Photo Credit: South African Tourism
Have you ever lost yourself?
If you haven’t, I’m sorry. This post won’t be very helpful for you. You probably won’t even understand what I’m talking about because, no matter how hard I try to describe what it’s like, I come up short. Trust me, I’ve tried, and the words just don’t fit. It’s awful and disorienting, painful and confusing. It’s like being thrown in the deep end without knowing how to swim. Flailing.
Like catching your reflection in the mirror but not quite recognizing yourself.
Sorry, that’s the best I can do.
If you’ve experienced what I’m talking about, I don’t need to say much more. You know exactly what it feels like. You’ve been in the midst of some personal crisis, or some difficult transition, and you’ve suddenly picked up your head, looked around, and noticed that you don’t recognize yourself. You don’t recognize the way you’re acting, the way you’re feeling, or the way you’re thinking.
This isn’t “you”. But who is you?
It’s like you’re stranded in the middle of a rock wall and you can’t find the next hand hold. None of your escape strategies are working. None of your coping mechanisms are relevant. None of your previously acquired skills can get you out of this mess.
If that’s you, if that’s where you are, I just want to say three things.
Hang on. Don’t give up. I know that probably sounds trite and stupid, but I mean it in the most sincere way. If you’re hanging in the middle of a rock wall, and you can’t figure out your next move, don’t panic. Just hang there. If you’re in the deep end, and you don’t know how to swim, don’t keep flailing, but take a deep breath. Float on your back. Don’t let go. Don’t give up.
There’s hope.
People might tell you to “take steps in the right direction” but you might not know the right direction. That’s okay. Cut yourself a break. Stand still for a little bit. Then, as soon as the “right direction” comes you, you’ll know what to do.
Finally, this place you’re in. It isn’t as depressing as it seems. Yes, it’s disorienting. Yes, it’s frustrating. Yes, it seems like all of your resources are exhausted. But that’s the beauty of the Kingdom of God — and by “Kingdom of God” I mean all that is good and wonderful about the world we live in right now — good stuff happens when your resources are exhausted.
That’s where miracles come from.
Where we lose ourselves, that’s when we’re really found.
Wow, Ally–this is just what I needed to hear today. I have had such an exhausting and hard week; a week full of tears and frustration. And honestly, when I say full of tears, I am serious. I think I have cried more in the last couple days than I have in the last 10 years. And because of that, I have not felt like myself at all.
So thank you for this “reality check” so to speak.
“If you’re in the deep end, and you don’t know how to swim, don’t keep flailing, but take a deep breath.”—Good stuff.
Haley — so glad I could encourage you this morning. I’ve been thinking about you and praying for you a lot.
You are walking through something that most 20-somethings may never experience in their whole lifetime, something that requires you to depend fully on God in a way most people never do. He is refining you and shaping you.
Hugs to you. Love you.
Thank you, Ally. Your prayers are more than appreciated. He is definitely shaping me in a way I never imagined.
Hugs and love back to you.
“Like catching your reflection in the mirror but not quite recognizing yourself.”
pretty spot on.
Thanks Kelly. It feels good to know that I’m not the only one.
“. . .but you might not know the right direction. That’s okay. Cut yourself a break.”
On the verge of tears reading this today. Last night, I came into my house in tears and short of breath wondering – where am I going? My normal self would never do “x,” never feel like this, never have to deal with what I’m dealing with, and when I look in the mirror or hear my name, I wonder what I do next. I don’t know who this person is or what way they’re going, so I wait with this notecard in my pocket:
Isaiah 64:4 – “From ancient times, no one has heard, no one has listened, no eye has seen any God except You, who acts on behalf of the one who waits for Him”
Scotty — I love that verse. Thanks for sharing it. Hang in there. I’m hanging right with you. Together we’ll wait on the Lord who knows us better than we know ourselves. As we learn to surrender our “selves,” he’ll make our identity certain in Him.
Thanks for sharing.
“…good stuff happens when your resources are exhausted. That’s where miracles come from.”
Hanging on to this truth as best I can right now. So glad you wrote this, Ally.
Thanks Elora. I’m so glad it encouraged you. I’m hanging on with you.
Well said… James 1:23-24.
This really speaks to me right now- just the other night I was discussing with a friend this exact thing. In my first year of university I feel like I lost myself- ironically it was the happiest time of my life. It’s so encouraging to know I’m not the only one and that there is hope in this!
Louise — you are NOT the only one! So glad I could encourage you today.
Thank you for writing this. Have been feeling that way for a long time and praying didn’t seem to work (not in the tangible sense of course). But holding on to the promises of God and slowly, one day is an inch forward and I know things will be better soon. Thanks once again
I love your writings!
That’s awesome. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you SO much for this! It’s so encouraging. I’ve felt “not me” for some long and painful periods of time. And you captured the feeling and the response perfectly.
During one of the most difficult seasons of my life, I came to the realization that I didn’t like who I had become because of what I was going through. It was just as you describe here, and it was so incredibly frustrating. Had I read this post during that time, I probably would’ve been irritated by the “hang on, it gets better mentality,” but looking back I am able to see the truth of those words. Maybe next time I’ll be able to see it more clearly in, and not just after.