From Ally: This is a guest post by Rena Kosiek. I met Rena at story conference in Chicago. Read what she has to say about what woman really want from men. It might surprise you. It isn’t flowers and gifts (although those things never hurt) but something that is even easier (or harder) to give:
Last week at work I had flowers delivered to my desk. They were signed: “Simply Intrigued.”
Everyone in the office was excited for me and telling me to enjoy them. When have you ever heard a girl complain about getting flowers?
Phtoto Credit: Steve Spotts
But I couldn’t enjoy them. That was the problem. I was too distracted by the fact that I knew exactly who the flowers were from and there were all kinds of red flags that popped up in my mind. Most would think his gesture was cute and fun, but I was frustrated.
So I sent him an e-mail telling him my intentions (because he wouldn’t). I told him I only wanted to be friends. And sure enough, he said he never intended the flowers to be a gesture of his interest.
Hmmm…Really?
If you’re sending me flowers you’re interested in me. Right?
Right?
Apparently not.
Since high school, I have had many guys go out of their way to do extravagant things for me but guess how many of those guys have clearly expressed, with their words, exactly how they felt about me and what they wanted me to do?
That’s right. None of them. Sometimes “wooing” is too easy. Either that or it’s a convenient way of guarding yourself against rejection in case I’m not interested.
Things are nice. But you know what’s nicer than things? Honesty and clarity in expressing your interest and intention.
If you’re interested in me verbally express your interest in me. If I’m interested, I’ll tell you I’m interested. If I’m not interested, it’s not an insult.
It takes a man to take rejection with grace. That’s what women really want. A man who acts like a man.
The point is: Stop trying to woo me to get my attention and instead just be honest. What really gets my intention is a man who can sit down with me, man up, and actually express his interest.
The things you do for me don’t have any meaning to me until we’re both interested. In fact, they can be kind of creepy.
On the up side, clearly expressing your intentions doesn’t cost you a single penny – unlike flowers and other gifts. So save your cash for when you know I’m interested and you really want to win me over.
Then I’ll take all the flowers you want to give.
Have you ever tried to woo a girl before you told her you were interested? Is there a female equivalent to this phenomenon? What do you think it’s about?
———
Meet Rena Kosiek. She currently lives in the outskirts of Chicago where she is the Marketing Coordinator at the Willow Creek Association. She is a continuous learner, creatively inspired, and natural seeker of experience. She is a firm believer that every unique circumstance is an opportunity. She works to grow closer to Christ every day and calls herself simply blessed.
Rena raises some really questions!
I pondered her question on the female equivalent and i wonder if it’s not a combination of spending an unhealthy amount of our thought lives dissecting conversations and interactions trying to decide whether they’re interested and figuring out how to play it cool. I wonder whether women do this by becoming emotionally entwined in putting ourselves out to “be a good friend” so that they don’t have to admit they are really interested…
or maybe, that’s just me!
Thanks for your piece Rena and well chosen, Ally!
Not just you
been there and done that. I admit it isn’t the best way to go about expressing interest. I’m just too much of a chicken to bring up things like that with men. I should…but itd be much easier if I didn’t have to. and I’m sure men feel like that too. Somebodys gotta do it though or nobody gets anywhere.
Honestly, because I understand the fear of rejection, I’ve decided that any guy who has the guts to put himself out there ask me on a date, I will oblige for one date.
Oops, hit submit too soon. I will oblige for one date just to thank him and acknowledge his willingness to face the giant of rejection. Of course, I’ll be clear about my intentions or lack there of straight away, but I do want to giver those brave men a nod of encouragement for being in a society where most of the pressure to instigate is on them
I don’t know if I would rule out going on a date, but if your discernment is saying that you aren’t interested…then don’t go. Don’t feel obligated.
Haha. Yes, I will give a nod as well, but I still think they need to step up.
Thanks for sharing Mikayla!
-Rena
Hey. Mikayla. Hi. You seem super nice. I totally appreciate your heart. But the whole “I’ve decided that any guy who has the guts to put himself out there ask me on a date, I will oblige for one date” thing kinda makes me shudder.
See, here’s the thing. If I ask a young lady out on a date, it’s not because I’m really itching to go on a date. I mean, hopefully a good time will be had by all, but frankly I don’t enjoy “dates” all that much. I ask ladies on dates because I want to get to know them better, and express my intentions in wanting to pursue something with her.
