Photo Cred: Simon Howden of FreeDigitalPhotos
It seems like every time I check Facebook, about 10 more “friends” have gotten engaged or married.
I check the list of people having birthdays that day, and inevitably I’ll see a name I don’t recognize. When I click on it, it turns out it’s a girl from high school who’s gotten married and changed her last name.
In college, they had the infamous “Senior Scramble” or “Ring by Spring”, and at least 50% of the girls from my graduating class were sporting a rock on their finger by graduation.
Me? I’m single. And I haven’t been in a relationship since college. In fact, it’s become a part of my identity–somewhere along the way, I became the token single friend. Most of the time, I link it back to my state of unemployment, or this identity crisis I seem to be going through. It usually sounds something like this:
“I don’t want to date because I feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone.”
“I don’t want to bring anyone else into this mess.”
“I want to figure myself out first before dragging someone else into all of this.”
And I know I’m not alone in this line of thinking–in fact, I’ve heard those same words come from some of my friends.
Personally, I think this way for three reasons:
1. I want to know I have my own life, and things going for me before I get involved with someone else. I don’t want to be completely dependent on someone else for my happiness. I need to have it in my life independently.
2. No one these days needs an extra burden in their lives. And even if they wouldn’t think of me as a burden, I tend to think of myself that way.
3. It’s a protective measure out of fear. No one can reject me if I reject them first. Or perhaps more accurately, no one can reject me if I reject myself first. Saying I want to figure myself out sounds mature and noble–it’s a great excuse.
So now that all of that’s out there, here’s what I’m deciding:
I do have something to offer someone. To start with, I have a sense of humor and a mind of my own and a great smile (thanks to nine years of braces–that’s right, NINE years). I am capable of great love for others, and I’m learning to extend grace to myself. I’m discovering new, valuable things about myself all the time.
My life is not a mess. It’s quiet, and I have lots of time to write. A lot of people would envy this stage that my life is in right now. I have every door open to me, and I am constantly weighing and planning and imagining.
Thinking that there is an end point in all of this, that I’m going to reach some time in my life and say, “Ah yes, I finally have myself completely figured out,” is laughable. As cliched as it sounds, discovering oneself is a journey that has no end. How boring would it be to be with someone who has all the answers? I’d prefer someone with whom I can explore.
Whether or not this reframing will someday end up in a relationship, I know I’m better off for thinking this way. I’m open to meeting someone because I refuse to think of myself as a burden or a project anymore. I am, rather, a masterpiece in the making. How corny is that? But seriously.
What are your excuses for not dating? What lies have you told yourself? How can you reframe those into truths?
———————
Allison Rivers is a twenty-something on a quest of redefinition. She’s a southpaw who writes, a softy with an eyebrow piercing, and a daughter of FBI agents. She lives in a suburb of Chicago with her Jack Russell Terrier, Smudge. Check out her blog at http://thegetalifeproject.
Wow, preach sister! I was in this exact state. Those first three reasons you stated were the same reasons I found myself being single and avoiding dating for so long. Those were my reasons for denying the same person for three years. To this day I can’t explain it, but I think once I realized what I was doing is when I finally started to come around and give him a chance. I had put up a wall to all men because I wanted my own life, I didn’t want to be anyone’s burden, and I was scared. Thanks for sharing! So many of us can relate to this.
Yes! Interesting how we bench ourselves before we can be benched. Thank you so much, Michaeleen!
Allison, I believe you have hit on a very destructive concept we women trick ourselves into accepting. “No one can reject me if I reject them first.”
I recently wrote a paper analyzing sexuality and spirituality and came to a similar conclusion about my own journey. When I was in high school, I decided to join the ranks of the “no kiss club” aka I will not kiss until i’m married.
What was passed off for purity, was in actuality a twisted way of protecting myself from the guilt of causing a man to stumble, and the rejection I would receive had I been willing to be kissed.
Rather give off an appearance of purity than of undesirability.
Thank you for your honesty.
Wow, so interesting how these negative concepts uniquely manifest themselves. Thanks so much for sharing your story, Krisi!
That is a really interesting take on the “no kiss club” and perhaps the most honest I’ve heard. So interesting! Thanks for sharing that thought.
Great insight into the single mind Allison! I guess I was the opposite when I was single. I was always looking for someone to hang out with. Always looking for that next opportunity because I figured you never know where it’s going to come from. Even though I’m happily engaged now… I still apply that line of thinking to other areas of my life. For the rest of my life, I will always say that I’ve “settled up” when it comes to my relationship with my fiancee Allyson. But in other areas of my life, professional and otherwise, I’ll never settle. I’ll always be looking for the next big thing.
