I quit my job at Starbucks.
I wasn’t really planning on quitting. It wasn’t like I had been sitting around thinking about how tired I was of working there. In fact, I actually really like my job at Starbucks. I work with really nice people. My job is fun. I make tips and have great benefits. And the best part is that, at the end of the day, I don’t have to bring my work home with me (unless of course you count my free coffee…)
But I had been praying that I would know the right time to transition from part-time writing to full-time writing. I was praying that God would make it really clear to me, so that I wouldn’t have to wonder. And the other day, when I was in the shower, it was like God answered that prayer. It was really clear to me.
It didn’t happen the way I expected it to. I guess I expected a little more fanfare or drama or something. I expected a huge paycheck, or a promise of a bunch of small paychecks coming, or someone promising me that I wouldn’t have to worry about what I would do for health insurance in the next few months.
Instead it was just this feeling in my gut, this settling, this sense of certainty and peace. It was as if I just knew (that I knew that I knew) it was time. I was supposed to quit.
But that didn’t make it easy.
The next day, when I had to tell my manager (and my friends) that I was giving my two weeks notice, I was still worried about how they would respond. I was still sad I wouldn’t see them everyday anymore. I still felt like I was letting people down. My voice still shook when I said the words.
I still had a sudden surge of panic when co-worker said, matter-of-factly,
“Well, if you need to go to the doctor, you better do it now.”
And as I drove home I felt it sink in. Quitters remorse. “Oh no, what if I’ve done something terribly wrong?”
My husband, in his attempt to calm me, told me that it wasn’t that big of a deal; and I figured he was right. He usually is. But I also couldn’t help but think, privately, Not that big of a deal? How do you know? Every decision matters, doesn’t it? What if it is a big deal? How are you supposed to know the “right” thing to do in a given situation? What if it’s a very big deal?
What if I just made a huge mistake?
But just as I was getting carried away I felt this tiny, silent voice deep inside of me say,
“Go ahead, ruin your life. I dare you.”
I’m not sure if it was God, but it certainly seemed like it was. It seemed like it had to be someone who knew me well enough to know that I’m obsessed with making the “right” decision, that I’m terrified to make a “wrong” decision, that I’m always scared of ruining my life. It felt like it had to be God, because it felt like He was challenging me a little, saying:
Seriously? Can you give me a little more credit than that?
I’ve made some bad decisions in my life, and I’ve lived the consequences for them. I drank too much in college, and had the grades to prove it. I had sex before I was married (which was, by the way, not unrelated to the drinking too much) and surprise, surprise, it’s shown up in my marriage. And there was this one haircut in my early twenties that tops the charts for poor life choices.
So far, I haven’t ruined my life.
In fact, God has taken even my worst decisions and used them for his Glory.
I’m tired of living my life dictated by a fear of doing the wrong thing. I’m not going to do it anymore. You can’t ruin your life by choosing the “wrong” college or quitting the “wrong” job at the “wrong” time or moving to the “wrong” state. Can you? I’m still processing this, but if I had to give you my answer now, I would say I think you can’t.
God is bigger than that. Isn’t He?
I’m not saying that there’s no such thing as a wrong decision. Wrong decisions still exist. What I’m saying is that God doesn’t play chicken with us. He is faithful above our bad decisions. He’s not trying to pull the wool over our eyes. He’s not trying to keep the right decisions from us. Our eyes, our ears, our discernment may fail us, but…
If we’re living our lives in honest pursuit of Truth, I believe we’ll find it.
Question: What hard decisions have you had to make lately? How did you know if it was right or wrong? To leave a reply click here