So maybe you’ll understand what I’m laying down here… my fear of rejection doesn’t stem from not having the opportunity to go drink coffee with a comely young lass. It stems from being wanted/not being wanted in that whole ‘relationship’ thing.
I’ve been on the ‘pat-on-the-back-good-for-you-for-manning-up-and-asking-me-out-BUT’ dates. They’ve all kind of sucked. I’ve faced that ‘giant of rejection’, as you put it, and the giant was all ‘Oh hey, no worries, you win’ until I got my hopes up, invested time and energy and whatnot in a date. Because even if you clearly express your lack of interest right away, agreeing to go on a date with us tells us otherwise. We still think we got a shot. And then all of a sudden the giant jumped back into the picture unexpectedly fee-fi-fo-fumming and brained me with a club yelling ‘FOOLED YOU!’
Sorry. I rant. Overactive imagination at work. But the long and short of it is, as a dude, I REALLY appreciate the straightforward ‘No Thanks.’ It’s like ripping off a band-aid really fast. And don’t get me wrong, if you aren’t sure about where you stand and want to give the guy a chance, by all means, date away. It’s not like the first date is a contract or anything. But if you KNOW that it isn’t going to work out for you, for the love of all things warm and fuzzy don’t drag it out any longer than you have to. DO NOT BE OBLIGATED. PLEASE. Our egos may be a little fragile, but at the end of the day we’re men. We can take it. No patronizing ‘thanks anyway’ dates required.
End rant. Thanks for being honest and caring about the pressure we face to instigate. I hope your day is filled with magic and wonderment and puppies and rainbows.
Thanks for sharing this Duke!
I agree. Don’t be scared to just say-”No Thank-you.”
-Rena
I actually agree more with Mikayla, although maybe not the choice of wording. I consider going on a date even if I feel I’m not interested in him because three of my best friends have married guys they were initially not interested in, but they went on the dates anyway and discovered attractive qualities they hadn’t seen before. In my experience it seems attraction for girls often takes longer than it does for guys.
Exactly my thoughts. A date with the intention for relationship isn’t a consolation prize; it’s a slap in the face.
Believe me, I love that you care. That’s pretty awesome, and I’m glad that you think about our side of things, but like Duke said, men don’t date just for the sake of dating.
Duke and Alex-
THANK YOU!
That makes sense coming from your perspective. If you guys both say its a slap in the face, then consider my rule cancelled.
I’m a little TOO sensitive to the man’s side of things, sometimes. That’s where I get the desire to oblige. Saying “no” is the hardest thing for me-second only to actually getting the guts to tell a guy my feelings for him.
This is something I’ve never asked a guy’s POV on. And hindsight, that was a stupid move. Haha. Thankful for both of you and your willingness to tell me what I need to hear!
Rena, you’re awesome. The end
+1
This is totally true. Girls if you are not interested don’t agree to go on a date! By saying yes you are signaling to a man you are or might be interested. Then we invest more mental and heart energy. Going on the date just say no thanks afterward when you already know you will is simply cruel.
Stop trying to be nice only to make things hurt more. You want a man to be straight with you about his intentions don’t you think guys want you to be straight with them as well?
JR,
My “rule” was never was cruel intentioned. I’m sorry if that was not made clear in the comment when I said “Of course, I’ll be clear about my intentions or lack there of straight away, but I do want to give those brave men a nod of encouragement for being in a society where most of the pressure to instigate is on them.”
However, thanks to the men above here who have given good reason for their opposition, I decided to cancel that rule of obligation
Agreed. I think there is something for both men and women to learn.
Loving the conversation. Thanks for all your input everyone!
-Rena
Mikayla
I’ll clarify as well. I can tell from your comments that you are not trying to be cruel or mean. And I do appreciate that you are trying to affirm characteristics like boldness that are too often lacking in men (myself included) these days. The problem is that in trying to be nice you are giving hope to a relationship that will never be.
We don’t like rejection but the more invested we are in a potential relationship the worse the rejection is. Its best to be clear right from the start instead trying to be nice
That being said. If you have any inkling that you might like the guy please by all means go for it!!