Allyson and I watched a personality video the other day that I got from WV and it led to some great discussion. We each know who we are, but we’re constantly having the discussion together about figuring each other and ourselves out.
Only having met you once, and talking to you on the phone, I know you know who you are. You are strong and independent. You have your morals and values set in the right direction and you know what you want in life. Even if it doesn’t have a specific name yet.
Graham! Thank you SO MUCH for those kind words! What an encouragement
Sounds like you and Allyson have a beautiful adventure ahead of you. How great that you can explore that together.
Thanks, Graham!
Great thoughts here. I especially resonate with “not wanting to bring someone into my mess”.
But I have 2 kids, so men really do treat me like I would be a burden to have a relationship with.
However, I know it’s not as bad as I think. It’s NEVER as bad as we think.
Great post
“It’s NEVER as bad as we think.” <– I love that. So true!
Such good thoughts, Allison. Thank you for sharing. Love your heart and how you’re challenging yourself to view your life and singleness through a better lens. Reading this made me happy.
I’m so glad! Thanks so much, Tor.
My excuses for dating are on the same line.
I do not want to date or be in a relatonship if I don’t have myself figured out. And I know in my head that I’ll never be “figured out”, but I want a stable job, a stable goal, a stable mission in life before I meet someone- I don’t want a potetial boyfriend to know I have no idea what I’m doing yet.
Whenever I think of being with someone, I always tell myself, “wait, didn’t you want to do this before you were in a relationship?” but in all honesty, its things I can do, while in relationship.
I try to turn these into truths by acknowledging that life is messy, and encouraging myself to take opportunities that only come around once.
Wise truths, Luiza. Thanks for sharing!
Allison, thank you for sharing your heart! This is so encouraging. I have discovered I’m in the exact place – trying to find excuses or “reasons” to not have a relationship because I have so much to work on in my personal life. One thing I continually hear from happily married couples is the importance of finding who you are before you ever invest yourself in a relationship. Or, perhaps more importantly, knowing that your identity is in Christ and not in a boyfriend/girlfriend. This part has always tripped me up, because it causes the person to believe that they aren’t worthy of a relationship or even attention from the opposite sex. I know this too is a lie, but how exactly do you crack the code? Both sides have to be true, right? Anyways, a big THANK YOU! for writing this article.
I think “finding who you are” can be synonymous with just being okay in your own skin and being comfortable with where you are in your life–wherever that may be–rather meaning that you have your life totally figured out. Another person will never make you feel complete and unbroken. Only God can do that, and expecting it from another person puts them in shoes that are just impossible to fill. But we are all worthy of relationships and attention!
A big thank you to you, too, for your thoughtful and kind comment!
Allison, this is such an amazing post. And the thing is, that even for me as a married person, these thoughts still register in my head on some level. The independent streak and the reject-him-before-he-rejects me mentality still happens, even when you’re married, mostly as a process of learning to communicate honestly and authentically with each other. Learning to see yourself AND that other person (whether you’re single, dating or married to him) as God’s “masterpiece in the making” is a daily choice. Thanks for the reminder. You’re a brave girl.
A good reminder that marriage isn’t the magic solution to these kinds of problems. Thanks for your honesty, Bethany!
yikes. i’m now checking my computer’s internet history to doublecheck i didn’t sleep-write this or something – so so spot on for how i think/feel/act. what a wake up call! thank you…. : )
I totally understand the whole Facebook relationships and everyone’s names changing all the time! It’s kind of hilarious how we can know all the details of other ppls lives when we don’t even really know them anymore. It’s easy to get on Facebook and compare our lives, too. I’ve found I just can’t get on FB anymore for long periods of times. It’s too much of a temptation right now to compare my life with others and get jealous.
I totally relate to the lies you’ve told yourself in this article! A lot of the lies I tell myself have to do with deep hurt from past relationships and stuff. I have been healing from these things gradually. In the past, I have put up walls because I did feel like a mess and didn’t want guys involved in that mess. So I have rejected ppl because of that.
However, I think sometimes we beat ourselves up over our insecurities and lies, but ultimately it’s just not time yet. Healing will come. Maturity will come. We can focus on, “If I hadn’t believed this…then…” Or “If this hadn’t of happened…then….” But I believe God is still in control even in the ifs/thens of life. He knew I’d react in certain situations, He knew I’d put up walls. And it doesn’t phase Him. I believe, in some cases, I’ve been protected by my own issues. God has used them, to keep me ready for when the timing is right. He is sovereign, and that is what’s so cool about God!