.
Katie — I wish that, too. I regret that we didn’t get more time to spend together at STORY but the beauty of writing and the Internet is that we can spend time together this way, too!
As soon as you quit your thing, I want to hear about it. I quit Starbucks yesterday (I couldn’t wait for Thursday)
Wow! Congratulations!
Katie
Love Does is such a great book!
I constantly get trapped up in the head game of “What will people think?” But I’m slowly learning that if I live to please God, it really doesn’t matter what other people think.
And that’s really freeing.