Maybe we aren’t sure if we’re interested. Maybe we want to give the guy a chance to win us over. I don’t consider you asking me on a date a marriage proposal. I consider it an invitation to get to know each other. I’m not going to be comfortable getting to know if you if you’re hearing wedding bells before we even sit down.
I agree. As a gentleman who is looking for a woman with the same interests as me (long term relationship), I’m asking that woman out because I’m genuinely interested her. If she says yes then that means she is somewhat interested and that I have a chance. But this doesn’t avoid the conversation of me telling her my intentions and seeing if she is looking for the same thing. As men we have to be chivalrous and be first to bring that up, because if no one does, then how do we know it’s mutual?
Hey Ernie!
Thanks for sharing you thoughts! I love this:
“As men we have to be chivalrous and be first to bring that up, because if no one does, then how do we know it’s mutual?”
Appreciate your thoughts.
-Rena
“I wonder if it’s not a combination of spending an unhealthy amount of our thought lives dissecting conversations and interactions trying to decide whether they’re interested and figuring out how to play it cool.”
I used to wonder the same thing, but from what I have observed, I would say the answer is yes we do.
Thanks for your words Anna! Love what you have to say.
-Rena
Rena!
This is a great post about the value of honesty.
I think we could all use a little bit more honesty when interacting with each other. I love your boldness at being upfront about your intentions rather than just sinking back into what we ‘should’ do. I applaud your ability to ask hard questions in relationships and speak up!
peace
hanna
Hey Hanna,
Thanks for your encouraging words. Appreciate you.
-Rena
When I read the title of the post, I really wanted to disagree. I can’t. I’ve had the same flowers sent to me and the sweet cards written and…..well, there’s a few stories there. But once both parties have clearly expressed interest, I still wouldn’t mind being “wooed a little”. I also see “wooing” a little differently I think.
I like flowers. I like having flowers in my house. They are probably at the bottom of my list as far as a good way to “woo” me. I see all the, what are now old-fashioned, gentlemanly acts as wooing. Open my door. Even when we get in the car. Let me walk in front and guide me with your hand on the small of my back. Be subtly affectionate in public (put your arm around me while sitting in church, gently rub my arm as we pass at a party even if we’re not engaged in the same conversation, etc). Pay when we go out – not because I can’t, but because it’s a sign of wanting to take care of me. So in that way, yes I do want to be wooed. But only by a guy to whom I have given permission by expressing my interest. Does that make sense?
Courtney, I think that definitely makes sense. I wanted to disagree when I read the title of this post too, but as I read I understood what Rena meant. I still want to be wooed…just after we both know we are mutually interested.
Thanks Jennifer-
You are spot on. Thanks for your input!
-Rena
Hey Courtney!
Thanks for sharing.
I can completely understand what you are saying and I agree. My point refers to “before the date” and “before I have given permission.” Don’t get me wrong–I LOVE FLOWERS. But I don’t like them when I haven’t been given then intention behind why they were given to me. When a guy does these things without verbally telling me his intentions first, it can be dangerous. My mind instantly thinks “he likes me.” But does he really? That’s why I don’t think a guy should woo until he mans up and says his intentions…like simply saying-”I am interested in you” Or “I would like to take you out on a date.” Without knowing, it can be a dangerous place for our thoughts.
Appreciate your thoughts Courtney!!
-Rena
Thanks for expressing this, Courtney.
As a girl who has always been overlooked, ignored, or considered just a friend by men, the idea of wooing doesn’t sound so bad, even if the intentions aren’t so clear. At some point even the idea of friendly gesture would be welcomed. It would just be nice to know some of the opposite sex recognizes me as a female. ;-/
Hey Kelly-
Its sad for me to hear that you feel as if you are over looked and ignored. For me, there are two questions that come to mind when i hear you say this.
1) Do you have healthy boundaries with your guy friends?
2) If a guy did give you flowers or do such a gesture, what would you think his intention was? Friends or more than friends?
Just a couple things that may be worth thinking about.
Just know…You ARE worth it. You ARE valued. And attention from every guy doesn’t mean a thing compared to when it’s from the RIGHT guy.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
-Rena
Hi Rena,
Really, most of my friendships with guy friends have faded as they’ve gotten married. It’s too awkward to try to maintain contact after that point. So, there’s little contact with them, period. That’s half the problem, I know. As for your second point, it would depend on what sort of contact we’d had previously, but…..I’ve never received flowers or anything else of that sort from a man who wasn’t related to me, so who’s to say?
