For those of you who don’t know, it wasn’t very long ago that I was single, writing to a bunch of other people about what it was like to be single. Now that I’m married I don’t want to stop writing to singles. In fact, I think I might even have something more valuable to share.
I definitely don’t have it all figured out. Not even close. But I can tell you what I’m learning.
There are quite a few things I wish I would have known before I was married. I’ll share five with you today, and five tomorrow so stay tuned for the rest of the list.
1. That “hooking up” would come back to haunt me
There is no such thing as a “meaningless” hook-up. There are no free passes. By the grace of God I have found forgiveness and freedom and healing, but healing takes time. Lots of time. I wish I would have stopped messing around much sooner than I did.
2. A husband wouldn’t fix the way I felt about myself.
I was really insecure about the way I looked, and about what I was capable of doing, so I spent a lot of time and energy trying to convince everyone that I could do everything on my own and that I didn’t need anyone.
I also spent a lot of time exercising and “eating healthy” and worrying about my body.
The thing I found about being married is that marriage, or a husband, or a husband’s husband’s affirmations haven’t cured me of my insecurity. In fact, just his simple presence (despite affirmations) tend to make those insecurities more pronounced. I wish I would have faced my insecurity, and dealt with it, while I was still single.
3. My sin really hurts people
When I was single I used to think my sin was just a private issue that I could deal with on my own. You know, as it was convenient for me. I knew I had sin, but we all had sin, right? I was working on it, getting around to it.
It wasn’t anyone else’s business really.
What I’ve found in marriage is that my sin is not just my own business but that it hurts anyone and everyone who is around me. With this understanding I approach my sin with a much more dramatic sense of urgency. I wish I would have known that when I was single. I could have spared myself and others.
4. I am responsible for my own spiritual life (and the rest of my life for that matter)
To be fair, I had a fairly thriving spiritual life before I met my husband. I read and studied the bible daily. I prayed. I was closely connected to a small group of other believers in intentional community. I attended worship services at my church on weekends.
But I think I had this idea that, once I met my husband, I could just let my guard down.
I think I thought, “Okay, that’s it. We’re getting married. Go ahead. Lead me.”
The truth is my husband is a strong man of God and a really incredible leader. He leads me spiritually in many ways. But marriage is maybe the worst time in life to throw up your hands and give up the good fight for your spiritually vitality.
In fact, in marriage, more than any other place in life, I’ve needed my own personal connection to the Lord to help inform me, heal me and minister to me so that I have what it takes to even “show up” as a wife.
(And, heaven forbid, to at times lead my husband.)
5. I didn’t need to try so hard to “get” someone to love me
I spent nearly twenty years of my life laboring for 40 minutes each morning, blow drying and flat-ironing my hair. In fact, I’ve added it up and discovered that I could have potentially spent over 3,000 hours making my hair look the way I thought a man wanted.
You know what my husband said the first time my hair naturally curly?
He said, “I like your hair better that way. You should wear it like that more often.”
First of all, I’m so excited to see that you’re still writing! Second of all, thank you for this post. It’s great information for anyone single or in a relationship. I can relate to #5 for sure. I know that when I started dating my now boyfriend of 1 year, I learned quickly that he would love me done up or just getting home from a long run. Needless to say, I probably wear makeup once a month and it’s usually for weddings.
Good to see you here again, Michaeleen! There’s nothing like being able to let your guard down and be loved anyway. Sounds like you’ve found a good one.
Hi Ally! VERY excited to still have access to your past writings. I found your blog a few months before you got married, and there are so many posts I wanted to share with others. Your writing clicks very deeply with, and I find a lot of grace and truth in your writing. This entry is perfect for today. I myself am in the position of trying to figure out if I am supposed to marry my boyfriend. I want to be content being single, but it has been challenging. Thanks for the reminders, esp. the spiritual life one!
Awesome. So glad I can finally make the content available to everyone again. Hope its helpful and encouraging!
Hope you’ll come back tomorrow, and the rest of this week. I plan to talk some more about what it looks like to be “content” in your singleness.
I love that you’re writing about this. Even though I’m not married yet I’ve been thinking about the things I did in the past (before being in my current committed relationship) and what I wish I had known at the time.
I can relate to numbers 1 through 4, but especially number 1. For years I took pride in being able to emotionally detach myself from my experiences, so I never thought that any type of ‘hook-up’ would catch up with me emotionally. And, up until my last relationship, I was still very emotionally detached from these past ‘hook-ups’ and looked at them as just a number. It wasn’t until I got into my current relationship that these past hook-ups began to resurface and bring about the emotional junk that came with them, which I had spent years hiding (from myself, really). It may seem like a bad thing, but it just means that my boyfriend seeks to connect with me at levels different than past boyfriends, and he makes me feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with him and, even more surprisingly, with myself.
Great post, Ally. Can’t wait to read the other 5.
I believe that when you meet a man who really cares about you, and seeks to know the deepest part of you, he begins to draw out all the good stuff, but lots of junk comes with it. It can be really hard, but also an opportunity to deal with it!
I definitely still am living with/working through the consequences of hooking up. I thought everything would be fine and that it was no big deal. Do you think that maybe because we were also told that drinking was “evil” and smoking would “kill us”, we didn’t exactly have a history of trust with the people who told us “don’t hook up”? The consequences were consistently exaggerated so when it came to messing around, I assumed that the consequences were exaggerated there as well. I’m going to have these same conversations with my son in about 10 years and I hope to be honest about my mistakes AND their actual consequences. Maybe my child won’t choose the same path I did.
