From Ally: This is a guest post from my husband, @dvest. The other day he was talking about some of the things he wish he knew before he was married, and I thought his insights were really valuable so I wanted to share them with you.
I used to think that when I got married this magical switch would turn off and I would all of a sudden stop thinking that other women were attractive. I had this idealized picture in my mind, that I would be so in love with my wife that the beauty of other women would melt away.
I wish someone would have told me the truth, because this is not the case.
For the first six months of marriage I felt guilty when I would recognize the beauty of another woman. I thought that something was wrong with me. Like a good evangelical I began to guilt myself into a dangerous place of isolation.
Here are six things I wish I would have been told before I was married:
1. You never stop choosing your wife
I am learning that when I chose Ally on our wedding day it was only the first day of choosing her for the rest of my life. I have to make a choice everyday to choose her (usually above myself).
This choice is like a muscle, and the more I choose, the easier it becomes. I am sure that someday it will come like second nature. I was under the impression that after marriage this choice would become like an involuntary muscle reaction, when I am actually learning that it is a voluntary action.
2. Its not wrong to think someone is attractive
In fact when we recognize the beauty of someone else, we are giving glory to the creator. The ability to recognize someone else’s beauty is prophetic vision. With that vision we have the ability to see people the way that the creator sees them. That changes our posture.
The problem is I was not taught how to handle my attraction in a healthy, non-sexual way.
3. Love doesn’t diminish beauty
It actually amplifies it.
I was under the impression that the love for my wife would blur the beauty of other women. What happened instead was that I was able to see her beauty, which began allowing me to see that same beauty in other women.
Love doesn’t blur beauty, it gives us eyes to see beauty in a new ways. If we are not equipped to handle beauty and attraction in a healthy way we have one of two choices: indulging our desires or isolating ourselves from created beauty.
4. The grass always looks greener
All marriages have struggle. In fact, everything worth partaking in has a struggle. It is easy for me to idealize someone outside of my marriage when Ally and I are walking uphill. The reality is, and will always be, that those idealized ideas of someone else will only result in uphill struggles just like my marriage.
The best thing we have done for our marriage was the read Gary Thomas’ Sacred Marriage. When we understand that marriage is ultimately to make us more like Christ, we can learn to embrace the uphill, instead of resent it.
5. I am the only one responsible for my own happiness
Ally is not my enemy. She is not out to get me, even though it feels like it some days. It is really easy to blame someone else for the pain that we feel. When we do this, we are giving them control over our happiness.
Dr. Henry Cloud says that only ten percent of our happiness is dictated by outside circumstances. If that really is that case, then we have a lot more control over our happiness then to allow the actions of another to control us.
Many days I have wanted to make Ally change to avoid pain, when I should have been addressing my own wounds or insecurities.
I have found that when I do this, I like my wife and my life a lot better. The only way to happiness is through.
Are you single? :: Have you believed any of these same things? What other things are you curious about before your marriage? Click here to leave a reply
Are you married? :: You have been doing this longer than me. What other things would you add to my list? Have you found any of these things to be true? Click here to leave a reply
I really love the first point he made about you never stop choosing your wife just as we never stop choosing God.
Thanks Rebekka! Is there anything that you would add to the list?
Such great insights! I would say the inverse is also true for me as a wife. I love how you said that you never stop choosing your wife. Imagine if that were told to every bride and groom… Never stop choosing each other! Profound!
When we had been married about a year, my husband and I attended a Love and Respect Marriage Conference… Then we read the book… Then our marriage was transformed… yes, it was forever changed by Ephesians 5:33. For him, the main transformation came in recognizing that, just because we were different, did not mean that one of us was “wrong”….and then he had to learn/study/practice what love felt like to me. For me, the transformation was in recognizing that I was married to a good-willed man who wasn’t intending to be hurtful with actions that “felt” unloving to me…. and then I had to learn/study/practice what respect felt like to him.
We have counseled many pre-marital couples since then and now encourage couples to make time to find the conference or book from both Love & Respect and Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. Both have been bedrock principles for our less-than-perfect, but pretty darn good marriage:))
Keep choosing each other. It not only gets easier, but it gets better. Hard to imagine, but it’s God’s design and He really does know what is best for us!
Thanks Stacey!