Thanks for your kind words. I’m really lacking in that area right now. I don’t care about attention from every guy and I’m sure I wouldn’t appreciate most of it, anyways. I know God, family, and friends love me, but it’d also be nice to see more friendly gestures from nice guys, even if it’s just holding a door open.
Kelly, I can’t claim to know just where you’re coming from, but I would encourage you to find strength and “fulfillment” through committed service to a church body. And if none of the guys there have the sense of honor to hold a door open, then it’s probably wise to move on.
And, if I could wax metaphorical, maybe you need to walk a little closer behind them! Doors open when you become active, especially when seeking God in prayer. I know, as a chronic self-pitier, that withdrawing inward is the wrong place to withdraw to. Or rather the wrong person.
Hope the ramblings speak to you well.
Kelly -
I second what Rena said: YOU ARE WORTH IT!! I had a lot of guy friends for a while too and have only recently started creating boundaries and the only appreciating the time spent with the guys who did see it.
Yes, attention feels good. But remember, so much attention in our society is very shallow. What helped me is when I decided focus on God’s love for me and my love for me. I hope that you can do the same. That will shine through in your life and a good man will see that and love you for it too.
Amen!!
I think I have seen similar from women; I once had a girl ask me multiple times for dating advice, only to figure out later I was the one she wanted to date; I talked to a mutual friend to confirm that, then worked on figuring out the next (awkward) step. I had made it clear early on that I was interested in her friendship, but I ended up talking to her about it very directly. She shrugged it off as if she hadn’t been interested, and then I stopped hearing from her entirely.
I had been the type to try to “woo” a woman, but the more I think about it, I believe that’s only a fear reaction. I would try to attract the attention of a woman I liked in hopes she might make some move to ease the possibility of rejection. Now when I look back, I just think that made things more awkward.
I don’t want to say being rejected for a date is fun, but I’m starting to prefer the simplicity of it.
In response to what Mikayla said, I’m not sure what I think about getting a date just for asking. I don’t get the point of a date if the girl makes it clear that her intentions go no further than that. Personally, I would feel either taken advantage of or pitied, both of which is just insult to the injury of rejection. On the other hand, if the girl had an open mind, if the date was a chance to see if we had anything in common, then I’m for it.
The point is, I’m not asking a girl on a date for the sake of the date. I’m asking a girl out because I want to see if a relationship can grow out of it. If there’s no chance of that, or only the possibility of friendship, I wouldn’t be asking her on a date.
Hey Alex-
Love hearing your thoughts. I think its great to get a male perspective on this. I think men and women are both “scared” to have the “intentions” talk. No matter what though…It’s WORTH it.
Thanks!
-Rena
This has been enlightening. I think a lot of us fellows claim to do extravagant ‘woos’ because they are big romantic gestures that are supposed to win over someone’s heart. (A standard set by certain crappy romantic comedies we may be forced to watch when we’d rather be hitting up an awesome John Wayne movie? I’ll leave that for a different verbose comment.) But I think you hit EXACTLY why we do those things… because they’re EASY. No matter how elaborate/expensive/mind-boggingly-cute the gesture, it’s still easier for most of us than the whole nail biting “honest conversation about our interest” thing. So thanks for shooting this misconception down, and kicking the honesty ball back into play.
Duke-
I’ve seen that these “nail biting” conversations, really aren’t as bad as you think…Once you start doing them!
Thanks for your honesty and input!
-Rena
Oh, how I love this! The uncertainty is my least favorite thing. If you’re pouring all of this attention to me, but never being upfront about what you want, you’re just messing with my head! And it is so easy to read into these interactions and get so caught up, and I think we as woman can let our guard down around our heart, because we think, “He likes me, but maybe if he got to really know me, that would push this into something real!” And after a few of those interactions with no results, we start guarding our heart, almost to much. It’s such a fine balance, and it would all be made so much easier if boys would become men, and be upfront and honest about their intentions, whether its just to be friends or if it is something more.
Laura Jean,
Thanks for sharing! Now question, what do you do if he won’t step up and say something?
