Photo Credit: I’m Wolfies, Creative Commons
I don’t think of myself as a prideful person, to be honest. You might think it sounds prideful that I would even say that, and you might be right, but I would probably respond by explaining how I struggle with my fair share of other sins, sins equally as destructive and deep-rooted, equally as pervasive and consuming as pride.
But when it comes to pride, I don’t know.
It has just never struck me as a huge problem.
Then, the other day, a woman I respect deeply gave an example of pride that I had never heard before. She talked about how pride comes in many forms, and how one of those forms looks like this:
Managing other people’s opinions of you.
I had never thought of it that way before.
The more she talked, the more sense it made, and the more I started thinking how prone I am to this face of pride.
- I send a text message and get no response, so I start wondering if I said something mean or insensitive.
- I write an e-mail and hover over the “send” button, wondering how every nuance of language is going to be received
- I lay awake one night, fighting anxiety over a sin I committed years ago, one I’ve repented for, and been forgiven of.
- I find myself thinking often, “Did I offend him/her when I ________?”
I would rather call this insecurity that pride. It makes me feel better about myself, like I am a victim, rather than a perpetrator of a crime, but the more I think about it the more I realize what an incredible offense this is.
First, I am wasting time.
I can exert an incredible amount of energy (probably all of my energy if I wasn’t careful) managing other’s opinions of me, and the job would never be done. People would still be upset with me, they would still dislike me, they would still be offended by something I’ve done.
If I think of myself as a steward (I do) and my time on earth as a gift (I believe that, too) then wasting the time I’ve been gifted on earth is no different than squandering any other resource on pointless pursuits.
Second, I’m stealing opportunities.
An offense is almost always more about the receiver than it is about the giver. If my husband says something insensitive to me, for example, my internal response says more about me than it does about him.
It might tell me shallow, temporary information about him (like that he was in a bad mood, or that he isn’t a morning person) but if I’m willing to receive it, it gives me much more useful insight about myself.
Maybe I have a deep-rooted insecurity connected to his comment.
Maybe I have a growing resentment toward my husband in another area.
Maybe I have anxiety that is polluting the rest of my life.
Either way, the offense is my opportunity.
It’s my opportunity to deal with what is happening, to work through my insecurity, to untangle my resentment, to abandon my anxiety.
I’ll probably be the giver of many offenses in my life, many of them (I hope) unknowingly or accidentally. But if I am constantly taking responsibility for those offenses (the ones I may or may not have given) I’m stealing the opportunity for the offended person to come to healing, growth and resolve.
If this is a face of pride, I’m guilty. Are you? To reply click HERE.
Hmm,funny I just wrote a post on my blog about being a little more proud of myself…I come here and find out..I have been full of pride..and not the good kind. I’ve taken offense a lot lately,and you’re right,the receiver takes offense and not the giver…even if someone meant to offend you,you cant take offense unless you decide to.Good point.Yes the text message ‘is she offended’ wait has driven me crazy(even if it is just offering up information like ‘yes the vase is on sale for xxx’)prior to your great post.If i have said what needs to be said,then why worry?
Thanks Allison.for always giving me something to think about!
“Even if someone meant to offend you…” This is the hardest part for me, and the part I’m still working to live out, is the realization that — even if someone is wrong, it’s not my job to convince them of their wrongdoing. In fact, if I try to do that, I’m just stooping to their level.
Humility is hard.
Wow this is so good. It’s so easy to worry about what others think of you, especially when you write your deepest thoughts out loud a lot. I needed to hear this today. Thank you, Allison. You’re such a gift.
Christy — yes, as bloggers it is difficult to live humbly because we’re constantly required to be vulnerable in front of an audience. It’s also more important for us to live humbly, however, because otherwise we have a VERY long list of people to manage. Being humble is hard, but I’m starting to wonder if being proud might even be harder.
You are so brave to share your story. Your humility is changing lives.
I’ve never thought of that being a form of pride either. Mind = blown. Wow. This will give me a lot to think over for the day. Thanks Allison!
Tara — glad it gives you something to think about it. That’s exactly how I felt when I heard about it. Makes me act differently now, too.
wowzers, this hit home today. i always leave your blog feeling like i know myself a little bit better.
Kelly — that is such a beautiful compliment. Thank you for reading and commenting. Honored to have you here.
this is definitely a touchy topic but one that needs to be spoken to and about. i too have spent way too much time waging a battle of managing people’s expectations and opinions of me.trying to walk the delicate balance of never offending or disappointing people. never saw it as a form of pride. wow. thanks for this!
Miata — I never did either, until this woman brought it to my attention. I maybe thought of it as insecurity, but I’m starting to wonder if pride and insecurity might not be all that different.
Fabulous thoughts about offenses. Just one more way we are stolen from by the enemy.
Allison — exactly. This view of offenses is changing my relationships forever.
Makes sense, that our insecurities are rooted in pride… (at least that’s what I got out of it, and I can see how that fits in my life, the areas that need healing, etc…)
Georgio — yup, that’s what I was getting at. You’re right on track.
If insecurity is pride, then I’m super prideful. All of the hovering over the send button real life examples you give, I suffer from too. However, if an email is well-received, considered funny, or evokes friendly bantering, I will reread my own email… two… three… four… too many times just to be amused once again by my own wit.
Katie — I have done the exact same thing, and the more I think about it, the more certain I am that it is pride. It’s humbling (ha). No pun intended.
Thanks for sharing honestly. I’m sure your not the only one.
I cannot even begin to tell you how much I relate to this post. I struggle with all these same problems. The sending the text message and not recving a reply is a big one for me. Thanks so much for this post!
I’m having a hard time making the connection between insecurity and pride. I guess I can see how this would be true at times, but I wouldn’t say insecurity is *always* rooted in pride. If pride is having a high opinion of oneself, then how can insecurity be anything but the opposite of that? Maybe I should use a different word; I think of insecurity as having poor self-esteem, but maybe others see it differently?
I make this point because when I look at those examples and consider others like them, I see them as rooted in poor self-esteem, based on my own experience. I don’t find myself being so concerned about how I’ll be perceived, but how I am bothering/offending the other person. My focus isn’t on my actions or words, but on the impact on the other person. I hope that makes sense.
I can totally relate to this. I found myself shaking my head and going “yep…yep…” Fear of man is one of the biggest things I struggle with in life.
If you’re interested, google the sermon “Freedom From the Fear of Man” by JR Vassar (preached at The Village Church in Dallas). Probably the most influential sermon I’ve ever heard. I felt like the Holy Spirit was almost physically healing things in my soul while driving down the road and crying hearing it the first time.
Thanks for the post, definitely enjoyed it!