Hey Darrel,
You mention it a couple times but didn’t really elaborate. What do you consider to be a healthy way to handle beauty and attraction?
Maybe I can write an entire post on it, but in the meantime do you have any thoughts about what that could look like?
I really don’t know, I guess. My current process has been to acknowledge it, then do my best to forget about it and ignore it. I’ve been thinking about other responses, but I don’t really know if they are better or worse. This is one of those things I was never really taught how to handle I guess, and I do a poor job of it on my own.
I would be really curious to study why in our culture men have difficulty separating attraction to sexual desire.
That’s a good question. I feel like I do a pretty good job of that piece. My problem centers around being unable to recognize beauty and attraction without getting sucked into a mental loop where I focus on the fact that I’m nearly 30 and alone. Sometimes it’s easy to accept that fact, sometimes it’s not.
I would say most likely because, in our culture, attractiveness/beauty (though I would contend that much of what is purported to be “beautiful” in a woman, by the world’s standards, is really NOT!) is almost ALWAYS sold to the world (with particular emphasis on men and boys) in the form of “sex” or “sexuality” or, at the very least, “sensuality.”
I’ve always thought it was the second glance where “sin” began. It’s the first glance where we can appreciate the beauty of another person; the second glance or lingering glance (stare) is where we start opening the door for lustful thoughts.
The stare is also where we open the door from a smack from our wives…
I had to chuckle at your “closing argument”
I can totally relate to this post; especially 1 and 5. Thank you for being so honest. I thought that I would automatically chose Tony over myself without effort and I certainly couldn’t have imagined during our courtship phase that I would have ever looked at Tony as my enemy, but… I have…many times. Chosing him over myself goes against everything inside of me that has been there protecting me from pain and hurt. ” Many days I have wanted to make Ally change to avoid pain, when I should have been addressing my own wounds or insecurities.” That’s me right there. This is my current struggle and boy, do I need help with this.
I think that it is really important for conversations and community to happen where we can talk about this. When we do we figure out we aren’t crazy.
Thanks for sharing friend!
Love these insights, man. SO encouraging. I wish someone would have told me that too. Thank you for putting it in a way that helps me reframe this.
One of my favorite quotes is this:
“The grass is always greener where you water it.”
I love that quote too. What you feed grows and what you starve dies, is another way I have heard it said also.
Love this. Such strong and powerful words, you’re right we never stop choosing each other in marriage. Especially above ourselves.
Forwarding to Orion right now…
Oh man.. I miss that guy!
This is so good.
Thanks Joe.
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas has by far been the book most often recommended to me in preparation for marriage, and rightly so. I’ve been going through premarital books like mad while I’m in the midst of a long distance engagement, and it has by far been the one that has challenged me (and my fiancee) the most. That said, it is a really intimidating book to read if you aren’t ready to reflect deeply on the challenges of marriage.
For me, that magical period where I was attracted to no women other than my fiancee lasted for about the first half of our engagement. Our 3 month long engagement. Learning to talk out those feelings with my fiancee was intimidating but has become a huge relief in our relationship for both of us. If you feel attracted to someone, you know what to do: talk about it with your significant other. That action has become part of us continuing to choose each other. That kind of transparency feels like a lot of work some days, but the trust it builds and maintains is priceless.
The trust it builds is priceless. Great thoughts Makana.
Great post Darrell. I often talk to young men who need to hear this and be assured and challenged by it. Thanks for putting it so well.
Thanks for the encouragement Dave.
One thing I wish someone would have told me is that it takes more than just me and my husband to make our marriage work. We need our faith community. We need friends outside of our marriage. We may even need professional counseling from time to time. And, while issues within our marriage should be addressed with each other first and foremost, it is also okay {and totally Biblical} to seek outside help, counsel, support and prayer. My marriage would not have survived the past 12 years without the community of others that believes in our commitment and helps hold us to it.
This is really good Keri. I wish someone would have told me that too!
As a single, this post resonated with me slightly. I have no idea about marriage, what it looks like, what it feels like and the thought itself scares me. My parents have been married for 30 years so it’s not their fault I’m afraid of marriage.