-Rena
My response has always been that I’m worth it, and that if he doesn’t, I stop investing those emotions in that relationship. Cause I want to be able to give my whole heart to my husband, and not have to tell him that I also gave parts to this guy and that one, because they were just so nice! But its really difficult and I am just starting to figure out how to do that. I’m not doing so well just yet.
Its a learning process…and you ARE worth it. I would encourage you to try not to pour a ton emotions, invested feelings, and all sorts of thoughts into something that isn’t existing yet.
I have a friend that does this with most guys and she tends to get hurt every time. Its because she is painting a picture in her mind and investing her emotions into the picture instead of building healthy boundaries when getting to know someone.
Its a learning experience. But never loose the mindset—>You ARE worth it.
-Rena
You know how some people have an irrational aversion to the sound of certain words, like ‘moist’? Woo is totally one of those words for me.
On a more helpful note, one of the things that I have found about making my intentions clear with women is that doing it early and often makes it easier on yourself in the long run. Those dreaded DTR talks are not a big deal if you’ve been continually and explicitly defining the relationship from the get go.
Makana – I totally agree with that! It also helps with some women (like me) who are insecure in relationships. I’ve had to ask for some clarification with my new bf recently and after the talks, I feel better. He just doesn’t think to bring it up because it’s all good in his head. When in doubt – say it.
I think we sometimes hesitate to define relationships for fear of losing the ‘magic’. I know I had it stuck in my head for a long time that good relationships should be effortless because you just magically click together. Any kind of conversation about intention in a relationship felt like desperation, an admission of failure on some level. I had to make a conscious choice to redefine the conversations as clarifications and getting in the habit of making those clarifications when there wasn’t as much emotional investment.
made it easier.
“good relationships should be effortless because you just magically click together.” I use to think the same thing! I’ve also learned that just because I feel like we’re “clicking” doesn’t mean he feels the same; or I don’t think we are and he does. It gets messy.
I’m really working on being 100% open about everything instead of filtering what I say based on fear.
I bet it makes all relationships easier.
Makana-
Yes. If you start with it initially-then you both can be on the same page before stepping forward.
Thanks for sharing!!
-Rena
I agree with being upfront and clear about your intentions as a guy. Man up, absolutely. It makes it less awkward all around.
But I don’t think I agree in general with the “don’t go on a date if there is no interest” principle. I know several great couples with awesome marriages who only decided after the first or second dates that they did really like the person. Too often we don’t know what we are truly looking for until it’s there right in our face. Yes, there might be circumstances where it is an absolute no and I agree. Don’t add insult to injury. But I do encourage young people all the time to keep an open mind. Don’t be so vain and stubborn, and remember coffee does not equate to marriage. Really. A nervous first date is worth laughing about and just enjoying for what it is whether it goes somewhere or not.
One thing I pray constantly when there is a girl I want to ask out is that God would make it clear to both of us if a second or third date is worth it and then do my best to lists and be humble.
Again, never an excuse to not just be honest and say “hey I think you’re cool (cute, whatever adjective describes the fact that you are asking as more then a friend),want to grab a coffee sometime?”
And for the record, I agree, don’t buy her stuff before you ask. That’s just weird.
2 cents.
Listen* and be humble.
Lists are great too but probably best done in advance and kept VERY general haha.
Andrew-
I can see where you are coming from.
I think if you don’t know the person really well initially, but there is an interest in getting to know them–Then YES go on a date or two and get to know them. Make sure your intentions are clear though. I wouldn’t rule that out.
But lets say you have a solid friendship with the person initially and they ask you out but you have no interest. What would you do? Still go?
-Rena
I don’t know… I’ve seen some really odd people have great relationships. It comes down to humility, hard work, and lots of prayer. Even great friendships can turn into something more given the opportunity. I think sometimes we’re too fixated on what “we want”. In arranged marriage cultures, you make it work because you don’t have a choice..
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful we have a choice, and wouldn’t want it any other way.
I really did mean “in general” though. Of course there are exceptions. If you somehow truly “know”, then I agree, don’t give them false hope. I don’t know … maybe I see the best in people and am willing to give almost anyone a chance to prove themselves. That said, I am pretty careful about who I ask anyways, I don’t want to be known as a player. But when I set my eyes on a girl, I do my best to flirt a bit and make my intentions clear and just ask. And it’s worked. It’s taken a while to get here though.