PS – my husband said the EXACT same thing about my hair when he saw it curly the first time.
Tor — I like your theory. It has me thinking.
It’s so cool that you’re having a baby and get to pass all of what you’ve learned (some of it the hard way) to the next generation. You’re going to make such a good mom.
And I like your hair curly too!
I am getting married in September and this brought some much needed conviction, courage, an encouragement. Thanks so much for this! to echo everyone else, I also am glad you are writing again
blessings!! xxo
Rachel — that’s awesome. So glad it was helpful!
And also, I’ll be praying for you in the planning process. It’s a really important season of preparation (not just for the wedding) but I know from experience it can be stressful. Be encouraged that it doesn’t stay like that forever. I hope you feel blessed and loved through it.
I’m so excited that you’re writing again! I really connected with 2 and 4. I find I do rely on my husband a lot for spiritual leadership, and then I get very disappointed when I feel he isn’t ‘leading’ the way I think he should. Telling someone how to lead isn’t letting them lead, and getting frustrated at them will not help them at all…
If I am walking around cranky or sad, it isn’t his fault! It’s my own fault for failing to find my happiness and peace in God and failing to see the good in every day.
I’d add to the list: “You’re responsible for your own happiness”. When I first got married, I just sort of assumed that he would make me happy all the time. He’d be there when I needed him, he’d be able to read my mind and know exactly what I want, when I want it. After all, we’re married now! When that fell through I realized that it wasn’t anything he was (or wasn’t) doing. It was that no human being can be responsible for the happiness of another. They can certainly help, but they cannot be held responsible.
Gosh, Bethany, that’s so good. Probably the only reason that isn’t on the list is because I haven’t learned it yet
You’re ahead of me. Taking notes.
Thanks as always for sharing your insights!
Now that I’m single again after almost four years I’m not looking forward at all to “dating” again. I hated it before my last relationship and I’m really leery of it now. The first on your list really resonated with me because I’ve had to work through a lot of the self-inflicted wounds due to hooking up in my earlier years. Now, I’m swearing not to do it again because my heart and soul just can’t take it.
Five is hard for me as well. I’m been an outcast most of my life with very few friends and felt like I had to prove myself to everyone. I go over the top in trying to be who someone wants me to be so I’m not alone and as a result I end up with someone who fulfills nothing in my life because they’re not connected to the real me.
Jason — dating can be a really daunting task, a real nightmare actually, for someone who doesn’t have a clear sense of self. I can tell you from experience.
The good news is that, if you’re brave about it, it can also be a process of discovering yourself and being honest for the first time. I recommend it. It’s hard but really rewarding!
This is a great post! I’m engaged and getting married in 2 months and I can relate to ALL these points! It’s amazing how being in such a close and intentional relationship seems to bring about the best and worst in myself. It’s much harder to hide my insecurities and sin now, they just keep bubbling to the surface. And I’m sure this trend will go deeper once we’re married.
It’s such a wonderful, freeing experience when my soon-to-be-husband doesn’t define me by my sin, but has my growth and walk with God in mind. And he thinks I’m beautiful in a sweaty ponytail, no makeup, and an old sweatshirt! My single self, with all my insecurities, never thought that would be possible
I’m learning more of how the Gospel functions on a day-to-day basis and how to genuinely love someone… it’s not always loving feelings, it’s intentional and humbling learning how to love and serve someone even when their sin hurts you (and vice versa!).
Katelyn, congratulations on your engagement and props to you for being so bold in unpacking, learning and growing during this season. Marriage will be an adjustment, but your willing attitude will make it a whole lot easier. Keep us in the loop!
Thanks for sharing.
I remember one of the times my husband (while we were dating) was most emphatic about telling me how beautiful I was, was when I hadn’t showered in two days, my hair was a mess, I had put no effort into my outfit, and I had no make-up on. That will never leave my mind. He always thinks I am beautiful – what a gift!
Still, I think #2 is the thing I found most surprising in my marriage.
For me one of the things I found hardest to accept is that phases are okay. Phases of unhappiness, phases of not having sex as much as you both want, phases where I lead more than he does, etc. I used to get frustrated when it seemed like things weren’t going as I had dreamed. But the pendulum does swing in every area, and I have come to accept that, thankfully!
Looking forward to the next 5!
Jenny — that’s good advice. I’ve never thought about it that way but I’m interested to see how my husband and I learn to grow together through different seasons. How cool that we get to write a whole history with this one person!
Being single it’s (occasionally) hard to keep your head on straight when most around you are getting married, if not already. So thanks for sharing this. I have to say I laughed at #5 for the simple reason that I don’t spend time doing my hair. I’ve never been big on #1, even when I wasn’t a Christian. It didn’t make sense to me to put myself that “out there.” Although I have lots of other stuff to come to grips with anyway.
Sarah — I was 28 when I got married so I can totally identify. When everyone around you gets married, and then everyone 8 years younger than you gets married… it’s definitely hard to keep your head on straight. Hang in there. His timing really is perfect (and I’m not just saying that
)
Love this! Great, great stuff. Thank you so much for sharing! As a single gal I simply cannot thank you awesome married people enough for sharing your side.
Hannah — so glad it was helpful for you. I’ll continue to share my story as long as it is encouraging!
I can relate to the curly hair thing too…. this past summer the first guy that ever kissed me (I was 21) was after I had been on a camping trip for 3 days, hadn’t showered, greasy curly hair, no makeup and sweatpants on haha! never thought that would be the setting of my first kiss.
Thats awesome, Mary! Thanks for sharing that story.