I guess my real questions regarding marriage are —
How do you two people who have been individuals their entire life and then ‘become one’ with their spouse after marriage? What does ‘becoming one flesh’ really look like (not joint bank accounts and sharing a bathroom as an example).
What do married folks argue about and how is it resolved?
Does sex really die after marriage? How do you find time to be intimate with each other?
One thing you mentioned above was the fact you *do* struggle. I’d like to see more posts about *where* and *how* you struggle. Not to air your dirty laundry or provide juicy gossip amid a blog and I realize all marriages are different – but any insight as to how Christian marriages struggle would be helpful.
I realize this is personal – so I’m not expecting any of these to be answered, but these are things that I’ve been thinking about for months.
Great insight though.
I can’t speak for Ally and Darrell, but I can speak from my own experience.
I think becoming one can look different for each married couple. It’s a slow process that consists of multiple intentional choices; it doesn’t happen over night, or when you sign the marriage license.
For us, it’s been a merging of passions, desires, dreams, and goals. We’re still individual people, but now we’re sharing goals. My husband’s aspirations have become mine, and I figure out what I can do to get him there. Likewise, he thinks about my goals and how to get us there. Things slowly become “ours” rather than mine/his. Both of want to see each other succeed. Financially, we talk through things, figure out where we want our money to go, where we want to be in a few years, and figure out how to make it happen. We make decisions together. We “sacrifice” temporarily to put us in a better place tomorrow. I think becoming one, means that when we think of “me” and start thinking of “us” in every aspect of life.
We don’t argue a lot, but when we do, our topic are pretty diverse. It can be about family, friends, time management, sex, etc. We try to work through it patiently by speaking what’s on our hearts and mind without attacking each other. We try to understand each other. Sometimes it takes several days to work something out. We pray with each other, we hug each other, we speak gently and respectfully, and we don’t take things personally (at least we try to these things).
Sex is a struggle for us, but we also went in not knowing much. We’re figuring things out. Our biggest problem is that we forget that GOOD communication is the key to everything. For some reason, we isolate sex from communication and think things will just happen naturally, and we’ll figure it out, learn how our bodies work and never talk about it. It’s okay to talk about what you want, what feels good, things you want to try, state if something is uncomfortable, etc. We need affirm each other sexually and for a long time we didn’t understand this. We thought sex was how it is portrayed on TV. Sex is work. Good sex is about good communication. It’s okay not to want to have sex too. There are times when we don’t have sex often, but other times we have sex at least once a day. Sex is like anything else, it gets better with time and practice, and there will be times in life where you’re not as motivated to work in that area.
Thank you SO much for replying, Jana. Appreciate it, deeply. And I agree with you, wholeheartedly. You’re a lucky woman!
My wife and I just celebrated our 22nd anniversary. I’d say your five things are spot on!
Thanks Larry!
Spot on Darrell. Fantastic post. I love “You never stop choosing your wife.”
Thanks Brandon!
Darrell – amazing post dude. thanks for putting words to some of my thoughts. great stuff. will definitely pass this on to others.
Thanks Paul. I really appreciate the share.
I loved this post. So true! My fiance and I started our relationship this way from the beginning. I encouraged him to be open early early on about attraction to beauty in general and that i did not find it unrealistic or offensive. I stare at women myself when there is something beautiful there to be noticed. How could i expect my man not to notice the same things i do. Lust is not appreciation. God made all things beautiful. We have both chosen each other for a committed relationship out of all the beautiful creatures on the planet. We aren’t denying that there are other men or women out there that we are attracted to. We both are confident that God has drawn us together and as we honor the beauty in each other, its just as if we are thanking God for all of his beauty in creation. My fiancé knows I’m denying all others for him because he is mine and I am his and it’s my choice to do so. Just as we deny all others that might try to steal our affections away from Christ, because he is ours and we are his. Nature, sports, sciences, arts etc. are all beautiful and attractive and God wants us to see them and appreciate them, but not let them capture our heart or cause us to desire them more than him. I agree that more women and men should be encouraged to look at attraction this way. Great post. Its healthy and less intimidating when we give each other trust and a free pass to appreciate.
Wow, this is a great article and I agree with what you said. More women need to hear this from a male perspective. God bless on your continued holy matrimony!
This is a very good article, written in very good, praise! Thank you.
Very well! I love it much!
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