In all honestly, I just try not to make dating a bigger deal then it is. Dating and even marriage, though amazing, fun, lots of work and very rewarding, in light of eternity – really don’t matter too much.
Just be as honest and humble as you can be and don’t stress out about it.
*shrug*
I understand. And I do agree that a simple date can be taken way way to seriously. But truth is, it all depends on each individuals circumstance. Is there one absolute correct answer that everyone has to follow? I don’t think so. But it always good to hear form others their thoughts.
Thank-you. I’ve honestly learned a lot.
-Rena
I agree that being open to a date is a good thing, but my point was that it is bad to go in with absolutely no intentions of anything more than a date. I do think that agreeing to a date willing to get to know someone, though, is great!
I agree. I’ve seen this not-initial attraction in the relationships of many of my close friends.
Also, an awkward first date doesn’t mean no chance either.
To clarify- I agree with Andrew.
So now my question is, for those of us in relationships, how do we get the “wooing” to start happening if it’s stopped, or been thrown by the wayside?
Or if it hasn’t started….
Great Question. I’d love to see the answers to this.
My advice would be to identify each others love languages. He may be “wooing” you through his top love language rather than yours. I think you can appreciate someone a lot more once those are identified.
(although I’m not in a relationship, just a thought.)
Thanks for sharing.
-Rena
I’ll second (or third) the love language thing. That talk has always been helpful for me in knowing what a person appreciates. Often, we think that if we just do to them what we would want done to us everything should work out. I mean, it’s the golden rule, right? Some times you just need to ask how they would like to be treated instead.
From a male perspective: just tell him what you want! I am, with most of my friends, dense. I know I’m not alone in saying that I just don’t get hints. And I know that often times that ruins it for women—having to ask for something to be given—but the cool thing is that once a man knows what you like and how to communicate his love for you, he’ll probably start doing that just because.
I think Rena is on to something with love languages. For me, time together and physical touch, so while being bought things is nice, it’s not my first idea. That’s not to say that I don’t want to communicate my love to whomever I’m with.
Love that you all brought up the love languages! Just actually had part of that talk and it really helped clear things up for me in my relationship. Once you know how the other person expresses feelings, things are much less confusing.
With the whole idea of love languages, I have also seen it play out in helping me understand my friends and family better as well. Everyone interacts and feels loved differently. Just being able to identify those things can strengthen not only romantic relationship, but the relationships that are all around you in your every day life.
-Rena
Wow. Came to read, wary – but this is spot on! Excellently said. Thanks for spelling it out like it is. Wooing is exceptional when [we're] mutually in it, but not when it’s a passive gesture lacking intention! After honest words, thoughtful gifts are a sweet blessing.
Lauz,
I’m glad you read the post and enjoyed!
Be Blessed.
-Rena
I love that you say that it’s creepy, wooing without permission. It’s so true. I’ve realized through personal experiences recently that sometimes men think that the wooing and crazy romantic gestures is where it all starts. They need to learn the art of subtlety – begin with friendship, good conversation, the politeness of asking permission. The flowers come later.
Bethany-
Simple: Agreed.
-Rena
It is frustrating to know that this is the stereotype of us guys now a days. I can say that when I have been up front about how I feel about a girl or just asked a girl out I felt more a peace when it came to my dating life. Sure I got rejected the first time (her response to me asking her out was “Why?”) but afterwards I was able to laugh it off and chalk it up to experience. Afterwards I was thankful for the girl saying no… or” why” but, it taught me a lesson on being honest and humble enough to put my self out there a girl. Don’t get me wrong that fear o rejections still hits me whenever I think about asking out a girl, but I also realize that I lived through the last experience and if it happens again i’ll live through this one.
As for the giving gifts before you know the girl or are even dating, I find that slightly weird. I like giving gifts to the people I love and are in my life but figured that is a love language I can use to show the girl I am dating that she is special to me.
Solid thoughts Rena and great comments ladies. Such a huge help to us guys.
Gus-
I am glad to hear that you are stepping up in the way that you handle dating and communication. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. All of this has been just as insightful for me!
-Rena
I am probably one of the only ones that might say this…but I disagree with some of what you wrote. While having a man clearly express his interest you is a relief in itself…I had the opposite. I had a guy clearly express that he was interested but then did absolutly NO wooing. Im telling you now…I would have loved to have been a little bit woo-ed! Thats what I longed for. Words are great…but actions have to be part of the equation.
Just my 2 cents…for what it’s worth
I absolutely love your input. Everyone is different. And I like to be wooed, but only getting wooed without an actual conversation of intention is frustrating to me.
Thanks so much for sharing!!
-Rena
I am so thankful for this post, also for the recent series on friendships. I am relatively new to the blog world, just started my own in July, and have learned so much from your posts/guest posts in more ways than one. I appreciated the honesty of this post. I agree that wooing without intentions is frustrating, but also see Sara’s point. I think the wooing means more when you know the intention behind it. Otherwise it can seem hollow and just make things confusing/awkward.
Elise-
1st-Welcome to the blogging world. So glad to see that it has been something that you have been able to learn a lot from.
2nd-Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts! Always appreciated to hear everyones perspectives.
-Rena
Thanks Rena! In hindsight, I can see that a blog was a “long time coming” for me. I want to be obedient and use the trials and gifts God’s given me.
I think the female equivalent to this phenomenon would be a flirtatious attitude with no intention or real interest behind it. It is far too easy to become wrapped up in the excitement of witty word play and coy glances and to forget the interest that can be portrayed! I have seen this cause just as much confusion as unclear wooing. Love is not a game and human hearts are too valuable to be toyed with.
I agree with a previous comment that women can over think relationships. A romantic gesture from a guy can lead to all kinds of wild plans and dreams (white or ivory for the wedding dress? how many kids will we have?). That’s unfair because fantasy will always conform to your imagined ideal and the poor fella won’t stand a chance!
Hey Bex-
Thanks for commenting on this. I have actually been convicted of creating gestures that may be deceiving to guys myself. I actually used to take advantage of this. I did this because it was a way that I could control my emotions. I could be in charge of whether or not I was going to get hurt.
God had to do a lot in my heart and mind to change this around, but it all started when I decided to take action. I decided to take responsibility and be transparent through a conversation rather than resting on the comforts of attention. It was hard…but sooo worth it.
But i do think you hit it spot on with this being an equivalent.
Thanks for sharing!
-Rena
Bex – Great call out on the female equivalent here! I know that I too have been guilty of doing this. I didn’t realize how harmful it could be for a long time and this is so convicting in remembering to stay on this more honest real path and not falling to old habits because, let’s be honest here, the attention feels good.
Wow, yup, I can relate to this one.
Definitely had nearly this exact situation play out recently with a great guy who I knew just well enough to know I had no interest in. I waited until the next “I’m totally into you” indicator before I called him out on it though, because I was really hoping he was either just being nice, or would use it as a segue into some kind of clear move .. In then end, even after asking for clarification on his intentions I was the one who had to clarify where I stood, and got the “Oh, no, by get to know you better I totally meant just as friends …” (Uhuh, sure.)
Honestly, the result is both parties FEELING silly, and the girl thinking the boy actually IS pretty silly (or maybe even something a little stronger). Being honest about your intentions in the first place might get you rejected, but you’ll get rejected by a girl who respects you and is genuinely honoured/flattered, rather than frusterated and annoyed.
And, ya, easier said than done, I know.
“Being honest about your intentions in the first place might get you rejected, but you’ll get rejected by a girl who respects you and is genuinely honoured/flattered, rather than frusterated and annoyed.”
Absolutely!
Thanks for this!
-Rena
Uhhh… that awkward moment when you realize you went to school with the person who blogged this!! WHAT THE!
nonetheless, this was a pleasant surprise Rena.
Who is this? High school or college!?!
Kind of on-subject, kind of off–
‘A woman in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. His strength allows her feminine heart to flourish. His pursuit draws out her beauty. And a man in the presence of a real woman loves being a man. Her beauty arouses him to play the man, it draws out his strength. She inspires him to be a hero.’
Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (same folks that wrote Wild At Heart )
Awesome book to read if you have a hard time really believing that you’re indeed “worth it”. This idea really resonated with me, the wonderful way the sexes were designed to compliment the other, down to being true to our femininity if we feel safe enough to reveal it all. Pretty rockin.